Fear of sex or asexual....trying to establish which one.

For discussion of general issues pertaining to asexuality.
fisharmy
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Fear of sex or asexual....trying to establish which one.

Postby fisharmy » Wed Jul 02, 2008 1:04 pm

Right, this is INCREDIBLY hard for me, so bear with me! I've just recently turned 18, and decided its time to sort myself out mentally and get a grip basically. I'm a 'normal' 18 year old in my eyes....well, slightly off the rails! Without sounding arrogent, i'm a popular guy, with many groups of friends and I spend half my life out in clubs/ pubs getting wrecked and doing what every other kid my age is doing. Only im slightly different in a small way, aren't I.....

I've always known there's something just not there with me. When I was 15 (the week before I was 15 I got together with someone, and the week after I turned 16 we split up) I had a girlfriend for a year or so. During this time, we never had sex but did everything else there is to do. During none of these acts did I ever cum, or did I ever properly feel.....there I guess, even though I was instigating most of it. Since then, there have been different girls i've kissed, and one i've been involved with (on the few nights we did anything, I didn't let her really go near me, I only went near here...) someone recently.

Recently, i've had more and more girls trying it on and basically if I wanted it, it's there on a plate. The thing is, i'm absolutly shitting myself at this! I mean, I dont want to go to certain parties/ nights out currently as I know there's gonna be girls who want me and will try it on, and I just dont wanna end up in a situation where I have to make my excuses and get the f*ck outta there! I've never really been THAT bothered about sex, and haven't even masterbated bizarelly enough, as the thought makes me feel.....odd! Kind of, lets say....dirty/ wrong? f*ck knows!

Anyway - I need to sort this out NOW. I need to sort out what I am, and go from there. With the lifestyle I have, I could NEVER come out with any of this to anyone. It's taken me a year or so now, but I just sent a letter to my best mate (well, one of several, I feel her to be someone who can help me more than the rest, and I trust her properly unlike anyone else) and i've decided its time to face up to everything. Before yesterday I was even to scared to look up anything on this subject as I was scared as to what I would find out about myself!

If people could just tell me what they think I am that would be great.....! Im sure you all have expierences with this, or you wouldn't be on these boards, and im sure you all know what you're talking about more than me.

Sorry for such a long post btw! ;)

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inanechild
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Re: Fear of sex or asexual....trying to establish which one.

Postby inanechild » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:23 pm

I would strongly advise that you first consult a doctor about your inability to achieve orgasm. A male friend of mine also had never been able to orgasm during sex and had difficulty masturbating, and it turned out to be linked to a medication he takes. Of course, psychological reasons are also a distinct possibility, but you should consult with a physician first just in case.

I think your anxiety regarding sex is really not unusual. Physical and emotional intimacy are daunting things, even if your social life is 100% in order. We all know that your "first time" has so much cultural pressure associated with it. I would say your best bet is to just relax and listen to your heart. Maybe you're asexual, or maybe in a few years you'll feel comfortable enough to explore your sexuality. I'm 20 years old, and the amount of changes in regards to my own confidence that I've gone through in the past years have been quite dramatic. Though you might technically be an adult at 18, you're still young and have a long life to live, so don't count yourself out now. Those are just my two cents. ;)

fisharmy
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Re: Fear of sex or asexual....trying to establish which one.

Postby fisharmy » Thu Jul 03, 2008 3:13 am

See, I can achieve an orgasm, I just feel INCREDIBLY uncomfortable with it. I reguarly do when sleeping, say every week or so. Therefore I dont think its a medical problem?

I just dont seem to feel that comfortable with myself in that way whatsoever. I mean, i'm not comfortable enough to ever masterbate for starters. I can happily enough do other sexual things to a girl, as it doesn't involve me and gives them pleasure. I have no problem being touched etc, but kind of....have a line which I dont feel comfortable being gone over. I've read up on many asexual things in the past few days (just grown the bollocks to do so!) and I think I fit in somewhere, but unsure.... I mean, I really want a relationship and love kissing/ cuddling up with a girl, but after that things get abit....odd....in my mind.

Thanks for the reply, this is the first time i've ever discussed this with anyone, so ANY opinions/ advise etc are greatly appreciated! :)

pretzelboy
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Re: Fear of sex or asexual....trying to establish which one.

Postby pretzelboy » Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:03 am

Hi fish army! I hope that reading stuff about asexuality (and sexuality) can help you figure things out. My first question for you was going to be about what happens down there when you're sleeping, but you've already answered that. I guess that means that all your parts seem to be working fine.

Here are my initial thoughts. First, there is a definite difference between physical arousal (getting it up) and subjective arousal (feeling horny.) The two often go together but not always. Second, it is possible for a male to orgasm (while awake) with physical arousal but without any subjective arousal/feeling horny/sexual fantasies/sexual desire, etc. But it can take a long time--sometimes 30 minutes or more of pretty constant friction. So I guess my question, which you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself if you don't want to, is when you did stuff with your girlfriend, was it because it was something you wanted to do or something you felt like you were supposed to want to do. Of course, in real life our motivations tend to be really mixed and difficult to know. It's possible that you didn't feel comfortable with certain things because you lacked sexual desire. It's also possible that it's just not something you felt comfortable with at that time. We all have things we're comfortable doing and things we aren't and it's important to recognize that it's perfectly okay to admit that we don't want to do something--this is especially true where sexuality/asexuality are concerned because we're all different but there are strong social expectations telling us how we all need to conform to a pretty narrowly defined idea of "sexually normal."

As you've probably figured out by now, being asexual is about not experiencing sexual attraction. It's perfectly possible for asexuals to want to engage in some sexual activities for a variety of reasons--curiosity, it feels good, they feel like it's something they're supposed to do, they want to make someone else feel good and so on. Of course, asexuals certainly aren't the only people who do sexual things for these reasons. It's also possible for asexuals to feel types of attraction besides sexual attraction, but our culture tells us that a whole bunch of feelings that really are different have to go together. If you're emotionally attracted to someone, we're told that we should want to have sex with them. For a lot of people, this is true. But not for everyone.

I guess my advice for you would just be to try to keep reading stuff and try to figure out what you are and aren't feeling. With the way that cultural changes have happened, people have come to recognize that its okay to be interested in sex, but we still have to come to accept that it's also okay not to be interested in sex. There are lots of people (not just asexuals) who have times in their lives when they're just not interested.

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Placebo
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Re: Fear of sex or asexual....trying to establish which one.

Postby Placebo » Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:12 pm

Hate to throw this out there, but could it be an emotional/trust issue? I know that I absolutely, completely, without-a-doubt did not feel comfortable AT ALL with sexual activity for a really really long time (I'm in my first sexual relationship now, I'm 24). But most of that was because I really didn't feel comfortable enough with anyone to explore sex/sexuality until then. Once I found someone who was a) my best friend and b) willing to go as slow as I needed to go, I found that most of my hesitation slowly evaporated. It was a long process, but it worked. You sound like you are a really social, outgoing person, but it's possible that in this one aspect you need something that's a more . . . I dunno. . . solid? deeper? relationship. And that's perfectly fine if it's the case, don't worry about it. Some people are really into one-night stands, some people are really not into it, it's your call.
"Now it's right for me to be me."

Phil Halvorsen, from "The [Widget], the [Wadget], and Boff" (Theodore Sturgeon)

New Penny
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Re: Fear of sex or asexual....trying to establish which one.

Postby New Penny » Sat Jul 05, 2008 5:52 am

I have to say I feel uncannily similar to yourself (I'm male too). I too had a girlfriend for a while and I never came, and the sex itself seemed boring, although I got aroused with kissing etc. For me, I'm not sure but I don't think I was particularly attracted to the girl in the first place, and I chose her because she was 'safe' - ie, not sexually threatening. I was (still am) sort of afraid of girls who are to me sexually threatening. But of late I have managed to distance myself from them, and I'm thinking about sex less and less.

I have two fears: firstly 'giving myself' to a girl and placing my trust in her (which is necessary for me in order to 'cum') and for her to then reject or refuse me - and the result of this is that I don't let myself place genuine trust in her in the first place. And secondly: having sex with a girl whom I thought I found sexually attractive and for me then not being able to 'cum' or even become aroused and then being ridiculed/treated with pity/hated, even by the girl - which would be painful. I would have to see myself as a fraud, and a person who has been lying to himself that he is a 'red-blooded male.' In either case, I can spot that I ultimately fear rejection or abandonment.

Another thing for me is this: deep in my psyche, I associate climaxing with a girl with 'conquering' her. Even, in a sense 'destroying' her. And I refuse to let myself DO this to someone I think is nice and feminine and beautiful. It would make me a bad person, and I don't know whether I could live with myself. Plus, I think the girl would hate me for damaging her. I would come to see HER in a different way - I don't know whether she would seem beautiful to me any more.

Don't know whether any of this rings with you. I don't know whether, in your case you should perhaps think about having a sexual relationship with someone you don't really 'like' - someone about whom you are less afraid of 'getting dirty'?! Just an idea.