Coming out

For discussion of general issues pertaining to asexuality.
PiF
Apositive Star
Posts: 2270
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 1:47 am

Coming out

Postby PiF » Thu Jan 15, 2015 5:41 am

Now, if you have ever met me, talked directly to me or just seen my posts long enough then you will know my opinion on using the term coming out in relation to Asexuality so for you lot, ignore the rest of this bit and jump straight to the next but one paragraph :lol:

For those who do not know let me explain ....for the love of god do not ever ever ever use the term coming out when you are disclosing to someone about your identity unless you are coming out as gay. Like a few terms, queer, gay etc...coming out is associated with declaring your gay..nothing wrong with that if your gay..but if you tell people you are coming out and your not gay...then don't be surprised if people doubt you if you say you are straight...if your a gay asexual and your coming out at the same time then the coming out should always and only refer to being gay....asexuals can be straight, gay and even the greedy (bi) and for that reason coming out is not applicable to asexuality...rant over :D

so onwards...YOUR A FREAK, YOUR A SHIRT LIFTER, YOUR A LETTUCE LIKKA, YOU HAVN'T MET THE RIGHT PERSON, YOU JUST NEED TO HAVE A GOOD F*CK, YOUR TOO DEPRESSED TO BE ONE, YOUR A TEEN WHAT DO YOU KNOW, YOUR HIDING SOMETHING, GREAT WHAT ABOUT ME NOT HAVING GRAND KIDS, IS IT SOMETHING THAT YOU EMOS DO, THE CHURCH WILL NOT ALLOW IT, YOU DISSAPOINT ME etc etc

At some point... almost all asexuals would have had these thoughts of how they think...others would behave towards them should they declare their asexuality. Let me say from the get go..for MOST...these fears will be your own personal fear based on nothing more than that and the fear of fear itself is the biggest barrier..MOST people you tell in real life will at first be puzzled, unsure and a bit wtf..but in a way that is rarely negative..in fact many of those you do tell in real life will either understand and be supportive or not totally get it but will still support you

There will be some..and it will an incredibly small minority who simply will not get it and of those even fewer will not be supportive but again...most when told, will be on your side because they value ...you..we can't however make someone believe us, we are all different people in real life.

Sometimes where it goes wrong it can be our own fault...away from the definition...asexuality is as confusing as sanity in a nutribullet..so don't be angry if some don't get..clearly many who identify as asexual will not be life long asexuals and so some doubt will always be there

Again sometimes it's our fault because..we take ages in general to find out who and what we are..and often the person we identify as at 16 will not be the person we turn out to be at 30...so if it takes ages for us to know who we are...how can we expect others to "get it" in the very few minutes after we have told them?...even more so given most will have never heard of asexuality?

Our job as asexuals if asked....or if you wish to declare your asexuality...is to inform people as clearly as possible on the basics...be consistent..but also understand that is where it ends....we must allow others to learn, take time and find how they want to deal with it in their own way...if you demand they get it and demand they must accept it... then we will fail and you as a person may have lost a good friend/family for not other reason in how you communicated it to them and then respecting their opinion afterwards. We have no rights to be accepted but we should patiently ask that they listen for a brief moment of explanation

Using my own figures on aven then the largest group identifying as asexual of some kind is females between 18-24...I mention this because often when you declare anything in this age group some will say .."it's a phase"...don't be offended by this..remember it is how you feel that ultimately is what is important to you...but also be open minded..as humans we do have phases..as we reach sexual maturity our body throws a lot of learning curve balls at us and it is a discovery time often called a phase...hey even oldies have a phase, in women it's called a "change" and men it's normally a mid life crisis...our body clocks are more stubborn than we are.....that doesn't always mean it's wrong We have phases in life..accept that and move on

For our younger members many fear their association with asexuality, being gay etc will be ignored or disrespected because of the age they are when they disclose who they feel they are.....this often see's parents vs kid battles at a time when hormones are already making it difficult to focus......let me let you in on a secret...your parents were kids once too so know exactly what you are going through.....sometimes they forget some of the important bits but generally they are on your side...the key here from BOTH sides is communicating. Most are not denying you...they just want you to explain it better and give them time to understand...most will and are on your side

As I said before we can't force others to accept who and what we are ..that is real life..what we can do however is realise how we communicate to our parents and friends can greatly increase or decrease the success of acceptance. Also never look for a 100% agreement in what you are....you are almost never going to achieve 100%..in any walk of life..but remember for most who declare who and what they are...most will get the support they feel they need ..it will go better for most than go wrong..so again how you communicate can see the success rate vary

I'm among a rare group in Asexuality...I am life long asexual and also a parent so I see both sides..telling my daughter in her 20's I was Asexual wasn't an issue...she asked why many of my relationships ended...I pointed out that one I am an arse and two finding a compatible partner who was also asexual or a sexual with a similar expectation towards sex was very hard....almost impossible but I have to be happy with who I am first..she asked what an asexual was and I explained the definition and how it works in my day to day life..there was some puzzlement but she was very supportive

On the parent side for you younger ones, particulary if you are female..I cannot understate just how much the worst thing your kid can say...ISN'T..mum,dad..would it be okay for you if sex really wasn't high on my radar? Most parents would find this to be an the most comforting thing a child can ever say to their parent. Again communication and understanding in how you do your pitch and then give them time..most will be supportive..will see what your success level is

Look around at asexual sites and you often see some are afraid to tell others but..when they finally have and have done it in the right way then..most of them have such a huge relief that this load has been taken off them that they wish they had done it much earlier.

To summise as my typing fingers hurt..what ever age you are..the fear itself is causing the biggest problem....communicate what and who you feel you are accurately and give them time to understand....be open to different views even if you may not agree with them and for most of you...you will get the love and support those around you want to offer..it won't always go right..we are human and that is real life but I absolutely assure you once you have felt confident enough to share..most of you will be glad you have.

and please... try not to ever ever say..your coming out :P
Last edited by PiF on Thu Jan 15, 2015 7:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Narnia
Established Member
Posts: 70
Joined: Fri Dec 06, 2013 7:42 am

Re: Coming out

Postby Narnia » Thu Jan 15, 2015 6:04 am

As far as I'm concerned my sexuality (or should that be asexuality) has nothing to do with anyone. I have mentioned it to a few people but more in passing than a grand announcement.

PiF
Apositive Star
Posts: 2270
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 1:47 am

Re: Coming out

Postby PiF » Thu Jan 15, 2015 7:14 am

I would agree Narnia in some ways, for me personally asexuality is only part of me and as such it's been raised whilst in conversations that happen to overlap

I also understand that for some it becomes such a eureka moment that they are filled..normally for a short while..with such a feeling of identity that it rather takes over a bit..and for those the next step can sometimes be a ..hey everyone I feel so proud and I want you all to know...we all I suppose in different ways either inform others or not...the key here is like the communication...you have to do what is right for you

User avatar
Narnia
Established Member
Posts: 70
Joined: Fri Dec 06, 2013 7:42 am

Re: Coming out

Postby Narnia » Thu Jan 15, 2015 2:45 pm

True, it would be a very boring world if we were all the same :)