How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

For discussion of general issues pertaining to asexuality.
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Vittoria
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How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby Vittoria » Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:52 pm

Prompted by moonchild's thread I started thinking about my propensity for carrying on sexual relationships (in my head) with some people I'm romantically attracted to. Not all people, just some, and it's never over the long term. I meet a woman, find her interesting, and start fantasizing about her. If, during that time, she came on to me I'd say hell no, as sex is of no interest to me outside my head. What I've tried as always made me think, "Well, that's not right at all."

Anyway, the sex fantasies stop once I get to know the woman at all well. I think it's possible it's somehow related to simply wanting to get to know the woman better--Freud or Jung said that when we dream of sex with a person it means we want to get to know them better. I'm not a huge fan of either of them, but I do very frequently have sex dreams about people (male and female) I'd like to get to know so I wonder if that isn't bleeding over into my more conscious thoughts.

Do any other asexuals here enjoy thinking about sex--or simply find themselves thinking about it--with new people in their lives?

To the sexuals: do you ever find yourself fantasizing about people you'd not sleep with given the opportunity or would you find that gross?

And on another scale--what relation does your imaginary sex life have to your actual desires?

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Shockwave
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby Shockwave » Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:22 pm

I have a bit of a sex life in my head. However, when I actually look at or talk to the person those things don't cross my mind.

I'm completely comfortable with sex in real life though, it's just not something I pursue.

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spin
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby spin » Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:55 pm

I've had very few sexual dreams, and I was only female in the one where I was Lavinia from Titus Andronicus. I'd like to hear a psychoanalyst's take on that.

I don't have sexual fantasies about people, however much I'm attracted to them. I've tried deliberately putting myself in sexual situations in my head, for instance with crushes. But I have. . .what would I call them, mild domination fantasies? My attempts at sexual fantasy never quite worked out, but occasionally they turned into scenarios with sexual tension and a power difference, which I think is really hot. There's a sexual element to it, but it's always very one-sided and gendered. Whichever role I'm in, it's more about the other person's sexual desires and the power differential hinges on that--she uses her sexuality to overpower me, I take advantage of his sexual desire for me. Something like that. I could imagine such a situatino leading to sex--even if I'm not actually seeing it in my head.

And those fantasies are pretty similar to my ideal sexual scenario. I think sex is unintuitive enough to me that I need that tiny edge to it, one way or another. Plus I always like knowing what my part is.

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Vittoria
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby Vittoria » Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:28 am

spin wrote:I was Lavinia from Titus Andronicus.


I'd be all about being dominated by Tamora...

spin wrote:My attempts at sexual fantasy never quite worked out, but occasionally they turned into scenarios with sexual tension and a power difference, which I think is really hot. There's a sexual element to it, but it's always very one-sided and gendered. Whichever role I'm in, it's more about the other person's sexual desires and the power differential hinges on that--she uses her sexuality to overpower me, I take advantage of his sexual desire for me. Something like that. I could imagine such a situation leading to sex--even if I'm not actually seeing it in my head.


Wow. That is so incredibly similar to what I experience. I tend to think of those as sexual fantasies, because I know the sex is probably happening even though I don't often "see" it. I suppose I should say my imaginary sex life isn't usually graphic. Sexual tension is usually the chief thing happening in my mind. Once the sex happens once then the relationship loses its edge. Was it Shakespeare who said, "Things won are done, the [experience/joy/something] is in the desiring."

Something like that. CS Lewis says some interesting things on desire being the real joy in life.

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Olivier
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby Olivier » Fri Mar 07, 2008 11:29 am

Vittoria wrote:Anyway, the sex fantasies stop once I get to know the woman at all well. I think it's possible it's somehow related to simply wanting to get to know the woman better--Freud or Jung said that when we dream of sex with a person it means we want to get to know them better. I'm not a huge fan of either of them, but I do very frequently have sex dreams about people (male and female) I'd like to get to know so I wonder if that isn't bleeding over into my more conscious thoughts.

I'm the opposite. I've only ever had sex fantasies about people I already know well. I've never had a fantasy about, or a crush on, a celebrity - ever in my whole life, not even as a teenager. I can't even get really aroused by porn without mentally substituting the actor with someone I know.

Vittoria wrote:To the sexuals: do you ever find yourself fantasizing about people you'd not sleep with given the opportunity or would you find that gross?

Not gross at all. While I usually fantasise about my wife, on other occasions it will be other people I know - usually people from my past: coworkers, ex's, old crushes.

Often the fantasy starts with the thought: "What might have happened if....". You know, "what if my old crush had actually liked me too", "if I wasn't already attached would I have ended up with that cute girl I worked with who seemed to have a crush on me, and what would that have been like", "what if I randomly met that girl who pursued me in my teens and we finally had sex all these years later".

Now in real life I could meet all these people, and not want to actually have sex with them (apart from my wife!). Firstly, I'm happily married (more on that below), and secondly I seriously doubt that the reality could match my fantasies - after all in fantasies things always work out pretty close to perfectly.

Vittoria wrote:And on another scale--what relation does your imaginary sex life have to your actual desires?

I think my imaginary sex life matches my desires very closely. But it's close to my desires before the messiness of the real world intrudes. In reality, I can't have sex with my wife as often as in my fantasies, because she doesn't want that. In reality, my old crush wanted "bad boys", not me.

So my fantasies match well to what my desires might be if I was not married, but just floating around the world able to act entirely without responsibilities or consequences, or the troublesome reality that others get a say in the shape of my real sex life.

Sometimes, though, that matching up of fantasy with unencumbered desire can be a bit scary. Ocassionally, if sex isn't happening with my wife, I get powerful fantasies involving deliberate, and deliberately hurtful, infidelity. Always as dreams, never while awake. It's a really negative power vibe, and I hate the way it feels to even recall it from a dream. But it does make the dreamt sex i n c r e d i b l e. :oops: :shhh:

Ah, the power of the forbidden and unattainable. ;)

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spin
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby spin » Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:43 pm

Vittoria wrote:
spin wrote:I was Lavinia from Titus Andronicus.


I'd be all about being dominated by Tamora...

That would've been a lot more pleasant than the sequence I was dreaming about.
Vittoria wrote:Wow. That is so incredibly similar to what I experience. I tend to think of those as sexual fantasies, because I know the sex is probably happening even though I don't often "see" it. I suppose I should say my imaginary sex life isn't usually graphic. Sexual tension is usually the chief thing happening in my mind. Once the sex happens once then the relationship loses its edge. Was it Shakespeare who said, "Things won are done, the [experience/joy/something] is in the desiring."

okay, cool. Yeah, I never know how to classify those kinds of sexualish-but-nongraphic thoughts. The sexual tension vs sex thing's what I'm worrying about right now. . . how can I sustain that in a relationship so we're both getting what we need to make it fun?
Vittoria wrote:CS Lewis says some interesting things on desire being the real joy in life.

haha, but I don't imagine CS Lewis would be too supportive of our big gay power/domination sexual fantasies.

Olivier wrote:I'm the opposite. I've only ever had sex fantasies about people I already know well. I've never had a fantasy about, or a crush on, a celebrity - ever in my whole life, not even as a teenager. I can't even get really aroused by porn without mentally substituting the actor with someone I know.

That's interesting. I've wondered if my tendency to mostly stick to safely unattainable celebrity crushes or strangers has to do with keeping some mental distance so I never think of these scenarios as actual possibilities at all.

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Dargon
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby Dargon » Fri Mar 07, 2008 5:29 pm

I think once again I'm a bit bizarre here:

Dreams: I seldom remember my dreams, and I cannot remember ever having any sexual dreams.

Fantasies: I do have these sometimes. The acts tend to vary and the person they are with is a nameless person I cannot picture, never someone I know, never a celebrety, never a fiction character, never anyone really. I do not know if there is imagery when others fantasize, but I have none, it is more like text. Additionally, it pretty much always involves pleasuring the other person and her reactions to it, seldom if ever my own feelings and sensations.

Of course, considering the only thing that really sexually excites me is the sexual excitement of others, this does make sense.

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Fox
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby Fox » Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:40 pm

I read boys' love/yaoi/slash mostly. There either has to be decent plot, or nicely done non-sexual imagery for me to be interested in it at all. Stylized/non-graphic sex scenes I like...but once a particular non-definable line gets crossed, I start getting bored or annoyed with it.

I'm not sure if that qualifies as my own imaginary sex life, or not.
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cyan
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby cyan » Wed Mar 12, 2008 9:07 am

I've had 2 overtly sexual dreams since a long time ago.

In the first, I had (completely context-less but quite explicit) sex with ... er... someone? and enjoyed it, then woke up and worried about whether having a sexual dream and enjoying it and being aroused by it meant that I was actually sexual after all, then woke up and felt quite mellow since I'd already gotten all my worrying over with. ;)

In the second, I was a guy, either somewhat sexual or just more susceptible to peer pressure, and I started having sex with a prostitute ... whereupon a part of my brain started freaking out saying "But how does that work??? I don't have a penis!?!?" And then it started phasing into and out of existence, which made things rather awkward ...

Er, as spin said, I'd like to see a psychoanalyst's take on that. :P

Excluding those two dreams, my fantasies and dreams in general are almost exclusively asexual -- fantasies about holding hands or cuddling in a dark room or generally touching in various nonsexual ways. There's the occasional dream wherein I think there may be some sexual tension going on, but it's always in a "and then they disappeared into the bedroom and expressed their love for and intimacy with each other", roundabout sort of way. Waking fantasies don't even get that far.

Waking fantasies tend to focus either on my current crush (though since it's unrequited I try to avoid those :\) or some vague person-shaped shadow towards whom I feel intense romantic feelings. Dream fantasies are almost exclusively the vague person-shaped shadow ... typically, when people I know appear in my dreams, they appear in the context in which I know them in real life, so while I might dream feeling mournful about my unrequited crush on this person, I would not actually dream it being requited. And I'm another of the set who only crush on / fantasize about people I know in real life first.

Interesting ... until I thought about it just now, I hadn't really realized there was quite that significant a difference between what does and does not happen in dreams versus in waking fantasies.

Imaginary sex life (barring those couple of blips) = real sex life = nothing
Imaginary asexy physical closeness life (cuddle life?), however, is unfortunately infinitely more active than in real life ...

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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby Dame du Lac » Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:30 pm

Imaginary sex life (barring those couple of blips) = real sex life = nothing
Imaginary asexy physical closeness life (cuddle life?), however, is unfortunately infinitely more active than in real life ...



Oh so true.

I've had vaguely sexual dreams. My first one was when I was eleven (and in the throes of puberty I should point out), but it was waking up with someone with the implication that sex had taken place. On the rare occasions I've had sexual dreams since then, they've all been vague rather than anything explicit happening. I'd say my waking fantasies are pretty much the same; I don't find myself thinking explicitly about sex it has to be imagined deliberately and is all a sort of "preparation" for what when I meet someone and want to have kids (and therefore need to have intercourse). On the other hand I often naturally think of lying in someone's arms or falling asleep with someone in the "spoons" position. That fits with my occasionally experienced sexual attraction - there is some thought of sexual activity with the person but that doesn't last very long and is overshadowed by the desire to be physically close by being hugged/held or similar.

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gasvara
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby gasvara » Fri Apr 04, 2008 4:54 pm

Dargon wrote:I think once again I'm a bit bizarre here:
[..]
Fantasies: I do have these sometimes. The acts tend to vary and the person they are with is a nameless person I cannot picture, never someone I know, never a celebrety, never a fiction character, never anyone really. I do not know if there is imagery when others fantasize, but I have none, it is more like text. Additionally, it pretty much always involves pleasuring the other person and her reactions to it, seldom if ever my own feelings and sensations.

Of course, considering the only thing that really sexually excites me is the sexual excitement of others, this does make sense.


I do not at all think this is bizarre. Well - on the other hand, it might just imply I'm bizarre, too?
I seem to fall into the very same category. Since I have tried to live a life as a sexual person (and so far failed, since I can't seem to enjoy sex) I also have some sort of experience that just contributes to the evidence. It seems I'm not even able to get in the state of being able to have sex without pleasuring my partner before. The only thing that can get me excited is seeing (and feeling) another person being aroused.

That's also what my sexual fantasies revolve around. I never got much satisfaction out anything, but I get not even the tiniest bit of satisfaction out of people trying to satisfy me - so the fantasies are mostly about some crushes I have, some people I'd like to get to know, to seduce and to pleasure - sometimes this involves people close to me, sometimes not. Most of them are female, but sometimes they are male.

Lately though, my sexual fantasies have ceased to be really sexual. They involve more cuddling and emotional... proximity? ... than anything else. And people start losing their faces, shapeshifting between more and more figures I know, sometimes changing gender in the middle of the act and just generally becoming all blurry - with words replacing what used to be graphical.
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"

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positivegirl
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby positivegirl » Mon Jun 09, 2008 2:54 pm

um, well i don't really have fantasies. But then again i fuess thats just another symptom of being asexual. Though when i was 11 i had one, but it was no one that i knew or had ever seen and it was more like rape. :oops:
Bre

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:02 pm

I don't really have a 'imaginary' sex life, but I do have reoccurring characters in my dreams, one of which could be interpreted as sexual, even though I never remember doing sexual with her :think: Damn my complex and evasive subconscious
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby psycho-kaz » Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:30 am

i dont have an imaginary sex life, in most of my fantasies or dreams, the person i am crushing on i tend to just kiss them/snog them and we generally just touch each other, i dont really imagine wot it would be like to have sex, it never happens so yeah

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Carsonspire
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby Carsonspire » Sat Jun 28, 2008 5:12 am

I have neither sexual fantasies nor sexual dreams. I generally don't fantasize about anything; perhaps I just have a lack of imagination or am too rooted in reality ... though that may not be such a bad thing ;)

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ily
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Re: How active is your (imaginary) sex life?

Postby ily » Sun Nov 23, 2008 4:57 pm

It's strange-- I used to have sexual fantasies when I was younger (and still thought I was heterosexual), but just because I thought I "should". It's amazing how societal expectations got inside my head like that. Since I've ID'ed as asexual, I don't have sexual fantasies. I guess they weren't all that natural for me to begin with.