Please help

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Allie_El
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Please help

Postby Allie_El » Thu Jul 14, 2016 7:19 am

Hi all,

My name is Allie Beth, and I am very new to this whole sexuality thing. I am from a very conservative Baptist family, and I have been tought growing up that homosexuality (or basically anything other than falling in love and marrying the opposite gender only) is a sin. However, now that I'm seventeen going on eighteen, I decided to make my own desicion on the subject. I started reading and watching gay and lesbian books and movies, and started talking to the "freaks" at my school. I will readily admit that before this, I was a complete homophobe. But now that I personally know quite a few homosexuals and bisexuals, I really don't see what the problem is.

But my family freaked. They forbade me from talking to those "sinners" and even threatened to homeschool me next year. So you can imagine my horror when I start researching all the different types of sexuality and the asexual tag fit me perfectly.

I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm not asexual because I've never had anything other than a summer fling and I've most definitely never had sex, but I don't think it's working. I can't tell anyone, because in my tiny, red-neck community something is bound to get back to my parents or some other member of my church. I don't know what to do.

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KAGU143
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Re: Please help

Postby KAGU143 » Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:03 am

Hi Allie, and welcome to Apositive. :)
First, take a deep breath and calm down. If you really are asexual it isn't a catastrophe, don't worry, because asexuals can still do everything that a sexual person can do - the main difference is that they are more likely to be attracted to people based on their characters and on common interests rather than whether or not they are "sexy". Asexuals are perfectly capable of having sex even if it isn't something that they would normally seek out. Also, at age 17-18 it's slightly too soon to be 100% sure if you're asexual or not. You will probably have a pretty good idea about whether or not you prefer the company of one gender or another, but you might not be too sure what to do about it. Some people on the asexual spectrum will experience no form of sexual attraction at all until they already have a solid emotional bond with someone. Only a few generations ago this was considered to be the ideal state of being, and what passes for normal today would have been abhorrent. In a strongly religious community you should not be under a great deal of pressure to have pre-marital affairs. (I mean, compared to someone in a big city.) I know - guys are guys, regardless - but your being firm about your own morality is something that they should be able to respect.
If your parents wonder why you aren't dating, tell them that you DID go out with (whoever) and that they dumped you because you wouldn't put out and that you suspect they might have spread the word. Any religious parent should be proud of you for having a reputation like that.

As for people in the LGBTA community?
As you are seeing, they are ordinary people, no different from anybody else. Some are awesome and will do anything possible to help a friend; some are real assholes and will stab you in the back as soon as look at you. Their sexuality isn't inherently "sinful" since the very concept of sin is meaningless aside from religion. All available evidence is pointing to the fact that a person's sexual orientation is not a choice - it is already determined by the time of birth - so THAT part of their nature is beyond their control. The way they choose to treat other people might or might not be sinful, but that is true for everybody.
Your problem seems to be mostly with your family (and church) because you are able to think and they can't - they can only believe.
To be honest, there isn't much you can do about it as long as you live under their roof. You should be able to talk to anybody you please while you are at school but it might be impossible for you to bring your friends home. If they are true friends they will understand.
Are you planning to go away for college? If so, you will have a lot more freedom at that point. If not, then you might have to play it cool until you can find work and leave home. I know that's tough in a small rural area (I live out in the sticks, too.) but it's possible.
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Allie_El
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Joined: Wed Jul 13, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Please help

Postby Allie_El » Thu Jul 14, 2016 9:26 pm

Thank you so much, that really cleared some stuff up. I've been hesitant on what to believe on the Internet. As for college, I may have an even bigger problem there because my parents are sending me to the most conservative baptist private college ever to exist. I swear, this place is a military school in disguise. I don't know how I'm gonna survive. Oh well. That's what I have this place for :-)

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KAGU143
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Re: Please help

Postby KAGU143 » Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:58 am

From what I know of college, the image that a private college tries to project to potential paying customers can be very different from the reality that is experienced by the student body. It's reasonable to assume that you won't be the only student who has been SENT there. Granted, there will be some who have intentionally chosen such an environment because they feel that it won't threaten their pre-conceived ideas, but they won't be the only ones there.
What college is it? I could tell tales about graduates from some pretty strict, religious colleges, but I won't.
Let's just say that the old saying about the "son of a preacher man" is not entirely fictional.
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Allie_El
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Joined: Wed Jul 13, 2016 9:54 pm

Re: Please help

Postby Allie_El » Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:12 am

Haha! Too true. It's Pensacola Christian College. The only nice thing about it is that it's about as far from home as I can get. So, that's a plus I guess.

flergalwit
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Re: Please help

Postby flergalwit » Sat Jul 16, 2016 2:59 am

Hey Allie, welcome to apos! Gosh I sympathise with your situation; I'm lucky I've never had to go through anything like that, being from a very secular background. If you can be thankful for one thing, I think the highly conservative religious types mostly care less about asexuality than being gay or trans*. It's not completely consistent because there's the whole "be fruitful and multiply" thing, but also Paul described celibacy as a gift (and though celibacy isn't asexuality, they often get confused). You don't have to tell your parents or family that you are asexual (if indeed that is the label you decide upon) unless you're comfortable with it. As Nancy says you always have here, and you always have the internet... and college is only for 3-4 years, which might seem long now, but won't so much in 10-20 years' time...

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CatBunny
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Re: Please help

Postby CatBunny » Thu Oct 06, 2016 12:44 pm

Hi! I never had to deal with that stuff but I understand the type of world you're coming from. Why Homosexuality was seen as sinful is just because a same sex couple can't reproduce much like how in some religions not washing your hands before eating is sinful. Nowadays things are different, we know it's just something someone was born as, it's natural and people aren't dying like flies like back in biblical times haha...

I think you need to think about your safety. You're almost an adult so you're coming close to being independent. I was told by someone who was kicked out of their house and home by religious parents some very important wisdom: Do not tell them and do not let them know until you are sure you have a safe place to go or live in. A lot of people come out as a form of "catharsis" but it's really dangerous and can become an abusive situation when they thought their parents cared for them. It's sad but you need to stay in the closet for your own safety sometimes. Come out when you know you'll be safe.
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