[This post was originally written by site member Spin on March 5, 2008]
My partner once remarked that since an asexual person’s love wasn’t about sexual attraction, it must be something more real and deep. That with an asexual you knew you were loved for who you are.
Sorry hon–and I do really love you–but that ain’t necessarily so. I can be shallow, too.
I’ve had more frivolous crushes than I can count on people I didn’t even like, for the stupidest reasons. I’ve noticed people based on their appearance, their scent, the way they write their fours. I’ve had feelings for girls simply because I found out they liked girls too. I’ve been interested in boys because they used to be girls. I’ve liked people because I couldn’t tell if they were a boy or a girl. I’ve fawned over men and women because they had a good singing voice or artistic skill, or because they were just so damned pretty I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Yeah, I’ve seen people on the street I instantly wanted to drag home for. . .tea.
Most enduring for me are intellectual infatuations–crushes on people’s brains, which sounds like a good enough reason for obsessing about someone, doesn’t it? But I’ve fallen for total jerks because they were intelligent and articulate.
I’m not immune to shallowness, and asexuality doesn’t make my love any more true or pure. Asexuality has always contributed to shyness about pursuing these attractions or being pursued, but I don’t think I’d have made better or worse choices were I sexual.
Asexual people can love others for the wrong reasons, sexual attraction just isn’t one of them. We are as prey as anyone to all the other human weaknesses; superficiality, vanity, pride, selfishness, loneliness, pity, curiosity, rivalry, you name it. We can be charmed or fooled, we can lie to ourselves, we can mislead and use and hurt other people. Our choices are not always good, our motivations are not always honest.
Just like anybody else.