Lust

For discussion of issues pertaining to sexuality. Warning: Topics within this forum may contain frank discussion of a sexual nature.
User avatar
Sister_Sojourn
New Member
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:16 pm

Lust

Postby Sister_Sojourn » Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:40 pm

My ex told me that he lusted after me and that's why he wanted to have sex with me and that's how he could show me what real love was or meant or some such thing. He asked me if I lusted after him. I thought about it and I thought back to when we first got together. Then I thought about all of my other relationships I've been in and I can't recall there ever being a feeling of lust. I know there was a feeling of, 'well, now there is an attractive looking person'. Or 'I'd have sex with that person'. But the only times I've ever really been emotional about sex is when I've been drinking. If drinking isn't involved, I'm much more practical. I take into consideration time, my energy levels, whether I'm hungry, will I have to shower first, will he have to shower first, will my son be home soon, etc... Then if all of those factors are okay, lust still doesn't play a part, it's more like, 'let's get this done already so we can get back to what we were doing'.

So, my question is, do any of you (asexual or sexual) experience a feeling of lust? What is lust to you? How does lust feel? Is it mental or is it bodily or both?
~Sister Sojourn~

User avatar
Dargon
Mega Member
Posts: 516
Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2008 7:34 pm

Re: Lust

Postby Dargon » Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:57 pm

Some may equate "lust" with "sexual attraction," and if that is the case, it is probably rather safe to say that by definition, asexuals don't experience "lust." While I don't believe those two things to be identical, I do believe them to be very closely related.

For myself, I am not certain I have experienced "lust." Sexual excitement, yes, but it tends to not be directed, and as such I am not sure it counts as "lust." That being said, the sexual excitement itself is a combination of mental and physical, and unless both want to cooperate, nothing really happens.

User avatar
Olivier
Regular Member
Posts: 139
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:19 am

Re: Lust

Postby Olivier » Mon Nov 16, 2009 10:32 pm

For me, lust is the pointy end of sexual attraction, from about the point where general feelings of appreciation of some pleasantly sexual sight, thought, or situation give way to concrete thoughts of where that could head sexually (whether or not there's any desire to actually act on that).

Emotional attachment is a huge amplifier for me. With my wife, I'm much more likely to feel strong feelings of lustful yearning, and she's the only one who can produce the desire to act on those thoughts.

User avatar
Sister_Sojourn
New Member
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:16 pm

Re: Lust

Postby Sister_Sojourn » Tue Nov 17, 2009 5:39 am

So, I know I'm not a broken being, so I guess my next question is, should I be feeling lust for others? I sometimes get a feeling in my chest if I see a seriously attractive man or woman, but I am usually playfully amplifying my feelings, either because I'm with a group of people who are doing the same or because I'm drinking. Is this wrong or odd?
~Sister Sojourn~

User avatar
ily
Regular Member
Posts: 248
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:55 pm

Re: Lust

Postby ily » Tue Nov 17, 2009 2:16 pm

Sister_Sojourn wrote:So, I know I'm not a broken being, so I guess my next question is, should I be feeling lust for others? I sometimes get a feeling in my chest if I see a seriously attractive man or woman, but I am usually playfully amplifying my feelings, either because I'm with a group of people who are doing the same or because I'm drinking. Is this wrong or odd?


Should you be feeling lust? If you're asexual, it would be completely normal for you not to. I also think it's very common for asexuals to "amplify" their feelings, as you say. I've definitely made efforts to have crushes on people. Looking back, it sounds odd, but people, asexual or not, will go to great lengths to fit in.

Also-- kudos for making a new thread. We need some! ;)

User avatar
Dargon
Mega Member
Posts: 516
Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2008 7:34 pm

Re: Lust

Postby Dargon » Tue Nov 17, 2009 5:03 pm

ily pretty much covered everything in that question. I'd just like to reiterate that if lust is tied to sexual attraction, and asexuals don't experience sexual attraction, it is only logical that lust would be absent as well.

As for the amplification of feelings, to some, it seems to be the norm, though in two different ways. As ily described, some may attempt to force themselves to have a crush or feel lustful, since "normal" people get those. However, the other thing I have seen is the scaling up of feelings and actions. If sex is the top rung expression of affection for sexuals, but asexuals would rather not have sex, people often like to equivocate kissing and even hugging with sex. Personally, I find that bothersome, simply because I don't have sex doesn't mean a kiss from me is equivocal to sex.

Is it wrong? I can see arguments for both sides, and really can't say either way. However, I don't see it as necessary. The motives for doing so are quite often to fit in or be more "normal," however if you are comfortable with who you are, there is no need to try to amplify your emotions into being someone you are not.

User avatar
Sister_Sojourn
New Member
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:16 pm

Re: Lust

Postby Sister_Sojourn » Wed Nov 18, 2009 6:59 am

Dargon wrote:If sex is the top rung expression of affection for sexuals, but asexuals would rather not have sex, people often like to equivocate kissing and even hugging with sex. Personally, I find that bothersome, simply because I don't have sex doesn't mean a kiss from me is equivocal to sex.

Someone just tried to tell me this is what it means to me. That cuddling and kissing is like sex to me. I didn't say it wasn't, I sort of agreed with them, but later on realized it wasn't like that at all. I don't need sex. It's unimportant to me. I don't need a replacement for it. It's just that their minds can't accept the fact that a person might not be interested in or want to live a life without sex. So they have to equate it with something. I'm not sure if that's what you're getting at, but that's what came to my mind when I read the part that a quoted from you Dargon.
ily wrote:Should you be feeling lust? If you're asexual, it would be completely normal for you not to. I also think it's very common for asexuals to "amplify" their feelings, as you say. I've definitely made efforts to have crushes on people. Looking back, it sounds odd, but people, asexual or not, will go to great lengths to fit in.

It's nice to know that there are others who have "amplified" their feelings intentionally, for whatever reasons. I guess, sometimes I feel as though I'm the only one. Sometimes they feel so real, but then I know they aren't once I am having sex. It has been very discouraging in the past to have to finish having sex with someone knowing that I'm not really into it. :(
ily wrote:Also-- kudos for making a new thread. We need some! ;)

No problem at all.
~Sister Sojourn~

Isaac
Established Member
Posts: 52
Joined: Sun Jan 18, 2009 7:44 am

Re: Lust

Postby Isaac » Wed Nov 18, 2009 8:11 am

I also "amplified" my feeling trying to convince myself that I had crushes when I had squishes. And, being as aromantic as I am, the amplification had to be huge.

User avatar
Dargon
Mega Member
Posts: 516
Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2008 7:34 pm

Re: Lust

Postby Dargon » Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:44 am

Sister_Sojourn wrote:
Dargon wrote:If sex is the top rung expression of affection for sexuals, but asexuals would rather not have sex, people often like to equivocate kissing and even hugging with sex. Personally, I find that bothersome, simply because I don't have sex doesn't mean a kiss from me is equivocal to sex.

Someone just tried to tell me this is what it means to me. That cuddling and kissing is like sex to me. I didn't say it wasn't, I sort of agreed with them, but later on realized it wasn't like that at all. I don't need sex. It's unimportant to me. I don't need a replacement for it. It's just that their minds can't accept the fact that a person might not be interested in or want to live a life without sex. So they have to equate it with something. I'm not sure if that's what you're getting at, but that's what came to my mind when I read the part that a quoted from you Dargon.


Sounds like exactly what I was getting at. I think we are indeed on the same page on that issue.

User avatar
Sister_Sojourn
New Member
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:16 pm

Re: Lust

Postby Sister_Sojourn » Fri Nov 20, 2009 5:43 am

Dargon wrote:Sounds like exactly what I was getting at. I think we are indeed on the same page on that issue.

Cool, I didn't want to put words into your mouth.

Isaac wrote:I also "amplified" my feeling trying to convince myself that I had crushes when I had squishes. And, being as aromantic as I am, the amplification had to be huge.

I've seen the word used at AVEN before, but now that I see it in the above sentence used beside the word crush, I really don't know what it means. What are squishes exactly?
~Sister Sojourn~

User avatar
ghosts
Regular Member
Posts: 188
Joined: Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:59 am

Re: Lust

Postby ghosts » Fri Nov 20, 2009 7:41 am

As far as I know, I haven't experienced lust. I just imagine that it's really intense sexual attraction/urges.

Here's a thread on squishes: http://apositive.org/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=320

User avatar
Sister_Sojourn
New Member
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:16 pm

Re: Lust

Postby Sister_Sojourn » Fri Nov 20, 2009 8:19 am

Wow, I'll have to read that a couple of times ghosts. I think I might be even more confused. For now, I'll just use the words that I know. lol Thanks for the link though.
~Sister Sojourn~

Cazz333
New Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Apr 28, 2009 7:10 am

Re: Lust

Postby Cazz333 » Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:15 am

I can't feel either lust or jealousy. Totally incapable. I may want something someone else had but then I don't hate them for it. I can't feel sexual attraction but I don't lust after someone non-sexually either. I keep the other person in mind if I like them not just my own wishes.