A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

For discussion of general issues pertaining to asexuality.
moonchild101
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A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby moonchild101 » Wed Mar 05, 2008 2:12 pm

Hi everyone..i am new here.

And i have a question. :?:

When i was 18, (i am 47 now)...i used to have a romantic crush on this guy...well..it may have been a little deeper then that. I may have really been in love with him. Actually it was more like.."un-requited love"...lol.....but what i wanted to say is...all during the time i had this crush on him...i never once thought of sex.

And thing is, i thought he was really cute. And i did desire physical closeness with him. You know..like hugging..cuddling...stuff like that. But i never thought of sex.
Sounds pretty strange...at least to the average person.

Now i'm not saying sexual feelings couldn't have still been there, all i know is that i don't ever recall fantasizing about him in that way.

In fact all during my teens i seemed to have had these "non-sexual" crushes. Whether it would be on celebrities, or guys i knew in real life.
I mean, i could never figure it out. Only like one or two guys i think managed to get sexual feelings/thoughts out of me. lol....but most were non sexual.

I used to think....is that normal? ..especially when i thought the guy was really good looking....and still desired physical closeness with them.

Also...i am actually a very sexual person. Maybe i am at the wrong forum....lol....but yet not really....cause i have had feelings of "non-sexual" episodes in my life.

You guys seem like the right folks to discuss this with. Everyone else i asked this about...totally didn't understand.
I was just wondering why i was like that..and if i am normal..lol...cause i realy did like/love the guy alot..romantic love. But yet..void of sexual feelings. :eh:

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Vittoria
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Re: A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby Vittoria » Wed Mar 05, 2008 3:44 pm

Something that many sexual people have a difficult time understanding is the separation of romantic and sexual interest. You've experienced what romantic asexuals experience with the majority of their relationships--the romantic part without the sexual part. Usually I try to show sexual people what I mean by asking: Have you ever known a person you didn't like much but you'd sleep with him/her because they were just setting off your chemicals? Well, this is similar. You like a person to bits but the sexual chemistry just isn't there.

I've also known hetero-sexual women who could be romantically attracted to other women. That usually freaked them out because they couldn't get their minds around being attracted to someone without desiring sexual contact.

So, yes, this is a good place to talk about your experiences, because the romantic asexuals of us will completely understand. I know you've just described every single crush I've had. :D

moonchild101
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Re: A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby moonchild101 » Wed Mar 05, 2008 4:37 pm

Vittoria wrote:Have you ever known a person you didn't like much but you'd sleep with him/her because they were just setting off your chemicals?

Now that youve mentioned it..lol...i have never experienced that. Unless i am romantically attracted to them in other ways... I do not want to sleep with them. I have never separated the two. I dont think i can. If i want to sleep with someone, then i am romantically interested. I know a lot of people don't understand that. Most people i know can easily separate the two. I cant. I could never be a one night stand kind of girl.

And theres even women who have sex with guys they are NOT attracted to in ANY way...yet they have sex. Like for other reasons...for instance... their ego...they're lonely...social status...to get ahead in a job...to get even with a cheating partner...ect. Basically every reason but genuinely feeling true sexual romantic feelings for that person. All that confuses the heck out of me. lol
Now i am not saying i need to be "in love"...but there at least has to be SOME feeling there. Which by the way, doesn't happen that often with me. I am..at least compared to most people..RARELY sexually attracted to someone. Once every several years,...if that much. lol ...Most people find attractive people every other day it seems. lol..

I always thought i was a bit odd because of that..yet it feels normal to me. :D


I've also known hetero-sexual women who could be romantically attracted to other women. That usually freaked them out because they couldn't get their minds around being attracted to someone without desiring sexual contact.

So, yes, this is a good place to talk about your experiences, because the romantic asexuals of us will completely understand. I know you've just described every single crush I've had. :D

Thank you Vittoria...cool. 8)

And whats weird is...if i go back in my mind and try thinking of that guy i had a *crush on/in love with*.....and try thinking of sex with him...my mind rejects it. lol. Its like i dont wanna ruin anything by thinking of doing THAT with him. haha :oops: Its like..noo noo..no thoughts like that! LOL :silence: :oops:

And its not like i think he's gross or anything. Thats whats so weird. :/

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spin
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Re: A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby spin » Wed Mar 05, 2008 6:27 pm

Those are exactly the sorts of feelings I had in mind as I was writing my blog post on asexual love, moonchild.

Like Vittoria said it's the same as everyone else's romantic attraction, asexual people just have an easier time separating romance and sexuality because we don't experience sexual attraction.

moonchild101
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Re: A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby moonchild101 » Wed Mar 05, 2008 7:21 pm

spin wrote:Those are exactly the sorts of feelings I had in mind as I was writing my blog post on asexual love, moonchild.

Like Vittoria said it's the same as everyone else's romantic attraction, asexual people just have an easier time separating romance and sexuality because we don't experience sexual attraction.



I actually think alot of "sexuals" can easily separate the two. Thats why theyre able to have one night stands and sleep around.
For many many sexuals...romance and sex are NOT intertwined. Especially if the sexual feelings come first.

But generally..when there is romance...then yes.. sexual feelings usually follow.

But with me..it apparently didnt. :lol: at least that time. Still dont know why exactly...cause i'm normally as a rule..not like that. Maybe it was just him. haha
It kinda reminded me of those three little monkeys: "Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil"... :oops: :lol: ..when it came to thinking of sex with him. ahahaha

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spin
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Re: A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby spin » Wed Mar 05, 2008 9:57 pm

That's the thing, though--I think everyone understands that sexual attraction or chemistry doesn't always involve romance, but it can be difficult to get across that for asexual people, romance just doesn't involve sexual attraction.

There's a great paper by Lisa Diamond in the Contributions forum that discusses the occasional disconnect between sexual and romantic attraction and the fact that people sometimes fall in love with someone outside of their sexual orientation, like Vittoria mentioned.

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Vittoria
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Re: A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby Vittoria » Thu Mar 06, 2008 3:23 pm

I can identify when you say that even now you can't imagine sex with your guy-crush because some of my crushes are romantic but purely platonic--even in my mind.

I do sometimes have crushes that are romantic and I enjoy thinking about sex with the other person, though I have no interest in pursuing actual sex.

And if I try to make myself think about sex--even the fictional sort--with my platonic crushes my brain says, "noo noo nooooooo. This shop is closed, go home."

moonchild101
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Re: A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby moonchild101 » Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:36 pm

Vittoria wrote:I can identify when you say that even now you can't imagine sex with your guy-crush

And i'm still trying to figure out why. One possible theory as to why i never thought of sex with him, was because my sexuality wasnt quite developed then. Even though i was 18, i was still very much an innocent virgin.
Then again other guys i had crushes on during that time, like a certain celeb i can think of...it wasn't non-sexual with him..lol...so i don't know about my theory. lol :roll: :oops:

Yes, even now when i try and think of my guy-crush in a sexual way...its the see no evil hear no evil speak no evil monkeys again. hahah. Probably because i never thought of it then...and that i kinda wanna keep it that way.
I liked it just the way it was. Why ruin a good thing by thinking of sex? :lol:


But, thing is..i was never able to get physical with him apart from holding hands and hugging him goodbye. lol. And the holding hands part was only because i was living in a Christian communal home at the time, and at times, we would all gather around and hold hands and pray. And if i got lucky, i was able to hold his. lol. In fact i would always try my best to make that happen. He was clueless though to that. haha.
So i cant really say for sure, since i wasn't in a real relationship with him. He never even knew i liked him till the very end.

So what im saying is....maybe i would have thought sexual thoughts if i was in a real relationship with him and got physical. Then MAYBE i would have thought something then. :lol: ....so maybe the desire for sex with him was still there buried underneath....but i never knew because i could never get that far with him to even find out.

So maybe my non-sexual crushes just needed some REAL physical prodding..lol.....while other obvious sexual crushes..need no help at all.
Maybe it just depends on the guy...lol...i dont know. You think maybe its like that with you all? ...possibly?


And if I try to make myself think about sex--even the fictional sort--with my platonic crushes my brain says, "noo noo nooooooo. This shop is closed, go home."

lol Yup. And i used to think i only had platonic crushes when i was a teen. But no. I had a crush on a celebrity when i was around 31/32 years old..and it was that of a non sexual kind. So i guess even as a full grown adult...i am still capable of non sexual crushes.

70thousandfathoms
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Re: A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby 70thousandfathoms » Sat Mar 08, 2008 8:50 pm

Yeah, count me in. I used to get crushes on people, up through high school, I guess, but it never occurred to me that a "crush" might involve some sexual component until I got to talking to other asexuals (long about age 20) and found out there were things other people were thinking about that (many of us) weren't. My crushes have all been of the "you're nice to look at and/or talk to so let's do that" variety. The way this kind of interest manifests itself now, I'm reluctant even to talk about these as "romantic crushes." I'd call them friend crushes, if anything, or brain crushes, in certain contexts.

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Placebo
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Re: A question about non-sexual romantic interests..

Postby Placebo » Sun Mar 09, 2008 1:08 pm

70thousandfathoms wrote: I'd call them friend crushes, if anything, or brain crushes, in certain contexts.


Ooh! I like "brain crushes," that's cool!

I don't get either romantic or sexual crushes either, but I definitely get friend or brain crushes where I'm besotted with someone--either male or female, doesn't matter--for a few weeks or a month or two, I think about them a lot, want to talk to them, random things remind me of them. . . .but at most I envision getting trading back massages or having really cool conversations. I'll point out that even though I'm in a semi-sexual relationship right now, and I had a friend crush on my partner (it's sort of faded, now we're friends without the crush), I still don't envision or imagine doing anything besides cuddling, even though sometimes we do more. Weird, I know.
"Now it's right for me to be me."

Phil Halvorsen, from "The [Widget], the [Wadget], and Boff" (Theodore Sturgeon)