hello hello, total newbie here
as a teenager I knew I was different. For one, while every other gal I knew was desperate to have a boyfriend - I didn't see the point. I'd look at boyfriend and girlfriends, and honestly I did not see love. I just saw a mating ritual. But I wanted love!
I looked around me in high school, and asked...who has love then if the teenage couples don't? And then I saw it. It came in the form of a best friend. Not just any best friend, but the truest kind. When I saw those best friends share everything with each other, I grew jealous. Boyfriends never made me jealous. Best friends did!
to me, friendship became an expression of love. I was a little lonely then. None of my friends seemed to take friendship as serious as me. There was always this wall between us I couldn't get through. I couldn't get close to them. And in their eyes, the ultimate love is a sexual one. Not friendship. But in my insanity, not even marriage interested me. Just...friendship. Just friendship.
I just couldn't relate to other teenagers, which made it harder to even have friends! It's not that I wasn't sexual. I mean, what's more hot than broke back mountain? It's just, I couldn't get sex to fit in the picture of love
I even fell in love with one of my female friends. Though my emotions towards her were completely platonic. I didn't want or need to touch her. Instead I felt immense pain at the thought of losing her. Which I did.
Other people didn't seem to have a longing for an emotional and meaningful friendship, and other people instead longed for a so-called romantic sexual relationship. Which I lacked an interest in.
So I tried finding some kinship online. And I had found the community, celebratefriendship.org. My God! Seriously! That community was a blessing. Shame it died. It answered so many of my questions. And it was enlightening to learn that once upon a time friend meant platonic lover.
It was in that community that I first learned the word asexual. I entertained for a while that maybe I was asexual. But I didn't really know. I don't know what it means to be sexual. I just use the term asexual to describe myself since I just didn't know!
All I know is, sex for me seemed the least important thing in a relationship. I wanted something more. Conversation even! And for many years, sex seemed passionless. Especially right now at my age, 24. It just seems expected that someone my age has sex for the fucking sake of having sex. Making the dating scene even more nauseating.
It's been extremely frustrating. I've never been in a physical intimate relationship with someone. While the physical part has never been so important to me, having an intimate (emotional) relationship is. When sex is so important to others, guys didn't understand me. Or in the case of friends, sex is why they are afraid to get too close (homophobia)......I had problems there too. And sharing my thoughts with anyone is hard. When you believe in the Higher Self, theres just a whole language you can't share with someone who doesn't! I love my friends, and this great Universe decided to give me my opposites. Most of my closest friends are horny atheists
I have visited AVEN, and just sorta watched the scene. But I think I only posted once when celebratefriendship died. I've been put off by the asexual scene, because romance didn't seem any more important to asexuals than it was to sexuals.
I don't really think of myself as asexual. Until folks harass me about never having a boyfriend. That its weird for a girl my age to not even show interest in men. And I mean, like zero interest. It's only when people tell me how abnormal I am, that I think of asexuality Which made me feel so alone. I've only confided with my best friend of my supposed asexuality. But often she views me celibate, as if I am just choosing to not have sex.
I've always been spiritual, but about two years ago I took it more seriously, and I read, and read and read. And I mean, I didn't care what religion, how off the wall crazy, if it was a 'holy alien' or what. If it was insane, even if I disagreed with it, if it was esoteric. Didn't matter. I'LL READ IT.
And then one day, I learned about tantra. Suddenly my whole world turned upside down!!
tantra, tantra, tantra. What is this? Meaningful sex? Sex that is love? Sex that is not about an orgasm yet it is the most orgasmic because its not about the orgasm? New age offered me such a different view of sex. So natural, so primal, so intense, but also so pure. Meaningful, but at the same time, not the foundation of the relationship.
people have described tantra as a ritualized sex. and yet from my perspective, that couldn't be further from the truth. tantra can be spontaneous. an embrace that enveloped the two lovers unknowingly, without any foreplay, without any warning. the experience becoming more emotional, than physical.
What could be more ritualized and far away from the most natural sex, then the entire sex culture, make-up, and taking the time to put on a condom?
It wasn't only until I read about tantra, ten years since I first felt different, that I could finally see myself, and I mean really see myself having sex. THE FIRST TIME, EVER. This coming from someone, who can't even have sex in dreams! Not only could I see myself having sex, but in a real physical relationship with a man. Maybe even married, that other word that just created a blank image in my head.
Not only that, but now realizing that I want a tantric relationship with a man. It would mean that my partner has wanted the same thing too. Solving a multitude of my relationship problems. He would be as spiritual as me, as tantra is spiritual, and he would be just as weird And who knows. Since it is what he has been searching for, then modern forms of sex, and their relationships, never interested or satisfied him.
Maybe for years, he thought he was asexual too. Harassed for his lack of interest in girlfriends. And if I'm lucky, maybe he would be a virgin too But that could be asking for too much, as there is more pressure on guys.
It's just nice to know what kind of relationship with a man I can look forward to. That I have always wanted this kind of intimate and emotional relationship with a man. And why my desire has left me disinterested in this meaningless modern crap. Why it has made me asexual. Why I am not asexual. Why this asexuality, if you can call it that, gives me the advantage to find what I want. Since other types of relationships have not distracted me. And even, the advantage that I can easily wait. And I can wait
I can wait
For discussion of general issues pertaining to asexuality.
2 posts • Page 1 of 1
Interesting post. I was psyched to read a book on tantra for a religion class I took once, but sadly, it was written in a very boring way. Like you, I'm 24 and have never been in a physical relationship, and I agree 100% with what you say about friendship. When most of my peers wanted boyfriends, I wanted a best friend. But finding true friends, like you say, is very hard. Some asexuals seem very romantic...and some aren't at all. There's no party line on that stuff, which I like. I've never viewed sex as a form of emotional connection, like many people seem to. I guess sharing music with people is like my form of emotional connection.