Where is your shag point?

[PiF]

From the beginning I need to make something clear..sex repulsed or sex positive ..non are asexual specific nor are they contributors to asexuality..so if your going to start with that please do reply

Onwards

For those of us who are long term asexual and given the amount of real asexuals there actually aren't in the world....it is incredibly likely that any relationship we would have had ....would have been with a sexual person

Now assuming that once it started to get serious you told that person you were asexual...lacking in sexual attraction and once they knew and understood did you then fine tune them into the preferences you have?...i.e. your celibate, sex positive, sex repulsed

When you did ...how did that talk go and how did you break it down, did they understand..at first or long term, how did the theory work out and how is it now?

Normally I would go first but I would value others opinions first? What say you?

[cdrdash]

I only have one lonely experience to talk about and I'm not sure it fits in with what you ask above.

I did not come to identify as asexual till the middle of my last relationship with a sexual woman. We shagged before I realized (confirmed?) my asexuality. I had hoped that sex would come naturally once I was in a relationship but it didn't really. I did the deed because it was what I felt was supposed to happen in a relationship. I thought my feelings of discomfort and worry were because I was a virgin and was nervous about the experience. I thought once I did it, I would like it and all would be well. But ... nope, didn't like it at all. Then came months (maybe a couple years) of me not asking to have sex and my partner getting upset with me for not asking for sex. I would never refuse to have sex with her when she asked but I would never ask myself because I didn't really want to have sex. After one particularly nasty fight about it, I thought about randomly asking her for sex so she would shut up about me never asking. But I never was able to get myself to do it as I really didn't ever enjoy the sex. To be frank, she didn't enjoy it either because she wasn't stupid and could tell I wasn't enjoying it. I tried to fake enjoyment and for the first several times I think I did succeed in feigning enjoyment. We tried sex therapy (really only involved talking about sex with the therapist not her coaching us on how to have sex). In the end though, I figured out that we were trying to fix something (my asexuality) that wasn't broken. I finally admitted to my ex that I was asexual. We stayed together for a bit after that and discussed having her find a sex buddy but in the end other issues outside of sex led me to see that I needed to break up with her all together so I did.

Since then I have been single. I'm not pursuing a relationship either. If one falls in my lap (not likely), I won't object. However, I will come out as asexual very early in a relationship if it happens to be with a sexual. I need for whoever to know up front that I'm not likely to want to have sex with them. I haven't ruled out sex altogether but I really think the odds that I would enjoy it are very long odds! I guess my shag point would probably be, I'll try it once when the other person wants to give it a go.

Forgot to add ... shag point with a male is never. No interest in having sex at all with a male.

Cathy

[flergalwit]

I don't know if you meant to imply otherwise but sex repulsed and sex positive are not exclusive options. You can be both sex repulsed and sex positive, or just one or the other, or neither.

I'm really repulsed and my "shag point" is "none whatsoever". Well, I'm almost sure of that anyway. Not cast iron certain.

Interestingly enough, the only cases of sex I've read about that *might* be palatable to me are ones of extreme submission or passivity. I've occasionally read accounts on AVEN of guys describing a sexual experience where the woman took complete control... in some cases the consent on his part was even questionable. Like one person once spoke of being "taken advantage of" by a woman after waking up next to her with an erection. It's ironic but it's this kind of account that's the closest to sounding OK to me, due to not having to make any of it happen myself, and due to not having to look at what is happening. (But, for the avoidance of doubt, I don't think anyone, of any gender, should be having sex without consent: that goes without saying.)

[PiF]

Firstly thank you all for the replies

I wasn't sure how to express my thought process other than shag point but having seen the replies perhaps another way is needed

Even some sexually repulsed people at some point will meet a person who they think..why not or I would like too and on that situation what was the thought process behind it.

I suppose what I was looking for away from the kiddy playground ...is those with life experience and how sex or having sex if you had... impacted on your life within a relationship and what was your decion process to say yeah why not..or no thank you

For me I have always said I'm sex positive, but reviewing that I don't think I am, I am sex meh...I am not anti sex however.

The difficulty certainly from a male perspective for me has been when you are open and honest about things as a relationship/friendship develops is when sex or being a couple is mentioned. I am honest and say I am asexual (and point out honestly that is not about you but it REALLY is about me) and then with the additionals as I like to call them. My additionals to me asexuality are that I am straight and celibate. Now even with all those cards on the table I still get asked does that means you do not have or want sex? So obviously I point out my libido is fine and performing is something I have no issues with and on occasion I have and have enjoyed it but...Again reminding them I am asexual with some additionals...the same way a sexual would have additionals

But it's at what point within a relationship you say..you know what...why not..and because it is very specific to each individual and their story that I thought just how similar how many of our stories are?

[KAGU143]

I would have to go way back in history to find myself with any sort of "shag point" whatsoever since I can't even imagine it today, but I was a lot less certain when I was younger. I primarily attributed this to not knowing myself very well and to being heavily influenced by my peers, not to mention society in general. It was the era of Free Love, after all.

I was like cdrdash insofar as I thought I would learn to like it once I went ahead and did it a few times. Didn't happen. In fact, it became less and less enjoyable as I went on. Not in any physical way, but it gradually began to feel emotionally repressive and alienating.
Having to lie to your partner is always bad for a relationship, and pretending to enjoy sex was a lie for me.

[Ciri]

With my ex, the conversation went something like:

"I don't want sex with you because you're a lying cheating piece of shit and I'm asexual. But mainly the former."

I am quasi-repulsed. So I enjoy the idea of sex (not finding any person attractive) but when it comes to the act...

I've been known to hide in toilets for hours hiding.

[PiF]

Like George Michael ?