Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

For discussion of general issues pertaining to asexuality.
PiF
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Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby PiF » Mon Feb 23, 2015 3:06 am

This won't take long

If you think that finding a partner who is compatible to you just because they are asexual then you might find it might not last and may not even get off the ground.

For me asexuality is one very smal part of who we are, the simple lack of sexual attraction. For others asexuality can mean a one legged death mute gay dog who doesn't shag for 2 minutes.

My point is that with asexuality being just one small part of our make up then pinning your hopes on just one compatability is unlikely to work, even more so within the "rainbow people" offering it at more variances" than colours on 4k tv.

Don't get me wrong, if you are a person who has found a compatible person to have a relationship with AND they happen to be Asexual AND they happen to be an Asexual with similar understandings then whoop whoop.

But be realistic, being asexual alone is not a guarranty of that relationship working, very few ever work with just one compatability.

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KAGU143
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby KAGU143 » Mon Feb 23, 2015 9:59 am

No, of course it isn't a guarantee, but if you have a sufficiently large group of asexuals to search through then you have one less major problem to worry about and you can focus on the other traits that are equally necessary for a successful relationship.

Granted, I'm not sure how much any of it will help when you have entire generations of people who think that those carefully scripted "perfect" relationships portrayed by the entertainment media can be achieved if they only find the right person, and that the chemical-driven insanity caused by the courtship phase of love will magically endure forever.

If they have accepted those lies then their relationships are doomed to failure regardless of where they stand on the human sexuality spectrum.
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flergalwit
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby flergalwit » Tue Feb 24, 2015 2:43 am

The title is somewhat odd and seems at variance with the statements in your post, piffy. And btw...
PiF wrote:If you think that finding a partner who is compatible to you just because they are asexual then you might find it might not last and may not even get off the ground.
[...]
But be realistic, being asexual alone is not a guarranty of that relationship working, very few ever work with just one compatability.

... I don't know anyone who thinks either of those things.

*iz aro and not looking for a relationship, so only of academic interest for me anyway*

PiF
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby PiF » Tue Feb 24, 2015 5:29 am

Michael I know only the infinity sign gives you a boner :lol:

I was raising the point that some may be under a preconception when looking for new info..you know me..always willing to help :D

Your right of course Nancy, multiples of choice will increase the chances depending on wether your a real asexual or not will reduce those same chances.

JustBeingMe67
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby JustBeingMe67 » Tue Jun 30, 2015 1:59 pm

At least if you know the other person is Asexual....you have one thing that won't be an issue (sex) for the most part. :)
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby PiF » Tue Jun 30, 2015 2:31 pm

Not really..but welcome Just

this is the big missunderstanding around asexuality it's the lack of sexual attraction..not an inability too have sex, physically unable too have sex or even being sexually repulsed.

When you look, most asexuals have relationships with sexuals..some asexuals have sex with sexuals because the love/care for that person and are okay with making that partner happy though that act, I've also seen it said that some asexuals want sex because like masturbation because it's an itch they need to scratch.

Lacking sexual attraction is all we have different from sexuals however I have known some who are sex positive and some who have used their asexuality to not have sex and use it as an exscuse

I would agree it may seem an ideal pairing, two asexuals but lacking sexual attraction is one very small part and even within asexuality the differences in opinions around sex vary greatly

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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby JustBeingMe67 » Tue Jun 30, 2015 4:17 pm

It makes perfect sense to me that if I am Asexual and meet another Asexual, we can agree that sex is NOT what we are seeking out of the relationship. I do not believe that a person should have sex "because they want to make their partner happy through that act". I believe that if the two agree to have sex, than so be it...but doing something against my will is something I am NOT willing to do anymore....I spent way too many years doing shit for other people, including having sex in the relationship when I didn't want or care to. This did not mean I didn't care for the person, I was just not interested in sexual intimacy.

So, when you state "I have known some who are sex positive" how are they Asexuals? I guess I don't understand that part. If I am not sexually attracted to men, does that mean I might be, given the right guy and or situation? Please clue me in.....:)
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby PiF » Wed Jul 01, 2015 3:09 am

Aboslutely if both partners are asexual then it makes talking about the elephant in the room more easier

Having sex to make a partner happy...I need to explain that fuller .... sex positive are those, like me,... who would rather have a cup of tea than a shag but don't mind having sex...but that isn't what asexuality is..it's the lack of sexual attraction so things like sex positive and sexually repulsed can just as easily be applied to sexuals as they can be to asexuals ... having a sexual partner should not automatically be considered a big problem and judging by the many who do, it appears not to be a big one

it's a annoying and downright rude for the asexual community to assume all sexuals walk around 24 hours a day with a permanent boner or dripping knickers ...most sexuals, certianly the ones I know...seem to be becoming less and less interested in sex as real life is taking such a harder toll on them and sex is dropping down the line of priorities within relationships

So how can sex positive asexuals be asexuals at all...again asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and nothing else.....being sex positive, sexually repulsed, gay, trans, straight etc...these are equally applicable to sexuals as asexuals so are not asexual specific..so beyond the actual lack of sexual attraction, everything else is down to the individual

If I am not sexually attracted to men, does that mean I might be, given the right guy and or situation? Please clue me in.....

Working on your a lady who prefers male partners...being attracted to a possible/current partner is part of any relationship...not all attraction is sexual.....and that is why so many sexual/asexual partners work..... the compromises/deciding, if any on sex ..well they are the same wether you are sexual or asexual..how often, positions, if at all

Asexuals with other asexuals and it working..well the owners of this site are a good example... but they be rarer than a rare thing..even more so given the small size of our long term asexual community.

This is just my opinion so I hope others will step in too with their experiences
Last edited by PiF on Wed Jul 01, 2015 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby Ciri » Wed Jul 01, 2015 2:36 pm

I like sex, because I'm too lazy to masturbate.

I get no intimate connection from it.
No emotional pleasure.
It's to relieve extreme boredom and reproduce.

That doesn't stop be being any less of an Asexual to anyone else here. Pif, too, has spread the seed from his loins and spawned.

I would like an asexual partner but I doubt this will happen. So I would settle for a sexual partner who understands that while they will get sex, I wont enjoy it for the same reasons as he does and he wont get it as much as the standard relationship would - I'm very queazy about foreplay aimed at myself.
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JustBeingMe67
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby JustBeingMe67 » Wed Jul 01, 2015 2:42 pm

So where did my other nicely thought out response go? UGH....don't want to repost until I know for sure it won't appear.
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JustBeingMe67
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby JustBeingMe67 » Wed Jul 01, 2015 3:09 pm

Thanks for clarifying things for me PiF!
Peace~

PiF
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby PiF » Thu Jul 02, 2015 1:13 am

Your welcome

I think asexuals that have sex fall into the same groups such as gay asexuals when people ask... how can you be gay and asexual...why would you have feelings towards someone when there is no sexual attraction...and that is they key

orientation has nothing to do with asexuality so it is possible that you can lack sexual attraction to another but still with to hold a relationship with them as most relationships are built on more than just sexual attarction.

I know this is just my view and am sure others may chime in with theirs too

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KAGU143
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Re: Why you will never find a compatible asexual partner

Postby KAGU143 » Tue Jul 07, 2015 6:51 am

I think I will disagree with PiF in this case because I cannot - and WILL not - separate the cause and effect relationship between attraction and wanting.

In my opinion, you are right that finding another asexual will at least remove ONE possible source of friction from a potential relationship. It's only one, though.
(Granted, it's a big one.)
My experience with mixed relationships (sexual and asexual) is that there are a lot of perils inherent in those situations.
A REAL asexual will have to put on an act if they want to make their sexual partner feel that he/she is sexually "hot" and sexually attractive to them.
Quite a few (not all) sexuals feel that being sexually attractive to others is an important part of their very being, so it's not so much about how often they have sex - it's whether or not they are sexually desirable to their partner. An asexual won't be able to find anybody to be sexually attractive. (If they do then they aren't asexual.)
They can appreciate beauty of course, and they can evaluate whether or not their partner is sexually attractive using objective criteria, but they can never experience it firsthand.
For some sexuals that's a real deal-breaker. Sex and love are so tightly intertwined in their minds that they can't understand how they could be loved if they aren't also lusted after.
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