Hello from a confused individual

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TypoMaster
New Member
Posts: 7
Joined: 02 Feb 2017, 14:56

Hello from a confused individual

Postby TypoMaster » 02 Feb 2017, 16:05

Hello. The name Typo Master is a secondary alias and not what I usually go by on the Internet. I also used to be on AVEN, but stopped after hearing it was terrible (I didn't see that much wrong though. Wasn't on it that much). Suffice to say, madness is plaguing me once again I need an ace friendly, non pushy, open minded place to vent. From my lurking, it seems like this place is a slow but fine place. I need places like this, speaking that some of the things I talk about I only feel confident enough sharing on ace friendly places or strictly confidential third parties (one on one. Usually psychological health services. And they're not as up to date on what I know usually.). So basically some of the things I might share are so freaking horrid to me, but I need a place to vent. And people that get it. With an awkward intro out of the way, let's move on.

On the public face and in practice, I'm quite the aro ace, and like it. I have little problem saying that to people. They might not believe it usually and try to persuade me otherwise, but I'm able to brush it off. Not everyone knows it's a thing. And that's fine (though it's not fine that they try push me to do otherwise). I also publicly and internally hate romantic/sexual relationships (doesn't matter what type. I treat all non aro ace orientations the same --- with contempt) on many levels and encourage people to stay single, befriending people that they like. I've even gotten successful enough to stop my parents and other family members to stop bugging me about "finding someone". To the public, I've more or less gotten my preferred and de facto orientation out. However, for well over a year, I've been bothered by mostly "untargeted" disturbing thoughts that make me question my orientation. They're barely if at all sexual, so my asexuality is not in much question. But the aromanticism, something I valued, is far more in question. These thoughts are something I hate talking about and keep a heavy lock on except in very certain circumstances, as described in the previous paragraph.

About my questionable aromanticism, I have thoughts about having a close, supportive, basically equal, etc. relationship in which one (that one being me. Gosh I hate saying this.) would be able to have good conversations and the like (and maybe some hugging or something. Little to no sex though. Usually none).. While I consider having a living with a best friend perfectly acceptable, this oftenly goes above that. Like my mind wouldn't be satisfied with that. It could be that my mind is confused (I have never really been terribly close to people in a way I'd like. Or maybe I have and I'm just not remembering or I'm being an ass somehow.), with it being depressed (clinically diagnosed)and autistic (also clinically diagnosed, but I'm failing to see how this would play into this). This is all a murky area and could be a desire for queerplantonic relationship, but who knows? Fortunately for me, I have no real interest in anyone (except a grey are with a certain fictional character. My "greater than friends" seeing of this character really set this trainwreck up. I blame myself though, not them. It was my mind that didn't control itself.) and it's all idealized in my head. I have to fight a losing battle with these thoughts nigh daily, sometimes to the point of insanity, but the cost if I fail is too great. I cannot allow myself to through with a RL relationship barring maybe a queerplatonic one (best friendship is perfectly fine to me though. Ofc, I don't know anyone that close enough). It would break things I told people, break my own self image, would have me be in a toxic and unhealthy type of human relation, would have me be in a mutually abusive and usive type of human relation, and so much more. If I could find a way to kill these thoughts I have, it would be nice. However, I've had to fight it mostly by myself (I cannot tell most people about it. If they knew, they'd push me into a result I do not want). This along with the fact that it's a losing battle with biology. For the moment, I sometimes pander to the thoughts by sometimes indulging in fiction that conforms to my standards. Though usually I don't and it doesn't.

I utterly despise admitting to my horrible thoughts, but I need to. I wish I knew how to kill them, but I cannot ATM. Until then, I have to continue fighting a maddening battle with own mind to set it back on what I consider acceptable to myself. I'd rather die than IRL carry them out, and gosh knows I place a low value on my life as it is. I do expect that in the future I might ramble on about these again, esp. since I'm barely telling the full story. It's so incredibly hard to talk about them. I do hope to get help, support, etc. from here and finally be able to have a place again to discuss these things.

Thank you for listening to an incoherent madman and sorry for wasting your time, assuming you I thought I did. I don't tend to come across well. I hope to post again if I work up the time and motivation. Gosh knows I'm lazy enough. :)

In other unrelated things, I'm a male (that doesn't really care about "gender expectations") from the United States. I quite enjoy playing video games, modding them, and coming up with my own creative works. I battle with major depressive disorder and high functioning autism, as mostly stated before. I tend to have harsher double standards that only apply to me. I also tend to overexaggerate things, though there's usually truth to what I complain about. I'm single, always have been, and always hope to be so :p . I also really don't want kids. Among other things, I got enough of that raising my pain in the ass siblings. Also, I tend to cuss, be blunt, feel older than I actually am, and more. Ask me any more questions you might have about me below, if you wish.

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CatBunny
Established Member
Posts: 93
Joined: 09 Jul 2015, 12:50

Re: Hello from a confused individual

Postby CatBunny » 03 Feb 2017, 14:22

First you need to take a break, relax and sit back. Let what happens happen in terms of thoughts, you don't need to find a relationship platonic or not. If you're still questioning or coming to terms with it, it takes a while and you never know. People take years, decades before they can figure out things and punishing yourself for being confused is not helping. I'm guessing mental illness plays into this, I know, I have multiple. It takes time and mulling over it over and over again doesn't help. It helps to take things slowly, really slowly. It doesn't hurt if you find you're confused or ace or aro or queer or not or anything. Really it just takes time. I'm aro and I haven't sought an aro relationship because it's easier to picture in my mind than real life because honestly, queerplatonic relationships are hard to find. I'm giving it time honestly. It's all about time.

Also great to meet you! I'm a creative type as well, though it's more animation and art than games.
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TypoMaster
New Member
Posts: 7
Joined: 02 Feb 2017, 14:56

Re: Hello from a confused individual

Postby TypoMaster » 09 Feb 2017, 15:20

Thanks for the response, CatBunny. Thanks for the advice about not letting the terrible thoughts get to me. It seems like I have worked on internalizing it since I read your post (I can be a late responder......). Whenever I have the thoughts now, I just basically ignore them and move on. I count myself super lucky to be single. So much freedom, no pain because I avoid the societal and biological trap, etc. It helps that any "interest" I might develop in people is sensual and fleeting, esp. as I get to know them.

Also nice to find someone that does creative works here as well. I have probably no less than overall 5 (1 original, 4 working off other existing works) fanworks in my head. I give them attention separately and with different priorities. I cannot pay attention to them all equally.


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