Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

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Olivier
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Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Olivier » Fri Feb 15, 2008 3:36 pm

Last year, some researchers at the University of Texas did some research into why people have sex [pdf] and came up with a list of 237 reasons from an initial survey, which they then asked people to rate as to which applied to best to them.

The top reason for both sexes was "I was attracted to the person", which should come as no surprise. But there were 236 other reasons, too, and even for sexuals not all of these have to do with orientation. There have been many discussions here and on AVEN of reasons why asexuals choose to have sex, and pretty much every one of those reasons shows up in the list.

Anyway the list is an interesting read, even if it isn't well constructed (many reasons are duplicated, some even word for word!) and even though they got past 200, there are plenty more not on the list. Here it is in full, in no particular order:

1. I was ‘‘in the heat of the moment.’’
2. It just happened.
3. I was bored.
4. It just seemed like ‘‘the thing to do.’’
5. Someone dared me.
6. I desired emotional closeness “(i.e.,” intimacy).
7. I wanted to feel closer to God.
8. I wanted to gain acceptance from my friends.
9. It’s “exciting,” adventurous.
10. I wanted to make up after a fight.
11. I wanted to get rid of aggression.
12. I was under the influence of drugs.
13. I wanted to have something to tell my friends.
14. I wanted to express my love for the person.
15. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
16. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
17. I felt like I owed it to the person.
18. I was attracted to the person.
19. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
20. My friends were having sex and I wanted to fit in.
21. It feels good.
22. My partner kept insisting.
23. The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with him/her.
24. I was physically forced to.
25. I was verbally coerced into it.
26. I wanted the person to love me.
27. I wanted to have a child.
28. I wanted to make someone else jealous.
29. I wanted to have more sex than my friends.
30. I was married and you’re supposed to.
31. I was tired of being a virgin.
32. I was ‘‘horny.’’
33. I wanted to feel loved.
34. I was feeling lonely.
35. Everyone else was having sex.
36. I wanted the attention.
37. It was easier to ‘‘go all the way’’ than to stop.
38. I wanted to ensure the relationship was ‘‘committed.’’
39. I was competing with someone else to ‘‘get the person.’’
40. I wanted to ‘‘gain control’’ of the person.
41. I was curious about what the person was like in bed.
42. I was curious about sex.
43. I wanted to feel attractive.
44. I wanted to please my partner.
45. I wanted to display submission.
46. I wanted to release anxiety/stress.
47. I didn’t know how to say ‘‘no.’’
48. I felt like it was my duty.
49. I wanted to end the relationship.
50 My friends pressured me into it.
51. I wanted the adventure/excitement.
52. I wanted the experience.
53. I felt obligated to.
54. It’s fun.
55. I wanted to get even with someone “(i.e.,” get revenge).
56. I wanted to be popular.
57. It would get me gifts.
58. I wanted to act out a fantasy.
59. I hadn’t had sex for a while.
60. The person was ‘‘available.’’
61. I didn’t want to ‘‘lose’’ the person.
62. I thought it would help ‘‘trap’’ a new partner.
63. I wanted to make someone else jealous.
64. I felt sorry for the person.
65. I wanted to feel powerful.
66. I wanted to ‘‘possess’’ the person.
67. I wanted to release tension.
68. I wanted to feel good about myself.
69. I was slumming.
70. I felt rebellious.
71. I wanted to intensify my relationship.
72. It seemed like the natural next step.
73. I wanted to be nice.
74. I wanted to feel connected to the person.
75. I wanted to feel young.
76. I wanted to manipulate him/her into doing something for me.
77. I wanted him/her to stop bugging me about sex.
78. I wanted to hurt/humiliate the person.
79. I wanted the person to feel good about themselves.
80. I didn’t want to disappoint the person.
81. I was trying to ‘‘get over’’ an earlier person/relationship.
82. I wanted to reaffirm my sexual orientation.
83. I wanted to try out new sexual techniques or positions.
84. I felt guilty.
85. My hormones were out of control.
86. It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.
87. It became a habit.
88. I wanted to keep my partner happy.
89. I had no self-control.
90. I wanted to communicate at a deeper level.
91. I was afraid my partner would have an affair if I didn’t have sex with him/her.
92. I was curious about my sexual abilities.
93. I wanted a ‘‘spiritual’’ experience.
94. It was just part of the relationship ‘‘routine’’.
95. I wanted to lose my inhibitions.
96. I got ‘‘carried away.’’
97. I needed another ‘‘notch on my belt.’’
98. The person demanded that I have sex with him/her.
99. The opportunity presented itself.
100. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned “(e.g.,” on marijuana or some other drug).
101. It’s considered ‘‘taboo’’ by society.
102. I wanted to increase the number of sex partners I had experienced.
103. The person was too ‘‘hot’’ (sexy) to resist.
104. I thought it would relax me.
105. I thought it would make me feel healthy.
106. I wanted to experiment with new experiences.
107. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex with another person.
108. I thought it would help me to fall asleep.
109. I could brag to other people about my sexual experience.
110. It would allow me to ‘‘get sex out of my system’’ so that I could focus on other things.
111. I wanted to decrease my partner’s desire to have sex with someone else.
112. It would damage my reputation if I said ‘‘no.’’
113. The person was too physically attractive to resist.
114. I wanted to celebrate something.
115. I was seduced.
116. I wanted to make the person feel better about themselves.
117. I wanted to increase the emotional bond by having sex.
118. I wanted to see whether sex with a different partner would feel different or better.
119. I was mad at my “partner,” so I had sex with someone else.
120. I wanted to fulfill a previous promise to my partner.
121. It was expected of me.
122. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
123. I wanted the pure pleasure.
124. I wanted to dominate the other person.
125. I wanted to make a conquest.
126. I’m addicted to sex.
127. It was a favor to someone.
128. I wanted to be used or degraded.
129. Someone offered me money to do it.
130. I was drunk.
131. It seemed like good exercise.
132. I was pressured into doing it.
133. The person offered to give me drugs for doing it.
134. I was frustrated and needed relief.
135. It was a romantic setting.
136. I felt insecure.
137. My regular partner is “boring,” so I had sex with someone else.
138. I was on the ‘‘rebound’’ from another relationship.
139. I wanted to boost my self-esteem.
140. I wanted to get my partner to stay with me.
141. Because of a bet.
142. It was a special occasion.
143. I wanted to get a special favor from someone.
144. I wanted to get back at my partner for having cheated on me.
145. I wanted to enhance my reputation.
146. I wanted to keep warm.
147. I wanted to punish myself.
148. I wanted to break up a rival’s relationship by having sex with his/her partner.
149. I wanted to stop my partners’ nagging.
150. I wanted to impress friends.
151. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
152. I wanted to brag to my friends about my conquests.
153. I wanted to improve my sexual skills.
154. I wanted to get a job.
155. I wanted to get a raise.
156. I wanted to get a promotion.
157. I wanted to satisfy a compulsion.
158. I wanted to make money.
159. I wanted to keep my partner satisfied.
160. I wanted to change the topic of conversation.
161. I wanted to get out of doing something.
162. I wanted to test my compatibility with a new partner.
163. I wanted to get a partner to express love.
164. I wanted to put the passion back into my relationship.
165. I wanted to prevent a breakup.
166. I wanted to become one with another person.
167. I wanted to get a favor from someone.
168. I wanted to breakup my relationship.
169. I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease “(e.g.,” “herpes,” AIDS).
170. I wanted to breakup another’s relationship.
171. I wanted to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
172. I wanted to make myself feel better about myself.
173. I wanted to get rid of a headache.
174. I was afraid to say ‘‘no’’ due to the possibility of physical harm.
175. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
176. I wanted to burn calories.
177. I wanted to even the score with a cheating partner.
178. I wanted to hurt an enemy.
179. I wanted to feel older.
180. I wanted to raise my self-esteem.
181. It was an initiation rite to a club or organization.
182. I wanted to become more focused on work – sexual thoughts are distracting.
183. I wanted to say ‘‘I’ve missed you.’’
184. I wanted to celebrate a birthday or anniversary or special occasion.
185. I wanted to say ‘‘I’m sorry.’’
186. I wanted to return a favor.
187. I wanted to say ‘‘Thank you.’’
188. I wanted to welcome someone home.
189. I wanted to say ‘‘goodbye.’’
190. I wanted to defy my parents.
191. I wanted to relieve menstrual cramps.
192. I wanted to relieve ‘‘blue balls.’’
193. I wanted to get the most out of life.
194. I wanted to feel feminine.
195. I wanted to feel masculine.
196. I am a sex addict.
197. I wanted to see what all the fuss is about.
198. I thought it would boost my social status.
199. The person had a lot of money.
200. The person’s physical appearance turned me on.
201. The person was a good dancer.
202. Someone had told me that this person was good in bed.
203. The person had beautiful eyes.
204. The person made me feel sexy.
205. An erotic movie had turned me on.
206. The person had taken me out for an expensive dinner.
207. The person was a good kisser.
208. The person had bought me jewelry.
209. The person had a great sense of humor.
210. The person seemed self-confident.
211. The person really desired me.
212. The person was really desired by others.
213. I wanted to gain access to that person’s friend.
214. I felt jealous.
215. The person flattered me.
216. I wanted to see if I could get the other person into bed.
217. The person had a desirable body.
218. I had not had sex in a long time.
219. The person smelled nice.
220. The person had an attractive face.
221. I saw the person naked and could not resist.
222. I was turned on by the sexual conversation.
223. The person was intelligent.
224. The person caressed me.
225. The person wore revealing clothes.
226. The person had too much to drink and I was able to take advantage of them.
227. I knew the person was usually ‘‘out of my league.’’
228. The person was mysterious.
229. I realized I was in love.
230. I wanted to forget about my problems.
231. I wanted to reproduce.
232. I wanted to feel loved.
233. I wanted my partner to notice me.
234. I wanted to help my partner forget about their problems.
235. I wanted to lift my partner’s spirits.
236. I wanted to submit to my partner.
237. I wanted to make my partner feel powerful.

Others I have experienced or known of include:

* I wanted to give great sex in return for getting some from a person
* I wanted to help someone get over their fear of sex
* I wanted to experiment with a different orientation
* I wanted to show the person that sex could be better than they had previously experienced
* I wanted to have sex with a person one last time before I broke up with them
* I wanted to offer consolation to someone who was grieving.

Here are the top 20's for (mostly college age) men:

1. I was attracted to the person.
2. It feels good.
3. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
4. It’s fun.
5. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I was ‘‘horny’’.
8. I wanted to express my love for the person.
9. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
10. I wanted to please my partner.
11. The person’s physical appearance turned me on.
12. I wanted the pure pleasure.
13. I was ‘‘in the heat of the moment’’.
14. I desired emotional closeness (i.e., intimacy).
15. It’s exciting, adventurous.
16. The person had a desirable body.
17. I realized I was in love.
18. The person had an attractive face.
19. The person really desired me.
20. I wanted the adventure/excitement.

and for (mostly college age) women:

1. I was attracted to the person.
2. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
3. It feels good.
4. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
5. I wanted to express my love for the person.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I was ‘‘horny’’.
8. It’s fun.
9. I realized I was in love.
10. I was ‘‘in the heat of the moment’’.
11. I wanted to please my partner.
12. I desired emotional closeness (i.e., intimacy).
13. I wanted the pure pleasure.
14. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
15. It’s exciting, adventurous.
16. I wanted to feel connected to the person.
17. The person’s physical appearance turned me on.
18. It was a romantic setting.
19. The person really desired me.
20. The person made me feel sexy.

What would make the top 20 for asexuals, I wonder? I suspect that it would be quite different from those for sexuals (the number 1 reason would surely be different!!), but that there would be a fair amount of overlap, too. Any thoughts?

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Mr. Paradox
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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Mr. Paradox » Fri Feb 15, 2008 4:29 pm

*applause* Thank you for posting that. Wow, talk about bringing in some perspective. One can see the whole range of human experience reflected in there: love, hate, greed, adventure, hunger, reputation, guilt, rebellion, spirituality, rites of passage, empathy, sorrow, everything. It's a great reminder that sex is nothing but a physical tool that can be used towards any end. I can't think of a better illustration of the sex ≠ sexual attraction equation.
"He cannot, however, long remain asexual when he sees the great peasant girls, as ardent as mares in heat, abandoning themselves to the arms of robust youths."
--Havelock Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Dame du Lac » Mon Feb 18, 2008 2:34 pm

I echo Mr Paradox in thanking you for posting this Olivier; it really is amazing the sheer range of reasons why people have sex.

Shall I start the suggestions for an asexuals top twenty? (Obviously, all personal reasons - not meant to be representative of all asexuals.)

In no particular order:

1. curiosity
2. to express love for a partner who desires sex
3. reproduction
4. for physical pleasure
5. because a partner has been caressing and therefore arousing me
6. to comfort a partner
7. to experience physical closeness
8. to experience orgasm
9. "I thought it would help me to fall asleep" - some nights, if I thought this would work, I would try it!
10. for a new experience
11. the opportunity presented itself
12. for the hell of it
13. for physical release
14. I felt rebellious
15. I wanted to act out a fantasy
16. I was bored

This is difficult. I'm going to give up now as most of the above reasons overlap massively so any other reasons I come up with probably won't be anymore enlightening.

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:20 am

one thing I couldn't help thinking of while reading the list was an episode of "Dead like me" where the main characters had to sort through the 'last thought' of the varrious people who died, but I digress, the reason I brought this up was that fictitious list and this real one had strange crossover, the main 'last thought' revolved around feelings of isolation, "why didn't I spend more time with _____" " I wish I told _____ that _____ " "why doesn't anyone love me" etcetera. and from my impression of this list most of the items revolved simply not wanting to be alone. This makes me sad that our society, nay, our people have become so stunted and shallow that we've actually forgotten how to connect with someone without engaging in coitus.
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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Mr. Paradox
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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Mr. Paradox » Tue Feb 19, 2008 12:37 pm

That seems a bit harsh. Just because people are connecting with others through coitus doesn't mean anyone's forgotten there are other ways. It doesn't mean they're failing, either. I think the point here is that sex is as meaningful as we make it, and as a means of deepening a personal connection it can be up there with the best.

It speaks stronger of our society, I think, that on reading this list we tend to start from the assumption that these people shouldn't have had sex and that these are reasons they strayed into it. It reads much like a list of reasons people take dangerous drugs or join gangs. But in this case, it's just sex, so if it's done sensibly many of these are perfectly valid and acceptable reasons.
"He cannot, however, long remain asexual when he sees the great peasant girls, as ardent as mares in heat, abandoning themselves to the arms of robust youths."
--Havelock Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex

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Olivier
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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Olivier » Tue Feb 19, 2008 3:28 pm

Noskcaj.Llahsram wrote:my impression of this list most of the items revolved simply not wanting to be alone

I re-read the list and I'm not sure I agree, but still if you look at the Top 20's, those aren't the reasons that dominate. Besides, you can want togetherness without being afraid of being alone. For me being alone is something I'm completely happy and comfortable with - yet being with my wife is better :)

And just to add the Dame du Lac's top 16, I think that some of the reasons along the lines of "I wanted to keep my partner satisfied" or not nagging, or not going nuts with frustration, would also make an asexual top 20, much as it may be better if they didn't ;)

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spin
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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby spin » Tue Feb 19, 2008 7:18 pm

My goodness, that really is quite a list.

I wonder, how often do you think people realize what their motivations are at the time? I know I could make up a list of reasons I eat, and "I was hungry" would be up there but not the only reason, although most of the time, I think that's why I'm eating.

It can be good to have questions to turn back to make others think about themselves in relation to asexuality. It could be good to ask someone who doesn't get asexuality what reasons they've had for having sex. This could be a great thing to point to when talking to folks (especially in academia or the media) who don't catch on to why asexual people would ever have sex.

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:17 pm

I guess its a matter of personal opinion about togetherness/not being comfortable with being alone, and it also opens up the can of worms that is the introvertion/extravertion discussion and I've spent enough time exploring that elsewhere. So, cutting out the rant, I think wanting to be close to someone is separate from being comfortable while alone, you and other disagree, so be it.
I wash my hands of the matter.
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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spin
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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby spin » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:17 am

Actually, I don't think I've seen this rant, JM. Perhaps it'd be good for a thread in Relationships?

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Omnes et Nihil » Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:53 am

spin wrote:My goodness, that really is quite a list.

I wonder, how often do you think people realize what their motivations are at the time? I know I could make up a list of reasons I eat, and "I was hungry" would be up there but not the only reason, although most of the time, I think that's why I'm eating.


I think if the average person had sex as often as the average person eats (in places where there is no shortage of food), then I doubt people would wonder why people have sex.

Mind you, there would be many many more reasons to think not wanting to have sex is strange.

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby CierraJo » Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:31 pm

This list is great. I am gonna print it out & see which reasons my sexual b/f identifies with & show him the ones I identify with...maybe that would help us understand each other better!!!!

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spin
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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby spin » Sat Mar 29, 2008 8:42 am

ooh, that's a really good idea CierraJo!

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby evanescence » Fri Apr 25, 2008 6:22 am

My own reasons:

1. Because I knew it was expected
2. Because I wanted to prove to myself that I was normal
3. Because I wanted to punish myself for not being normal
4. Because there was always a tiny chance I might actually enjoy it
5. Because I saw it as the nonnegotiable cost of being in a relationship
6. Because it never occurred to me that I had a right to honour my own wishes and instincts
7. Because I loved the guy and wanted to do something nice for him
8. Because I wanted to give the impression of being a sex kitten

I'm sure there are lots more...

E.

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Lemon » Wed May 20, 2009 6:30 am

I found this topic really interesting, especially CierraJo's idea of picking out the ones that relate to your self and getting your sexual partner to do the same and see where they cross over. I haven't had the chance to do that with my partner but I have discussed it with some sexual friends in relationships who admitted that gratification and sexual attraction was often not the reason they had sex, conversely my single sexual friends were a little defensive about the possibility of emotional or other motives and mostly answered 'I did it because I wanted too' :)

The most surprising outcome of raising this topic with sexual friends was a woman I don't know intimately being incredibly self aware and honest with me.... She is married with a 6 month old baby, she confessed that her and her partner had not planned to get married and have children, in fact when they met they didn't actually speak the same language! It was an entirely circumstantial and physical relationship.
She said they haven't have sex after the initial few times which resulted in the unplanned pregnancy and don't plan to have sex in the future. She was of the opinion that the love they share is not for each other but through their shared love of their daughter and is as far as she is concerned a perfectly valid relationship which she is happy with. She expressed feeling very intimately bonded with her husband from small things like the understated joy of touching foreheads curled up around their lovely baby girl. I was really shocked and excited to find a sexual person embracing love in all its forms. <3 who said asexual love was just for asexual :)

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Brent_S » Thu Jun 23, 2011 6:42 pm

Thanks so much for this list. What excites me is that it gives 199 answers to my question of: Why do I have a desire for sex if I'm not attracted to anyone?
"Actually, sex just isn't that important to me." [Sidney Harris Cartoon. American Scientist. Magazine. 1984]

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Clarity » Sun Jul 31, 2011 7:52 am

For me (gray-asexual identified, but more sexual than most who identify that way, I think):

1. I was bored.
2. I thought I was supposed to.
3. I was unable to exert my will in most of my life, so the concept of doing something I genuinely wanted and would bring me pleasure seemed alien. It was easier to either go along with what my partner was doing or to default to a "script" of initiating sexual behavior.
4. To relieve sexual tension.
5. Because I thought I'd have to "prove" I was bisexual through my behavior.
6. Because I didn't know how much enduring it would hurt me psychologically.
7. I experienced some attraction or arousal, or had experienced more attraction to that person at some point, and I still don't know the "threshold" where enjoyable sex becomes possible. It's hard to tell the difference between being really attracted to someone and not when you don't have much (any?) experience of being really attracted to anyone.
8. I believe(d?) in casual sex with friends.
9. I was lonely and didn't know that I really needed some other type of intimacy.
10. I lack a sense of boundaries between friendship and sexual things. I have no self-consciousness about nudity, and I get a minor rush out of turning people on.
11. I didn't have the sense of self or self-assertion to say "stop" or bring up other sex-related concerns I really needed to talk about before continuing.
12. Sex is cool. It's supposed to be fun. I guess I fell for the image without checking in with my actual experience.
13. I thought it was like other sensations. I could tune in, observe, and listen to it, the faint feelings of pain and pleasure and things without such simple terms. I didn't really believe it could possible be somehow unique in damaging my ability to connect to the person I did it with, in giving me flashbacks and other lasting bad psychological sensations that weren't there when I was just listening to the sensory experience and waiting for something to happen. I guess I must have developed a habit of dissociating or something.
14. I'm into sexuality. I'm into liberation. I wanted to play out this image of it.
15. I'm fascinated by the geometric arrangements of bodies in relationship to each other.
16. I was touch-deprived.

On some level I'm aware that many people can have sex for reasons like "I'm bored" without having crying fits, bouts of rage, and nauseating flashbacks for the next few months. On the other, I'm kinda upset that so many people ignore the potential negative effects of choosing to have sex (or not saying no) when you don't know how to enjoy it.

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Re: Reasons other than sexual attraction that people have sex

Postby Birdwing » Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:21 am

x
(I no longer visit this site or AVEN, and I've blocked private messages. Just FYI.)