enjoying sexuality asexily

For discussion of issues pertaining to sexuality. Warning: Topics within this forum may contain frank discussion of a sexual nature.
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spin
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enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby spin » Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:17 pm

So I'm in my first relationship of sorts, with someone who's not asexual. I'm also very empathetic; in social situations I'm usually rather influenced by the mood of the people around me. Even though I don't have the same attraction to my partner, and I don't even get fully aroused when we're fooling around, I respond emotionally to the sexual energy and excitement my partner feels. I don't know if it's the contact high, that I like being desired, or some internal taboo monitor feeling kinky or a combination or what, but I really enjoy it and I'm responding a lot more than I thought I would. Rather than seeing sexual tension and activity as an obstacle, I don't think I'd be having nearly so much fun if it weren't for the sexual edge to our relationship. On one hand I almost feel like I'm reaching for something I can't quite grasp, but on the other hand I'm really enjoying what I do get out of it.

The thing is, none of this--not even wanting to have sex with my partner--is repositioning my identity as asexual. And it's not like I'm doing mental acrobatics to fit into some box, here, 'cause I've always felt more like that was just a useful thing to throw in my "queer" drawer. It's just, as much as I puzzle it out, I still don't feel sexual attraction. It's more that it's fun to do things my partner likes, it does feel good, and when I think about it intellectually or emotionally, this is a person I enjoy being physical with. It does just kind of take that extra conscious step to get to sex from there.

For some time I've thought I'd prefer a nonsexual relationship within a polyamorous setup, where the others were having sex but not with me. This was in large part because I'm practical and was not hanging any hopes on meeting just the right asexual person, and didn't know if I'd be comfortable with sexual activity myself.

I suppose the most interesting discovery I've made in this relationship is the idea that a completely nonsexual relationship, or one with another asexual person, wouldn't be as thrilling to me. In this relationship, we both have to work harder to communicate our needs and our preferences and to please each other, and I think that's strengthened our feelings for one another.

I know most of the folks here have very different needs and boundaries, but can anyone relate? Sometimes I get flickers of feeling like I'm being hedonistic, or otherwise like I'm rationalizing for my partner's sake, or. . . I just think too much really. Anybody?

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Kez » Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:33 pm

It sounds like you're a perfectly (cateperfectly?) normal human, spinny.
In Relationships (note the capital), especially first Relationships, what you thought/felt how you would react might turn out to be the complete opposite.

It sounds like you're happy, and that's the main thing, really.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Jessamyn » Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:34 pm

seriously? seriously? get out of my brain. you're scaring me.

I've been off and on with the boy (who is sexual) for um, just under five years. we really don't get into sexual situations very often, but when we do I often find myself responding, as you say, more than I think I will. I do enjoy it, and I enjoy him enjoying it, which I think heightens his enjoyment, which in turn heightens mine, and so on and so forth.

I don't know if it's the contact high, that I like being desired, or some internal taboo monitor feeling kinky or a combination or what, but I really enjoy it and I'm responding a lot more than I thought I would.

this is... yeah. (out of my BRAAAIN.) I thought it was the second one for me for the loongest time, but the more I think about it the more I feel like maybe it's not for any particular reason, the enjoyment just is. sexual people don't question their enjoyment of sexual activity, why should I feel like I have to find a distinct reason for it? because asexuality doesn't mean 'I hate sex and it is bad and ew don't come near me with those naughty bits,' or even 'sex is good for everyone else but I don't like it personally,' it just means that I don't have that need or craving for it that sexuals seem to have.

a completely nonsexual relationship, or one with another asexual person, wouldn't be as thrilling to me.

me too. I don't know why, because I'd imagine that even with an asexual person I'd be able to find enough differences between us to make it interesting, but having to quantify and qualify desires like that definitely adds an element to the relationship that I think I might miss, otherwise.
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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby spin » Tue Jan 08, 2008 10:21 pm

Kez wrote:It sounds like you're a perfectly (cateperfectly?) normal human, spinny.
In Relationships (note the capital), especially first Relationships, what you thought/felt how you would react might turn out to be the complete opposite.

It sounds like you're happy, and that's the main thing, really.

aww, that is lovely feedback. *hugs* I am happy. Still weird, but mmmhappy. And I really am pretty comfortable with everything, just here's where I get to be all ranty and insecure. For discussion's sake, you know :P

I guess I can stop with the gender ambiguity, here. He's a fella.

Jessamyn wrote:I do enjoy it, and I enjoy him enjoying it, which I think heightens his enjoyment, which in turn heightens mine, and so on and so forth.

YES. That's exactly what is going on. We had a talk about it in terms of how I enjoy kissing (more about the response I get from him) and how it's this weird loop thing. Fortunately he's more amused by it than anything.

I cannot emphasize enough how much we talk about everything and how that is the only way any of this is working so nicely.

Jessamyn wrote:the more I think about it the more I feel like maybe it's not for any particular reason, the enjoyment just is. sexual people don't question their enjoyment of sexual activity, why should I feel like I have to find a distinct reason for it? because asexuality doesn't mean 'I hate sex and it is bad and ew don't come near me with those naughty bits,' or even 'sex is good for everyone else but I don't like it personally,' it just means that I don't have that need or craving for it that sexuals seem to have.

That is. . .a really excellent point.

I do feel like I overanalyze everything, in part because that's just how I am and in part because I've spent so much time thinking about all this stuff in hammering out my (a)sexual identity. I find myself breaking down my attraction to him on various axes, and then I realize what I'm doing and think, "f*ck it! I love him, who cares." 'cause really, what does it matter if I'm attracted to him physically vs aesthetically or if I can define "romantic" attraction? I do like describing things, though. I feel good about having worked out I'm sexually interested but not sexually attracted. It makes sense in my head.

Jessamyn wrote:
a completely nonsexual relationship, or one with another asexual person, wouldn't be as thrilling to me.

me too. I don't know why, because I'd imagine that even with an asexual person I'd be able to find enough differences between us to make it interesting, but having to quantify and qualify desires like that definitely adds an element to the relationship that I think I might miss, otherwise.

YAY. I feel like I'm choosing a difficult path and I don't know why. Glad I'm not the only one.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Jessamyn » Tue Jan 08, 2008 10:45 pm

spin wrote:I do like describing things, though. I feel good about having worked out I'm sexually interested but not sexually attracted. It makes sense in my head.

I like figuring these things out too! otherwise I probably wouldn't be here :P but I do think that there may not necessarily be a specific source for some of the feelings I have and things I experience, and for me it's necessary to accept that and move on, otherwise I'd probably stop in the middle of every makeout session (I really hate that phrase, can we get a better one?) or whathaveyou and be like WAIT. why am I enjoying this? is it a physical response? or an emotional thing? or do I only like it because you like it? or do I really like it or do I just think I like it... ? etc.
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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby spin » Tue Jan 08, 2008 11:03 pm

YES! Accepting these things and enjoying them in the moment is what matters. I admit though, I've nearly always still got this little metaemotional internal monologue while we're fooling around, and I don't know how to turn that part of my brain off. . . .Sometimes he'll do something--in earnest--that is just so clichéd or whatever that I'll start laughing. So I do feel a bit removed from it the whole time.

Granted, a good friend of mine who's not asexual says she starts laughing every time she makes out with someone. Maybe it's just a brain thing and I'm overanalyzing again.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Jessamyn » Tue Jan 08, 2008 11:17 pm

ahaha you are definitely not alone in the laughing thing. I do that a lot. the boy does it, even.
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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Mr. Paradox » Tue Jan 08, 2008 11:26 pm

I've never been in a relationship with a non-asexual person and never will be at this rate, so I can't say how I would fare, but it does me good to know that there are asexuals out there who don't feel obligated to run screaming at the first sign of action.

I believe that the very last criterion we should use to define asexuality is what happens when we're actually having sex. There's so much else going on there, emotionally and interpersonally, and much of it can exist perfectly well outside the realm of sexual orientation. For people of any orientation, if you're deep enough into a connection with a person to want to be having sex with them even though they lie outside your sphere of sexual attraction, you're already past the point of nice, tidy sexuality.
"He cannot, however, long remain asexual when he sees the great peasant girls, as ardent as mares in heat, abandoning themselves to the arms of robust youths."
--Havelock Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby spin » Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:01 am

Laughter is good :mrgreen:

Mr. Paradox, you are a wise and articulate gent. And I would not for the world doubt that what you've found is right for you. While I know of course everyone has different needs and preferences, it feels odd to me to have such admiration of your relationship and such wildly different needs for myself. So it goes. I'm glad my lack of heebie-jeebies does you good.

Mr. Paradox wrote:For people of any orientation, if you're deep enough into a connection with a person to want to be having sex with them even though they lie outside your sphere of sexual attraction, you're already past the point of nice, tidy sexuality.

NO SHIT. haha. It doesn't seem all that extreme, though. . .more like falling for someone who'se not your type than a straight guy falling for a dude. (Okay, so for the first week or so I felt more like a straight guy falling for a dude. [including, actually, the whole "why weren't you a woman" thing])

To fella's credit he is very cognizant of and--of all the possible reactions--flattered by the fact I'm in love with him without being sexually attracted to him. Seems to think it means I must really like him for him or some such.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Jessamyn » Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:21 am

spin wrote:Seems to think it means I must really like him for him or some such.

yeah! I don't get that. like somehow the emotional attraction is stronger/deeper just because the sexual attraction isn't there? I mean, I get silly frivolous little crushes all the time, and they are definitely no less frivolous because there's no sexual attraction involved.
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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby spin » Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:40 am

heh, exactly. I can be shallow too!! (ooh, that gives me an idea for another post, or perhaps even blog entry. hmmn. . )

. . .I really do like this one for him though.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Mr. Paradox » Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:31 am

Shucks, spinspin. I want to come over there sometime so I can give you BOTH one big giant hug. Also, that sounds like a good blog idea.

I've heard anecdotes from time to time about intimate relationships between, say, a gay man and a straight woman that stray into sexual territory out of sheer affection without anyone's orientation changing. I'd like to know more about this phenomenon, and talk to some such people if they're out there, but I don't know where to start looking.
"He cannot, however, long remain asexual when he sees the great peasant girls, as ardent as mares in heat, abandoning themselves to the arms of robust youths."
--Havelock Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby ghosts » Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:38 am

Oh yay! This is a great thread.

spin - I can really relate to this, because I'm in a sexual relationship too. I'm not really sure what else to say about it, except that I do enjoy it, and that I'm really quite comfortable with how I feel and that it doesn't confuse me all that much (it used to, but I've relaxed a bit).
Jessamyn wrote:I thought it was the second one for me for the loongest time, but the more I think about it the more I feel like maybe it's not for any particular reason, the enjoyment just is. sexual people don't question their enjoyment of sexual activity, why should I feel like I have to find a distinct reason for it? because asexuality doesn't mean 'I hate sex and it is bad and ew don't come near me with those naughty bits,' or even 'sex is good for everyone else but I don't like it personally,' it just means that I don't have that need or craving for it that sexuals seem to have.

I definitely agree with you here.
spin wrote:I find myself breaking down my attraction to him on various axes, and then I realize what I'm doing and think, "f*ck it! I love him, who cares." 'cause really, what does it matter if I'm attracted to him physically vs aesthetically or if I can define "romantic" attraction? I do like describing things, though. I feel good about having worked out I'm sexually interested but not sexually attracted. It makes sense in my head.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Interestingly enough, I find it easier to simplify things and not worry about definitions too much - it's better for me to take the time to describe the actual relationship than trying to figure out what exactly it is. "Am I romantic, am I aromantic? Oh, the drama!"

spin wrote:I admit though, I've nearly always still got this little metaemotional internal monologue while we're fooling around, and I don't know how to turn that part of my brain off. . . .Sometimes he'll do something--in earnest--that is just so clichéd or whatever that I'll start laughing. So I do feel a bit removed from it the whole time.

Yeah, heh - I can feel a bit removed at times.

Mr. Paradox wrote:I believe that the very last criterion we should use to define asexuality is what happens when we're actually having sex. There's so much else going on there, emotionally and interpersonally, and much of it can exist perfectly well outside the realm of sexual orientation. For people of any orientation, if you're deep enough into a connection with a person to want to be having sex with them even though they lie outside your sphere of sexual attraction, you're already past the point of nice, tidy sexuality.

Yep, pretty much.

Ack - sorry I'm not contributing much of anything in this thread!

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby KAW143 » Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:42 am

I have a friend who has been in such a situation (referring to Paradox's post from earlier). I wouldn't feel very comfortable, you know, talking too much about it where everyone can see; however, she told me that it was just ... strange. But, wonderful.

There is a world of possibilities that can be explored when certain ... inhibitions are either ignored or completely lost. I think people too often get hung up on the idea that there are things that they either should or should not be doing -- and, invariably, the list of things are imposed from some kind of external source. Which is what leads to sexual confusion. Realistically, the only rule when it comes to sexuality and relationships is that there are no rules -- other than the rules which you and the other people involved decide upon together. Any other consideration is simply ... other, and had no bearing on your situation.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Saiya » Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:56 pm

I've only been in a couple of relationships in my life but both of them were kind of
off and on for short periods of time so i can't really say much for them.

I have had crushes before though but they usually tend to be on friends i've known for a long time as opposed to being
drawn to anybody. With me it tends to vary though, i can go for months at a time without feeling anything towards any one
and then out the blue i start feeling very close to someone i've known a long time.

It feels like a want to be closer to that person and is pretty strange when it happens because it usually brings up loads of questions
in my mind. Regardless i still don't have a craving to be in a relationship or have sex but the idea of either if it would allow me to be
closer to someone i care about probably wouldn't bother me.

I guess for me being asexual means i don't crave sex or relationships and likewise i don't tend to be driven towards either but my mind certainly doesn't rule either out.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Gadfly-in-Chief » Sun Jan 13, 2008 12:25 pm

Saiya wrote:I guess for me being asexual means i don't crave sex or relationships and likewise i don't tend to be driven towards either but my mind certainly doesn't rule either out.


That. Exactly that.
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spin
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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby spin » Mon Jan 14, 2008 11:20 am

Me too, Saiya. I'd never completely ruled out the possibility of having sex, and I'd thought it might be nice to have a relationship, but even though I got crushes I never cared enough to pursue anything. "If it fell into my lap," I said.

Well, it kind of did. :eh: I got pursued by the right person at the right time, most importantly in the right way. Anyway, it's giving me a safe space to explore my boundaries. On one hand, I don't feel sexual attraction has joined the picture, so, so much for any question I might just be a shy or lazy but otherwise sexual person. On the other hand, I'm finding that besides enjoying the physical and emotional intimacy (no surprise, for me) I don't just "put up with" sexuality; I can even get a kick out of it, if not the same way he does.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby ghosts » Tue Jan 15, 2008 6:36 am

Yep - that's what it's been like for me, spin.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Vittoria » Sat Jan 19, 2008 6:40 pm

Mr. Paradox wrote:I've heard anecdotes from time to time about intimate relationships between, say, a gay man and a straight woman that stray into sexual territory out of sheer affection without anyone's orientation changing. I'd like to know more about this phenomenon, and talk to some such people if they're out there, but I don't know where to start looking.


Um, hmmm. I've known straight women who've fallen in love with other women. I was talking to a friend recently about that very thing and she said she fell completely in love with another woman when she was 40 (not exactly a college fling, you know?) and she was still baffled by that. She's still straight and happy that way, just with that woman she had a very "intense relationship". :shrug:

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Gadfly-in-Chief » Sat Jan 19, 2008 6:46 pm

I had a buddy when I lived up in the DC area who had been married to the same woman for 30+ years. They had a few adult children. Pillar of the church and community. And I have heard him introduce himself in thier presence as "a happily married gay man."
Yes, the unexamined life is not worth living. But as a student of logic, you must realize that this does not imply that the examined life is.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Vittoria » Sat Jan 19, 2008 6:53 pm

That rules. Rules, I say.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Omnes et Nihil » Sun Jan 20, 2008 9:17 pm

Vittoria wrote:
Mr. Paradox wrote:I've heard anecdotes from time to time about intimate relationships between, say, a gay man and a straight woman that stray into sexual territory out of sheer affection without anyone's orientation changing. I'd like to know more about this phenomenon, and talk to some such people if they're out there, but I don't know where to start looking.


Um, hmmm. I've known straight women who've fallen in love with other women. I was talking to a friend recently about that very thing and she said she fell completely in love with another woman when she was 40 (not exactly a college fling, you know?) and she was still baffled by that. She's still straight and happy that way, just with that woman she had a very "intense relationship". :shrug:


There are people who experience sexual attraction outside their orientation, or romantic attraction and/or relationships outside their orientation. Doesn't happen often that the two coincide, for any length of time... nevertheless, if you have access to a university library, I know that someone named Lisa Diamond has published a few articles on those topics. A good place to start might be her article "What does sexual orientation orient?" (I'm not sure that's the exact or entire title.)

And then the whole phenomenon of gay men or lesbians in stable (reasonably happy) heterosexual marriages is another ballgame. I can only comment from personal experience... it's a good deal more common that people realise. It's just that people seldom talk about it. Especially when the couples decide to stay together.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Mysteria » Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:47 am

I can relate to this post... although I'm not quite in the same position yet, it's where I seem to be headed. I met a guy while I was studying abroad over the summer, and we hit it off really well. Due to a dream I had shortly after I met him, I knew there would be... something between us, though I didn't know what (and still don't, lol). I wouldn't have been able to pick up on the signals he was sending if it weren't for that dream telling me I'd better pay close attention. I made sure he knew I was asexual before he made his move, and he didn't understand but I could tell he had nothing but good will toward me, and he wasn't interested in just sex.

Long story short, I ended up falling for him (though he's about the last kind of person I ever expected I'd fall for, in some ways--it really does feel almost like I'm a lesbian falling for a straight guy), and lost my virginity to him. But since he didn't understand, I wasn't able to get comfortable enough to actually be engaged in the act--I just wanted to find out if I could get through it without having to tell him to stop. I really thought it would be much more painful, physically and otherwise. But I was totally fine with it, and that surprised me. And another thing that surprised me, I was fine with it without having to have the context of a Relationship within which to do it. I never imagined I could become so attracted to someone so quickly--in the past I've only ever fallen for people after I've known them for years, and it develops out of a deep friendship...

It didn't surprise me that I felt nothing during it, though, and that left me more sure that I ever have been that I am asexual (or at least close enough to it that it makes no practical difference). But I thought, you know, it's a shame that we didn't connect the way people supposedly do during sex, not even on a purely emotional level. I think if I can get him to listen to me and really try to understand instead of writing it off like he has done, really focus on me, rather than my gonads, and keep me engaged, I might well get to the point where I can enjoy it even if it doesn't come naturally to me. Our physical relationship has been on hold since August due to distance (and that's probably a good thing as it's allowed us to get to know each other better in a non-sexual way), but I may well get the chance to go visit him and test this idea out within the next few months. I really do think he'll listen to me, as he's always been considerate and respectful before.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Vittoria » Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:43 pm

Mysteria, I'm not sure I'd be ok with sleeping with a person who wasn't really listening to me to begin with... I take it you have loads in common? I've just always had a problem with people who claim to love me but then don't listen to me--I feel they don't really love me because they've not been listening to me. They love something else they're telling themselves is me.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Mysteria » Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:44 pm

We do have a lot in common, though we are complete opposites in terms of personality and as such have a hard time understanding where the other is coming from. I really didn't think I'd be okay with it either, I only actually discovered that I was *right* as it was happening. He does listen, actually, he just isn't easily convinced (and it doesn't help that my oral communication skills are very lacking--no wonder he wouldn't take me seriously at first). And before I got knee-deep in this whatever-it-is, I thought that would be a bad thing, but actually it's turned out to be better for the relationship than if he were. He pushes me in a way that I need to be pushed, and most importantly does it with good humor and concern for my general well-being. He's never claimed to love me (actually I'm not sure if he "believes" in love, he's definitely a head-over-heart type); for him sexual expression seems to be just a natural part of some of his friendships. Which understandably drives a lot of the other women he's been involved with bonkers since they go into it with a different understanding, but for me it makes things easier, because I don't need the trappings of traditional romance to love somebody. It's not the type of relationship I would have ever imagined myself in, but it's had an immensely positive impact on my life.

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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Jessamyn » Sat Jan 26, 2008 11:44 am

okay, this keeps coming up in the announcements thread over at AVEN, but I am loathe to post there for various reasons, so I just want to make a statement here and move on with it.

LACK OF SEXUAL ATTRACTION AND ENJOYMENT OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.


*ahem* *sits down*

[edit] nevermind, I am posting something along these lines over there. it's still a valid point to make here though.
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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Mr. Paradox » Sat Jan 26, 2008 12:46 pm

And I feel like I'm talking to a pair of brick walls over there, so I'm loath to post something to the effect of:

Sex, as an activity, can involve at least three distinct kinds of pleasure: sensual pleasure (physical closeness, stimulation and/or orgasm), emotional pleasure (sharing with and pleasing someone you care about), and the fulfilment of sexual desire. These are all separate, and the first two are something asexuals are perfectly capable of experiencing in all sorts of other contexts, from the feel of the warm sun on your skin to the joy of giving a friend a present. There's no reason we can't be expected to get them out of sex.

I can't be bothered to post that over there. If those few people think we're trying to convert them to dirty deeds, there's nothing that will change their minds.
"He cannot, however, long remain asexual when he sees the great peasant girls, as ardent as mares in heat, abandoning themselves to the arms of robust youths."
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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Placebo » Sat Jan 26, 2008 2:37 pm

Mr. Paradox wrote:Sex, as an activity, can involve at least three distinct kinds of pleasure: sensual pleasure (physical closeness, stimulation and/or orgasm), emotional pleasure (sharing with and pleasing someone you care about), and the fulfilment of sexual desire. These are all separate, and the first two are something asexuals are perfectly capable of experiencing in all sorts of other contexts, from the feel of the warm sun on your skin to the joy of giving a friend a present. There's no reason we can't be expected to get them out of sex.


If asexuals have such a hard time understanding this concept, then it's no wonder that some *cough* sexologists/talk show hosts have an equally difficult time.

It's interesting that most people seem to lump everything together--sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic attraction/desire, emotional/sensual enjoyment, etc. Since we seem to have lots of asexuals that seem to be lacking anywhere from one through/including all of these, then there are only two possibilities I can think of--whatever leads to asexuality or however the resulting brain wiring works has some increased potential to also wipe out/mitigate one or more of the remaining groupings. . . . OR lack of one or more of these things is fairly common in the population but it doesn't tend to be teased apart and dissected much. I'm leaning towards the latter, under the assumption that each corresponds to an independent bell curves with each of those and that they all tend to be present at varying, nondependent levels in any given person.
"Now it's right for me to be me."

Phil Halvorsen, from "The [Widget], the [Wadget], and Boff" (Theodore Sturgeon)

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Dargon
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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Dargon » Sat Jan 26, 2008 8:32 pm

I am in a rather odd boat on this subject. I have recently realised that what it is that "turns me on" is other people being "turned on." I still do not feel sexual attraction, but would be quite capable of enjoying a sexual relationship.

Anyhow, I would like to echo both Jessamyn and Mr. Paradox, that sexual enjoyment and sexual attraction do not necessasarily go hand in hand, and that there are several types of pleasure that can be gotten from sex, and while a person may not feel all of them, perhaps even the "important" aspects, but they may still feel some of them, and thus enjoy the activity.

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Emmarainbow
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Re: enjoying sexuality asexily

Postby Emmarainbow » Sun Jan 27, 2008 2:45 pm

Placebo wrote:
Mr. Paradox wrote: Sex, as an activity, can involve at least three distinct kinds of pleasure: sensual pleasure (physical closeness, stimulation and/or orgasm), emotional pleasure (sharing with and pleasing someone you care about), and the fulfilment of sexual desire. These are all separate, and the first two are something asexuals are perfectly capable of experiencing in all sorts of other contexts, from the feel of the warm sun on your skin to the joy of giving a friend a present. There's no reason we can't be expected to get them out of sex.

whatever leads to asexuality or however the resulting brain wiring works has some increased potential to also wipe out/mitigate one or more of the remaining groupings. . . . OR lack of one or more of these things is fairly common in the population but it doesn't tend to be teased apart and dissected much.

I'm certainly of the belief that many sexuals are aromantic, but sexual attraction wins through. I also think that places like aven do attract the more 'extreme' of any kind of person, and that many asexuals who are fine with sex don't necessarily identify as even a little bit asexual. Also, some people have come to aven as victims (sad, but true) and they see any kind of sexual advance as another attack upon themselves, and put this onto others. It has taken me some time to realise that I am actually, to some degree, quite excited about finding out what sex is like, from points one and two. This has made me reconsider my sexuality, and I'm still certain I'm asexual.

And yes, Jessamyn... I'm fed up of saying that too. I've never been told I'm not a 'real' asexual before I came back to aven in the summer... and never so much as I have done in the past month - just when I'd exerienced things to make me most certain of it. :roll: