A bit late but still trying

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A bit late but still trying

Postby Dewlee » Mon Dec 05, 2016 2:15 pm


I found this place while reading a book about gender ("My new gender workbook" by Kate Bornstein), where there are some tweets printed, and the link to this forum is in one of them.
I have been curious about asexuality for a while now, but if I have collected enough information to get the clearer idea that I can identify as grey-ace, I still lack a safe place to discuss it with informed people. I read the threads saying this forum is nearly dead, and passed from excitement to sadness in a short while, but I will still try to post and see what happens :) I liked what I read so far, so I will at least read all that I can to learn more about my questionings.

I am French and my English isn't fluent, so I apologize if I do not express myself correctly all the time. I am still figuring out my own identity and sexuality, and have a hard time finding myself in the usual binaries. Pronouns he/his, I am a trans person, non binary transboy. There are many ways I could describe myself, some contradictory, because I feel I can be several things at the same time, while none solely suffices by itself. The sexual orientation is the complicated question, I am not sure I experiment sexual attraction, or only if some conditions are met. Since I used to not feel attracted as a teenager I had no instinct of what I preferred between boys and girls, but I wasn't aware of asexuality at this time and confounded general interest with sexual attraction... I tried very hard to be sexually active, with mixed results, and I still am currently, even if my sexuality is focused on kink and on the partner pleasure and/or control more than my body or feelings. I do experience attraction when invested into sexual activities, but I don't usually do until things are going on, so this is both stressful and hard to manage, since I don't know if I will like or want to do something beforehand. I am still confused about "sexual" orientation because I feel more attraction towards boys in some way, but I currently have a girlfriend. Depending on the time and my relationships, I feel like I could be gay, bisexual, pansexual and ace.
I use ace in the umbrella sense but greysexual is definitely what is flexible enough. I do not feel the need for being sexually active, and sexuality is still hard to manage...

Otherwise, I'm an overthinking video game artist, wishing to create fiction, liking to discuss things, curious about people. I'm 27 but feel much younger, in appearance and in the life challenges I face. I'm still struggling to find what I want to do as a job, studying Japanese part time at college, and learning the kind of people I am and want to be.

Thank you for creating this forum, I hope I will find some food for my thoughts here, even if there isn't people left!

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Re: A bit late but still trying

Postby KAGU143 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 7:44 pm

Hi Dewlee! Welcome to Apositive. :)

It has definitely been uber-slow around here, but our little forum is not quite completely dead yet. (The body still twitches once in a while.) Your English is fine, so you don't need to worry about that.

I'm not 100% gender-normal myself, but it took me most of my life to figure that out. The good news is that it was a very educational process, and maybe I learned some things that might be helpful to others.
Have you ever heard the cliche' "opposites attract" or maybe something like it in French?

I read an interesting article where that idea was analyzed in more detail, and it made some profound observations.
It's true. Biological opposites DO attract, so male people who happen to be masculine-gendered will tend to find female people who are female-gendered to be sexually attractive, and vice-versa. I believe that this kind of sexual attraction is instinctive and hormone-driven, and it's the "default" for the majority of people, but by no means does it apply to everybody.

Where it gets interesting is when people are not strongly gendered in either direction, or when their gender doesn't match their biological sex. (I mean gender as a personal identity, not gender behavior or dress, etc.)
As people become less polarized in their gender identity then their focus on which gender to be attracted to can become blurred, and they can become open to looking beyond sex or gender and evaluating each person on their own merits, independent of their sex or gender. I think that there is nothing wrong with this at all. In fact, I find a certain kind of nobility in the idea of weighing a person's merits according to their character rather than their body.

It sounds to me like you might be in this category.
It can be strange when you find yourself being attracted to a variety of people in ways that don't center around sex, but if you look closely at what you find attractive about each person then you might start to find a pattern.
You might enjoy people who are assertive or yielding, impulsive or methodical, chatty or quiet - - it could be all sorts of things.
There are non-sexual kinds of attraction which can lead to relationships that don't involve sex, or at least aren't centered around sex, and those relationships can be just as fulfilling and long-lasting as any other kind.

You sound like a lot of people that I know. Some are into video games, creative writing, kink, even learning Japanese!
It seems like a small world, sometimes
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

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Re: A bit late but still trying

Postby CatBunny » Mon Dec 26, 2016 10:10 am

It seems a little more alive than normal recently.

I guess I'm technically cis even though i've been rather androgynous my whole life. I always felt I had mild gender dysphoria but I can understand going through more stronger confusion regarding ones gender. It's okay, it takes time to understand one's sexuality. Cool you're into videogames! I'm a 3D/2D artist who loves videogames but suck at the game dev part. Most Is I just end up making assets with the hope I can get someone to make my dream a reality haha...