Pre-asexuality views on sex?

For discussion of issues pertaining to sexuality. Warning: Topics within this forum may contain frank discussion of a sexual nature.
User avatar
Regular Member
Posts: 179
Joined: Wed Jan 23, 2008 9:40 pm

Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Fri Oct 15, 2010 7:12 am

@Mage: Ha! I love it! Hyperaesthetic, it does sound better than "shallow" I have the same predilection. I often prefixed it as "superficially shallow" because observing the beauty is both the ends and the means. I remember in high school I had a crush on a girl only because she had the most unique voice, it was completely monotone, and exposer never reached that level of "so same that its annoying" and it utterly fascinated me.
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

User avatar
New Member
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:02 pm

Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby amyb » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:01 am

I was a bit of a tomboy all my life and guys thought of me as "one of the guys," but considered myself heterosexual, I assumed I'd eventually get older, marry a man, have kids, etc. Still, some people thought I was a lesbian. I thought it over, and decided I was definitely not attracted to women. I was and am quite aromantic, but I thought maybe one day I'd "fall in love" anyway one the right guy came along. I didn't. I dated in high school, had sexual relationships, but never felt the same way that others seemed to about relationships. I always thought it would "just happen" someday, and then I'd be in a romantic, sexual relationship like everyone else seemed to be. It took a long time to realize that wasn't even what I wanted to happen. I was seeking relationships as a teenager because I thought that was what everyone was supposed to do and because my friends wanted to "hook me up" with guys they knew. I also thought I was overly critical of guys, and that's why I couldn't feel attracted to anyone in particular. There were guys I liked a lot as people, but I still didn't like thinking of me and them in a relationship together. I just didnt really like anyone in that way.

I didn't hate having sex, but I could take it or leave it. I found it mildly pleasurable at times but I hated everything involved, having to be in relationships, being "romantic" and so on, and the little enjoyment I got from it was not worth it at all. I could not fathom why other people spent so much time and energy on these things.

I haven't even held hands with a guy in over ten years now, and I'm cool with that. I don't want to. I spent many years worrying what was wrong with me, though, and feeling the social pressure to conform the "normal" idea of being in romantic/sexual relationships.

Our Ga Apparel
New Member
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:38 am

Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Our Ga Apparel » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:30 am

I have had sex with both members of my sex and the opposite over the last few years, but i was never interested or aroused sexually (except a few times), I just liked the intimacy we shared. About a year ago I finally decided to say something and when I was kissing with my partner I said "I just dont like this.". We had a nice discussion and Jamie told me that I was probably an asexual. I'm just starting to come to terms with my sexual orientation now.

User avatar
New Member
Posts: 25
Joined: Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:23 am

Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby paranoidgynandroid » Sun Nov 21, 2010 1:00 pm

[This post has now been archived, please PM me if you missed it]

New Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Apr 28, 2009 7:10 am

Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Cazz333 » Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:07 am

Before I knew asexuality existed, I thought I was a cold, dead and alien thing that happened to want men in a completely non- human, sexual way. I did think for a while that I was a straight girl but a tomboyish one because I never have the need to dress in pretty dresses or style my hair and face much. I also thought I didn't like the idea of sex or sex itself because I'd never had it so didn't know anything about it. So I feared sex as a result of not having it in a loving context. Then I met a few guys I got to know for a while and never thought to want it although I did envishion sleeping next to them somewhere... Then I thought I was bi because I get the odd pleasure from looking at the way women dress and how they behaved.

Still I didn't fancy them in a sexual way more like an admiring way. Usually they were tough, educated, and kind women that I got the odd spark of interest... So I then thought I had repressed my sexuality somehow although I've suffered no real truamtic circumstances unless a mostly absent father that only like mother thin and youngish looking.

When I found AVEN by accident because I was at the time thinking I must be a man because being a woman was getting too unbearable and because I was too disturbed that I didn't fell sexual attraction for anyone. So I though if I was a man, I would feel some sort of sexual attraction since in my dreams, I more often in a man's body than a woman's.

Strangely enough the opposite happened, I started being comfortable in a woman's body and took the time to find clothes that didn't overall disguise my womanly aspects and sex itself seemed less of a dark prospect and one which I could engage in if it comes to it with someone else. I started exploring my body, feeling my legs and everything else including my private parts and discovered the reason I didn't feel attracted sexually to anyone is because I don't view myself as a sexual being with sexual needs and desires even within just the context of a loving relationship.

When I knew that, I realised all the problems of being a woman were not because I hated womanhood and wanted manhood, but because people were putting so much pressure on me to be more sexy, less big, fat and muscular, and more in tune with looking good for oneself but I can safely say it's not in me. I don't get sexiness because I don't get sex for myself even as much as for others. I see sex as another physical and intimate activity that I could share with my future boyfriend but at the same time, if he never wanted it I wouldn't mind. I can live with it both ways because I have learned how to make sex physically comfortable for me even if I don't actually desire it.

Now I can appreciate how I feel about men and women equally without restraint becuase I know what or rather a part of who I am a hetero-bi asexual who's not afraid of people with non- binary genders or transsexuals or people who are intersex. I still have mostly a male gender but I would change my woman's body at all save to be stronger physically and healthier.

User avatar
New Member
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:21 am

Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby Danielle » Mon Jan 24, 2011 1:55 pm

I always knew I was different, but not in the sense of being lesbian or bisexual. Just an outsider. I always knew I would never marry and never have kids. And if I would have kids, it would have been adopted ones. There is this vague sort of romantic attraction towards men, but I guess I'm demi-romantic, which basically means I'm aromantic. Dating never occured to me. I was always just looking for friends and for the rest I was just happy on my own. Of course men just don't knock at your door. But I always thought well I will just know when the right one comes along. And when it came to sex, well what you don't know, you can't miss. There were the occasional mastrubations (a few times a year) but it never occured to me this is also a sex act. I have always considered myself straight. Growing up in a world were you are suppose to be straight, one is straight. And like mentioned above I knew I wasn't lesbian or bi.

It's only a few years ago (I was 40 then), that I came to read about asexuality and things just fell into place. About that time I read an article in a Belgian magazine on asexuality, but I couldn't relate nor identify with the asexuals who told their story. I was however always drawn back to AVEN, reading and reading again. And bit by bit I came to realize also by analysing my life, the love I once felt for a man (who was not only my best friend but also my brother) that I'm indeed asexual. And that I have always been asexual. I guess if I would have been very extraverted I probably would have realized sooner. I guess my introversion has somehow protected me :P

I'm pretty sure though that some members of my family and people who know me from the past think I'm a repressed gay. I don't care though what people think of me. I know what I am and the people who matter know and that's enough. I wish I could tell my dad though. My guess however is that my dad is asexual too.
Always be who you are, and say what you feel, because people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind.


Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby ASIC » Sat Mar 05, 2011 4:14 pm

I always assumed I was just very conservative -- I didn't believe in sex outside marriage, I was unmarried, ergo I wasn't sexually interested in anyone. According to the romantic novels we had in the house, when you Fell in Love, all that kissing stuff and so on suddenly made sense instead of generating the typical pre-adolescent 'yuck' response...

Well I did fall in love and it did make sense. I knew homosexuals existed (although I couldn't understand how anyone could behave like that) but I don't think it had ever even occurred to me to wonder if I was one; and I now knew quite definitely that I had the same urges as anyone else, I was just a late developer.

However, after that I didn't fall in love with anyone else, and didn't experience sexual urges towards anyone else. According to the romantic novels of that period, this was quite usual as well: in fact I did my best to fall into a decline, but succeeded only in getting diagnosed with serious depression.

It certainly didn't occur to me that there might be anything 'wrong' with my level of sexual interest, as it was high enough (and frustrated enough) to for me to feel embarrassed about it: it just wasn't focussed on potential new mates.

Meanwhile the world was full of 'sex therapists' and agony aunts banging on about how everyone was entitled to a fulfilling sexual relationship, which just seemed like self-indulgent rubbish: and people wittering on about how sailing ships must have teemed with rampant homosexuality, because everyone knew that it was simply impossible for adult males to do without sex for the sort of time periods that it took to cross the oceans in those days... It was demonstrably possible to do without sex for years at a time if given adequate motivation, because I'd been doing it: so why on earth would anyone claim that it was difficult?

New Member
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2011 4:21 pm

Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby jonniez » Tue Jun 07, 2011 5:32 pm

When I was really young, I was into guys, but assumed I was heterosexual, just because that was what I was "supposed" to be.

Then, when I finally realized I liked guys, I assumed was gay and just kind of left it at that. I didn't realize that the fact that I never actually thought or fantasized about sex might be different (I only ever thought of relationships with guys); I didn't even notice it, since it was how I had always been. When I thought about other (straight) guys I knew personally, how they talked and acted in terms of sexuality, and how they were portrayed on TV, I just that everyone else were sluts and I was the normal one and became a sort of a prude. Then I finally noticed my disinterest in the act of sex, and after a bit of research, I realized that I was simply asexual. And now I don't consider those certain guys I know to be sluts (I realize now that that was really judgemental, but I'm just kind of like that when it comes to sexuality), just hypersexual.

I'm still unhappy with the importance placed on sex in society, though (I live in the US).

New Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2012 5:18 pm

Re: Pre-asexuality views on sex?

Postby manchovie » Sun Sep 30, 2012 6:45 pm

My first experience with what sexuality is all about wasn't very pleasant. As a fifth grader who had moved quite a bit, I didn't realize that "going with" someone had anything to do with sexuality, so some kids tricked me into saying something that made it sound like I was gay. I didn't really act the same way most boys do, either, so a long period of bullying and harassment soon followed. Because of this rough period of my life, I spent a lot of time and mental energy to prove, at least to myself, that I was indeed NOT gay. Any trouble I had trying to go out with a girl I often attributed to my being shy, and I was content to sleep alongside a girl I was interested in without having sex. When I met my wife, the novelty of sex was enough to keep me interested, at least until we had children. As the novelty wore off, it seemed we just couldn't get in sync with each other and she would become extremely frustrated, making the experience more and more uncomfortable for me. As we began to separate, several people asked me why I wasn't bothered by the lack of sex. This was about the time I was taking a sociology class and came across the term asexuality. It would take several years of working through how I thought about sex, sexuality, and what I had been through before I decided that asexuality was indeed how I would feel comfortable identifying myself.