Pre-asexuality views on sex?

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ily
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Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby ily » Tue Apr 21, 2009 1:18 pm

So, I know most of us asexuals discovered this about ourselves sometime in adulthood (I was 20). I'm curious to know what people's views of sex were before they knew about asexuality. Are there any common threads?

As for me, I assumed I was heterosexual before finding AVEN. I always assumed I would marry a man, and I would only have sex with someone if I really loved them. However, I had never experienced romantic love, and I still never have (I'm now 24). So in some way, waiting until I was "in love" was a way for me to never have to have sex. I had been attracted to people, but sex didn't enter into it, it was more of an admiration. Sex seemed good in theory, but when I actually started thinking about it happening to me, I began to think I could be asexual.

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Dargon
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Dargon » Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:14 pm

Mine was much the same, albeit being male I assumed I would marry a woman.

I never really had any desire for a romantic relationship, thus sex never entered the picture. I assumed that desire would come later. By college I had realized that romance wasn't my thing, but it wasn't until later that I actually realized that people have a desire for sex (this was very near the time I found AVEN). I had no qualms with the idea of me participating, however I saw no reason to seek it out.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby wintermute » Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:22 am

For me, I didn't really think anything about sex at all one way or the other, until I suddenly realised that nearly everyone else did, that suddenly thrust it into my mind.

For a while I thought that I could somehow change my nature and I did try a few times to carry off a relationship, however it wasn't making anyone involved happy, so for the next wee while I just went back to my default 'no interest one way or the other' state.

Now, I think I'd like to have someone to come home to and spend my life with, but not sexually.
Cicero wrote:"Neither can embellishments of language be found without arrangement and expression of thoughts, nor can thoughts be made to shine without the light of language"

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ily
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby ily » Wed Apr 22, 2009 10:24 am

wintermute wrote:For me, I didn't really think anything about sex at all one way or the other, until I suddenly realised that nearly everyone else did, that suddenly thrust it into my mind.


I had a really similar experience. I didn't question my sexuality until I realized all my friends were interested in things I wasn't.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby clouded_perception » Fri Apr 24, 2009 9:26 am

I assumed that what I felt was normal, and that the things you see in soap operas were caracatures of hypersexuals. The concept of cheating on one's partner due to sexual frustration and the attractiveness/sexual receptiveness of another seemed overblown and unrealistically dramatic, and I assumed that this was deliberate. I was aware that I had some sort of inability to judge which people were "hot", but considered this part of my generally poor social skills and inability to pick up of the "fashion" of attractiveness.

In my late teens I bounced between thinking I was heterosexual and homosexual. (Oddly, I never considered myself bisexual.) Guys didn't interest me, so I must be homosexual... but the girls didn't interest me, so maybe I was heterosexual after all...

After falling in love with my bf I settled on heterosexual (confusing romantic and sexual feelings again), but the concept of sex worried me. I assumed I'd eventually marry a man, and then I'd have to have sex with him. That's pretty much how I thought of it, and considered deliberately going the eternal spinster route to avoid this. It didn't occur to me that there were any other options that anybody in the world except me would want.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Lemon » Thu May 14, 2009 1:37 am

It seems to be a theme that most asexuals consider being the homosexual as a teen since your either hetro, bi or homo, no one ever told me at that point there was other options!

I have a slightly different experience in that I have been sexually active since puberty, although I could take it or leave it. I assumed I'd get in to it one day, thinking maybe practise was what I needed :)

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby ghosts » Fri May 15, 2009 7:19 am

Well, before hearing about asexuality, & bit earlier on in my teen years, I didn't really feel all that different - or at least, I knew I was different, but it wasn't a big deal for me or for other people. I didn't think I'd one day be into sex, & I was never interested in dating or getting married. As I got a bit older (not that this was that long ago - I'm 24), I started to become somewhat sexually active & started having some pretty close relationships, but at the same time, didn't really define them. I think that's when I started feeling a bit more different & confused about these sorts of things. After finding out about asexuality & joining AVEN, I actually became more comfortable about talking about sex, about what I wanted, how I felt, etc. Not that this was all because of AVEN, but it certainly helped. Ironically enough, I've since become more sexually active... But I'm not confused about it, because I know where I stand (most of the time, at least!).

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby primoaprilis » Fri Jul 03, 2009 7:38 am

I come from a time and place in the distant past when sex was not talked about and was a dirty secret. Everyone was heterosexual of course though there were those who were different but never, never mentioned. I discovered in my teens that I did not like looking at female nudes nor did I see the point in dirty jokes and didn't find women attractive (whatever that was). I liked my male friends and had virtually no contact with females so I came to the shocking and terrifying conclusion that I must be one of the unmentionables, that is, gay (the only alternative I knew about) and had better keep quiet about it. Eventually I discovered that bisexual people existed and therefore logically there ought to be nonsexual people. Although I liked my male friends, and some very much, I did not want to have sex with them and thought I would be better classed as nonsexual but I could find no information at all to support this (pre web) and stuck miserably to my gay assumption for a an isolated and depressingly long time.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Lemon » Mon Aug 10, 2009 2:29 am

Ironically enough, I've since become more sexually active... But I'm not confused about it, because I know where I stand (most of the time, at least!).
I have found this as well, understanding my self as asexy has made me think about/engage in sex way more, woo irony! Partly its because I'm still on this journey of understanding my self and partly because its not so upsetting to be uninterested in it, I was really confused and terrified of my inadequacy. Now I can accept and try to enjoy it for what it is. Its not really a big lifestyle change for me, I just feel more comfortable with it. Well sometimes anyway.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Sciatrix » Fri Aug 14, 2009 2:36 pm

I was actually lucky enough to be linked to AVEN quite young, at age fourteen. So I didn't really have much time to spend questioning sex and my place in it and all that sort of thing, because by the time everyone around me was really gearing up and displaying interest in romantic relationships and all, I'd figured out that it was okay and normal if I wasn't. I think it saved me a lot of anxiety, especially given that I'm the sort of personality who will take a perceived inadequacy and worry about it incessantly. I didn't solidify my identification as asexual for several years after first encountering the term, largely because I figured that I was young and might just be a late bloomer, but by the time I was sixteen I decided that I probably wasn't about to want to have sex with or start up a romance with anyone anytime soon.

That said, I don't think I ever assumed that I'd grow up and get married, even as a young child. I've always been more friends-focused than that. I suppose it's not surprising I turned out to be aromantic! It genuinely never crossed my mind that all this romance stuff was supposed to apply to me when I was a kid.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Clarity » Fri Aug 21, 2009 11:24 am

Romance stuff freaked me out when I was a kid. ~_^

Before reading more of the sorts of stories around here, I spent about 4 years of teenage angst questioning my sexuality. See, I identified as bi, and I really wanted to hold onto that identity, because my only real motive not to was anti-bi prejudice and people who, often without even thinking about it, said things that completely invalidated my experience as a very inactive bisexual. I feared I was being irrational for holding onto that identity without strong evidence, but since coming to apositive, I've learned that it's actually pretty rational to not want to change your self-understanding solely because of someone else's invalidating statements.

I've also learned that there's so much variation out there that it's not really important what I identify as--that seeing human variation is far better for me at least than seeing boxes into which presumably everyone fits. I'm not *obligated* to read my name, number, and orientation off to everyone in my life, and being in the closet about my difference is not the only alternative.

But what I was like before! I'm not very interested in sex, and I'm not consistently interested in sex at all. I am far more consistently interested in intellectual discussion and personal stories of sexuality, sexual identity, social issues relating to sexuality, and so on. AVEN always appealed to me far more than any sexual content on the web. However, since I *do* occasionally experience sexual attraction (even if it is often in partial form), and I *do* experience sexual attraction directed at both males and females, I wanted to identify as bi, but then doubt would set in with people's stupid comments about it being a fad among young girls who don't know any better, questions about whether I'd decided yet, statements that I needed a lot more sexual experience to know (what kind of thing is it for a young teen's FATHER to tell them they need to have sex with multiple partners before claiming an identity?), and I would look at my absent interest in one sex or another and conclude that I had to be gay or hetero, and that bisexuality really didn't exist or was only very, very rare and certainly didn't apply to me and basically that the haters were right.

The asexual community is the only place I've ever come across that associates sexual attraction with orientation more than it associates orientation with sexual behavior. A lot of the time it seems that among many sexuals, sexual behavior is the only thing that matters, and what you feel can be damned--maybe that's why some people feel entitled to ask asexuals whether they masturbate or have ever had sex. But asexuals talk about attraction, all the many levels of it, as well as all the different activities you can do with someone and the level of enjoyment (or indifference, or repulsion) you can get from that. The message I get from you guys is: What you feel matters; it's the most important thing. You can look inside and find out what it is, and you shouldn't go farther than your comfort level even if people are telling you you shouldn't feel the way you really do.

I used to say, sometimes tearfully, and rarely, mostly at the end of years of internalized struggle against other people's vicious questioning of my orientation, either personally directed at me or directed at all bisexuals, or all young bisexuals, or all female bisexuals, or all young female bisexuals, or all virgin bisexuals, or all bisexuals who have only had sex with one sex, and so on, that I believed I could know who I was attracted to without first having sex. But emotionally, I'd internalized all the questioning (if I called it hate to the people who do it, they'd be offended and say it wasn't hate, but it's harmful and it's cold and it's motivated by prejudice, so I don't know what else it is--disrespectful careless ignorant bigotry, maybe), and I really didn't believe that I could know my own orientation without first having sex with both males and females, enjoying it with at least one of the sexes, and if I didn't enjoy it my first time with the other sex, trying with other partners to try to rule it out--and that would be ridiculous, given my reactions to unwanted intimacy and my difficulty in locating romantic partners or even living the more important aspects of my life with mental illness.

It wasn't just exposure to the asexual perspective that helped--having a bad relationship and realizing how much the path I was pressured onto would really cost was part of it. But messages from the asexual community helped me realize a lot of things I hadn't, and also helped me accept my level of sexuality, which is much closer to asexuality than it is to the cultural assumed level of sexuality.

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ily
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby ily » Mon Aug 31, 2009 2:24 pm

It's funny, because our culture's obsession with sexual behavior (vs orientation) is what led me to question my sexuality. I thought I couldn't be heterosexual because I never "acted" on it, however I had never acted on anything homosexual either. When I looked behind the reasons why I wasn't a "practicing" heterosexual, I found my lack of a sex drive.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby GaiaShirley » Sat Sep 26, 2009 10:28 am

I was exposed to AVEN in a pretty young age [16] - but even up to then I still had some thoughts in my mind about sexuality.
I used to think I was bisexual. It makes sense to me now, knowing I'm bi-romantic - I just assumed the romantic feelings I was having would one day turn into sexual ones as well. I guess you could say I kind of saw myself as a demisexual who can fall in love with both genders - I believed that once I fall in love and once I start engaging in sexual activities, I'll suddenly start feeling what everyone is talking about. Even though I didn't believe that was what they were going through: my friends never talked about their sexuality or being attracted to anyone, so I assumed everyone was feeling the same way as I was.
So I identified as bi-sexual, based on my romantic feelings.
But I never thought it so through as to have an image of myself sleeping with someone, for example. It always seemed so far away from me and my life. I think I assumed it would just happen some day.

By the way, I was exposed to the fact people actually do desire sex and think about it a lot only the past year or so, having forced to bond with different kind of people than what I used to. I still find it weird, that they do that.

And as far as crushes: I have tons of little non-developing crushes, all the time. I used to have them even before identifying as asexual, of course, though I didn't call them "crushes" before introduced to AVEN. My old definition of a "crush" was someone you were sexually attracted to. Having never being sexually attracted to anyone, I never understood what I was going through. The funny thing is that I did recognize when I was seriously falling in love with someone - something that's happened twice pre-AVEN. But I assumed that my will to sleep with those people is probably depended on having some physical contact with them to begin-with, which is why it was non existing...

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Shockwave
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Shockwave » Sat Oct 10, 2009 9:14 am

Growing up I was a very romantic and sex-positive person, which is probably part of the reason I didn't start questioning my sexual orientation until after I got my first gray hair (even though I remained a virgin well into my 30s).

I'm not quite as sex-positive now that I've had some experience with it but my feelings on the subject aren't negative either.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby yam » Sat Oct 31, 2009 3:56 pm

I learned about sex at about 8 or 9 from my parents (both of whom worked in medicine) in a very detailed but not weird way. I told them after they had explained it that I did not need to know about it because I would never have sex. My parents laughed and told that story a lot after that. I realized more seriously when I was a freshman or sophomore in college (I forget which year) when I attended an Ally meeting for my Race, Class, Gender, and Sexuality course. My best friend (who I dated in college) was president of the gay-straight alliance (though it was more broad than that) was introducing the speaker. I thought he was just a person who cared about equality. Three of my other friends were at this same event. The speaker asked us to get into groups of fours to do an activity. I assumed that I'd join my friends but they quickly formed a group that excluded me. The leader asked us to think about how we had known about our sexuality. I remember having to lie to the group of strangers I joined because I hadn't had any thoughts related to my sexuality other than telling my parents when I was 8 that I didn't want sex. My friends who formed their own group all came out as gay or bisexual during this activity. For the record I kind of always thought I'd end up dating someone and have sex after hearing people talking about it b/c I thought I'd eventual feel these feelings that others had but I graduated from college and never did. I have dated in hopes of finding my sexual being but I never have. My roommate after college told me what my lack of desire for sex was called and that's when I had a name for it. That was back in 2003. I promptly google'd it (or perhaps dogpiled it b/c that was my search engine of choice) and joined AVEN in Feb 2003 and later rejoined in July 2003.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby RDrac » Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:13 am

I decided I'd just claim I was waiting until marriage and then never get married. It seemed like a good plan to me. I dated people because I thought Iw as supposed to- one of the guys I really liked, but we were 12 so it barely got to kissing- but that was it.

I always thought that people only had sex to have kids, and that they waited until marriage for that. I think I ended up with some fairly conservative views on sex just because it didn't make sense to me otherwise.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Sister_Sojourn » Fri Nov 20, 2009 6:06 am

I assumed I was heterosexual. Then I thought I was bisexual. Then I thought I was a lesbian. Then I realized, I just wasn't interested in sex at all. I really enjoy the beauty of people, but that really didn't equate to wanting to have sex with them. It may have equaled wanting to be near them or to kiss them. But what I felt for them was not sexual attraction even though I thought it was. I wish someone had have been more clear about what sexual attraction felt like when I was younger. Because when I did feel a sexual feeling, what I was feeling was not something that was directed at the individual person. It was an overall overwhelming feeling of pleasure. I think when I would have sex with my mates (any of them), they would think I would be thinking of them, but I really would be thinking of groups of women or men that were faceless. Wow, I hope this makes sense. They might be part of the group, but who knows. It wasn't really about us together, but about the collective. My sexual feelings have never really been direct. But my attraction to men and women have been direct, and not sexual, even though for a long time I thought this feeling was actually sexual attraction.

Okay, I'll stop now. heheh
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Heligan
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Heligan » Sat Jan 16, 2010 2:01 am

I was demisexual prior to becoming asexual; my views on sex were fairly liberal, I saw nothing wrong with sex without some kind of emotional connection, it just wasnt something I had ever experienced myself.

Though myself, I never really understood flirting that wasnt just general banter and then just down to eye contact for the implication of further interest, and I suppose that builds a more general connection that innuendo style flirting....whch gets to the 'point' much quicker.

Losing sexual attraction was quite confusing, and sometimes even now (over a decade since it dissapeared into the ether) I still expect it to resurface when I feel the necessary level of emotional connection (safe and relaxed), with a man I dont find aesthetically gross (and who is the required height LOL)... sometimes that makes me feel broken... but it happens very rarely... luckily Im demiromantic too, so I dont torment myself with romantic dreams hgenerally (its just the odd person specific dream thats the issue- and thats very rare for me).

Recently been talking to a therapist who suggested that trying to reduce the impact of schematic association that might be blocking demisexuality (and hence rendering me asexual) , but Im not finding it that helpful. The theory is that trauma (death of a boyfriend) has set up an association that stops me feeling 'safe and relaxed' because as soon as I start to, I immediately associate that feeling with death- and then stop feeling both safe and relaxed.
The idea was to dwell on the feeling of falling in love and want that feeling again, but being demiromantic... all Im wanting is the dead guy... so spectacularly unsucessful LOL. Guess being demiromantic might not be that lucky if you want to manipulate your subconscious.
Nevermind, Im not that convinced that pair-bonding really makes people happy anyway... so I dont really care about being single. But (and its a big but) I am fairly convinced that it is very hard to have male friends after a certain age, with the Significant other jealously factor... I miss male friends. I guess that just like wanting kids, its something I have to let-go off if I cant make it happen. That is probably where my efforts to manipulate my subconcious should be directed- at accepting the way things are....emotionally as well as rationally.
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KAGU143
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby KAGU143 » Sat Jan 16, 2010 9:46 am

That is an interesting theory from your therapist, Heligan. It fits surprisingly well with some of the things that happened to me a long time ago, although I don't know that any kind of therapy could persuade me to WANT to change ... so I am happily asexual. It is interesting to consider, though.
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Vittoria » Sun Jan 17, 2010 11:38 am

I was romantically attracted to women forever--I never thought I was straight. I liked the idea of sex, but once I kissed someone and realized kissing was just... grody, I started to think about the actual physical interaction of sex and I realised I wasn't interested in that side of things. I still wanted to be with a woman, though and figured I'd find one like me.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby disjointed » Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:05 pm

I knew from the age of 13 and having a go...i could not understand what the fuss was about sex...it was just...is that it?

then as my old fart status continued to approach.. I got married had a child and was married from 21 to 35..my ex wife..who is now one of my best friends..knew I thought sex was a prelude to raiding the fridge so never really troubled me but we did seem to reach a midway point that worked for us both

i do not remember ever knowing about asexuality until I was about 44/45 when after another relationship failed i typed in..men who do not like sex..then kaboommm..after that everything made sense...the end

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby hanya2 » Mon Feb 08, 2010 6:56 pm

As davidson mentions at a certain site, It's certainly possible to lose desire for sex in a long-term relationship, but losing desire is not the same as being asexual. somtimes the reason may be medical or hormonal...I myself don't understand, I'm still young at the age of 22...Haven't married yet, although had experience with my prev boyfriends, i began to lose interest on sex which i really do not understand.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby AkiraLS » Sat Mar 06, 2010 9:06 pm

Hmm I would say I was indifferent I knew of it but cared little about it, it was just something that was there, but I found I was Asexual around 14 so I guess I never really got to the age where it became a big issue, I more so went from a kids 'la la la' to a 'NA NA NA NA' can't touch this, so I don't really think I had much of a view on it, it was just something else out there I doubted I would experience for many years to come, and now something I hope will never come.
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Charis » Sun Jun 13, 2010 8:00 pm

I guess the term straight worked at the time. Though I didn't really have the guts to make a move to turn a crush into a relationship. Mind you I also was so alone in middle school I would get imprinting crushes on guys who were nice to me. I just focus on making friends now.

Now the term straight doesn't make much sense despite the fact that I believe I'm attracted to men, I feel that I have yet to really be attracted to anyone. Unfortunately what you think and how you're programed don't often collide. So even if I'm okay with the idea of being with a woman, my biological programming might decide that only men will do it for me.

*Sigh* The more I think the more confused I get. It's even harder to sort out when you're not engaging in any sexual or romantic relations because there's nobody you're interested in around you.

Ah the lovely gray holes of sexuality that open up in sneak attacks and swallow you when you aren't looking.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Mage » Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:58 pm

I was super confused before realizing my orientation. I felt like I had to prove to myself that I was a sexual person, in part because I thought sex jokes were hilarious. I identified as bisexual from puberty until I was 20, and then I identified as a lesbian because I understood that I almost never had romantic feelings for cis-men. Even though I had sex with multiple partners I was totally confused about why I just didn't feel sexual about the people I had aesthetic or other kinds of attractions for.

Come to think of it, I thought aesthetic attraction WAS sexual attraction. I'm hyperaesthetical, if I can make that a word. There are loads of people of all genders who I crave to be around because they are beautiful to look at. Maybe there already is a real word for me: shallow :roll:

I had heard of asexuality when I was 17 and I spent a lot of time thinking about it and just trying to find ways to dismiss it, but ultimately identifying with this orientation has helped me to more fully understand the kinds of attractions I have.
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby GoAllyGoGo » Fri Aug 27, 2010 10:25 am

I knew I had no interest, but I had always assumed one day it would pop up. However, asexuality wasn't a possibility I knew of then (which I think it was a good thing I didn't know about it) so I thought maybe I just had superior skills in holding back on sexual urges even though I had none. It made me very judging of others. I always thought "Well, if I don't need sex and if I can abstain, why can't you?" I didn't often express that, but it's how I felt. And then I found out about asexuality and it made sense and I've since become a much more accepting person when it comes to sex. I don't understand it, so I shouldn't judge now.

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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby KAGU143 » Fri Aug 27, 2010 12:53 pm

I don't think I ever seriously considered sex until I was approaching puberty and we had "the film" at school. In an abstract fashion, I knew what it was and what it was for prior to that, but I hadn't really considered it in relation to myself. Our family was casually Christian, insofar as we went to church occasionally, but it wasn't an every week kind of thing. I knew the basics, and I figured that sex was something that married people had to do when they wanted to have children. Full stop. I couldn't imagine doing it for any other reason. (Also, I thought you only had to do it once for each child ... sort of true, technically, but pretty laughable now that I think about it.)
Later, I learned that boys (teens, since those were my peers) really wanted to have sex a LOT because they had a drive to do it. I could accept that since I had seen it in animals, but it made me vaguely uneasy, especially since I preferred the company of men to women. I didn't know what to do or who to hang out with, so I spent a lot of time in the woods. (We lived across the street from a huge undeveloped area of forest which was later made into a state park.) It was a few years later before I fully grasped the idea that girls were supposed to have that same sex drive, and it was only then that I realized how very different I really was from all of my friends. I first adopted the word "asexual" at that time, at around age 17.
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby fridayoak » Fri Aug 27, 2010 1:25 pm

A lot of my (male) friends were talking about having sex when I was 12 or 13, and I just found it bizarre that they were so interested. A few would talk about it non-stop and arrange it for others, it was weird.
I guess I thought about sex out of intellectual intrigue back then quite a bit but by the time I got to 14/15 it just left my head completley.

Then when I met other smart people at college I figured there would probably be some other people like me who weren't interested in sex cos I still thought of myself as straight but just "not interested in sex" or whatever. But even though I met some people who didn't bang on about sex, it was clear when pushed that they were sexual people and they didn't understand my viewpoint (which I guess at the time I considered philosphical rather than an orientation cos I didn't know much about asexuality). So maybe I was a bit lost and stranded in a sexual world and the best was to deal with it was to tell myself I was superior in some way but I don't know if I really believed that cos sometimes it would just depress me. I ended up having sex to try and see if there was any hope of me "becoming sexual" but I don't think I believed I would, and after having sex it just made me even more resolute but without some of the fears/issues associated with actually having sex.

So yeah it definitely helps knowing that there's other asexual people, it takes the weight off and maybe a lot of the bitterness/confusion goes away.

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Typical P. Pinecone
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Typical P. Pinecone » Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:51 pm

Before I knew about asexuality, I was a nervous wreck. Partially because of the environment I was in, and partially because I am a very moved by romance. At least, MY definition of romance, which didn't include sex. I realized I was different very quickly, and eventually found a label for it. I felt like I was the only sane one in the world at first. I remember a girl asking me how many times we would have sex weekly, I just about died. I thought sex was ONLY for procreation. 8|
Flying what now? Sorry you've got the wrong person.

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debiguity
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Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby debiguity » Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:00 pm

I assumed I was straight, assumed someday I'd be attracted to someone the way others seemed to be. This was reinforced by the fact that I'm aesthetically attracted to men, and I suppose I assumed I was feeling a mild version of what other people felt. I don't think it registered with me just how different I was for a long time. Sometimes I'd be uncomfortable when I'd count up the number of years I'd be single between brief relationships, because it highlighted for me something that seemed "wrong" (in a broken sense) based on societal standards/expectations. But at the same time it seemed natural for me. It was just one of many many things that made me different from the majority, so I suppose I was comfortable being my own weird self, and didn't think too much of it.

I remember a good friend mentioning a friend of hers who identified as asexual. This was quite a while ago, and I can't remember, but she might have mentioned it because I was talking about not being attracted to anyone. Or maybe it was random. I remember thinking "oh, he's like me" and feeling surprised, but somehow it didn't occur to me that asexual was an orientation, something that many more people shared. So when I learned more about it, just a few months ago really, it was not really a stretch to realize that it described me, but at the same time I was sort of upset/disappointed, because I guess I was still waiting to feel attracted to someone! And I'm 35, so you'd think I'd have thought more about this. I guess I have always been pretty happy single, so there was little motivation to change or worry about the fact that I lacked the sexual attraction that seems to motivate people to join up with others.

Of course there's a lot that makes sense now. Finally! lol.

Someone mentioned that the soaps seemed over-dramatized, and I am pretty sure I assumed that attraction/chemistry was more hype than anything. But sometimes it was clear that I might be missing something - I remember being perplexed (though again thinking that it was in the "someday maybe" category) when friends would describe people they'd had intense attraction to, and claimed that it was a real feeling of "sparks" when they'd touch the other person.

Sparks, as in electrical current between them. That still seems so weird to me.