Arriving from aven

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debiguity
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Arriving from aven

Postby debiguity » Thu Sep 30, 2010 5:47 pm

I haven't been on aven long, just happened across a mention of apositive there, and after lurking a bit I have a feeling that it will suit me better here.

It's just too busy over there! :)

Okay, so the intro. I only recently realized that I was asexual, but more in the sense that asexual was a real (and valid!) orientation. I don't always bother learning more about my various labels - like atheism, just something I've always been, not anything I have an interest in reading or talking about - but the asexuality I find I do need to explore a bit.

I have not quite figured out if I am aromantic or romantic. Quirky-alone is the best description I've ever run across for how I feel about relationships!

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KAGU143
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby KAGU143 » Thu Sep 30, 2010 7:33 pm

Hi debiguity!
Welcome to Apositive! I have already noticed you over at AVEN because I think your username is a clever one. (I can be a word nerd at times, and things like that make me smile.:))

Anyway, I'm not sure that romantic and aromantic are necessarily at opposite ends of a spectrum with some huge, vacant gulf in between.
(Personally, one of my quirks is that I REALLY dislike the term "romantic", and, by extension, "aromantic", since I can't seem to mentally separate them from romance, and I have a ton of negative connotations associated with the rituals and social expectations that are associated with romance.)

To get around my linguistic limitations I will try to put things in different words.
To me, a "romantic" asexual is simply one who hopes for some type of more-or-less exclusive, mutually supportive, long-term, committed relationship. Does that sound about right? I think that physical displays of affection would be optional, but probably prretty common, at least on some level.

So, an "aromantic" asexual would be someone who wants something else from a relationship, maybe without the committment or the exclusivity? I think long-term, mutual support would be a normal component of most good friendsips so I didn't include those, but anything is possible.

Am I totally off the mark here? (It wouldn't be the first time.) Do you think that maybe you have some aspects of both, or that you are somewhere in between, or maybe that you might vary back and forth to some degree? Nobody else can really tell you what you are, of course, but maybe the right questions might help you find your own answer.
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fridayoak
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby fridayoak » Fri Oct 01, 2010 1:58 am

Welcome to Apositive debiguity.

I do agree with Kagu about not liking (or completely understanding) romantic/aromantic division (the romanctic binary?) I always though "aromantic" was similar to being asexual, in that they simply don't experience "romantic attraction" but I guess because people have different ideas about what constitutes romance, so it can be a difficult thing to pin down.

For me I also used to vaguely associate with the whole "quirky alone" thing, because my relationships were quite sparse in nature and never lasted particularly long but I think that was more to do with being introverted and not meeting the right people. I have never once doubted that I am romantic though, it's just sometimes difficult to find the right person who has the same expectations from my own form of romance I guess. Not sure how much sense that makes?
Last edited by fridayoak on Fri Oct 01, 2010 7:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

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KAGU143
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby KAGU143 » Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:25 am

I was trying to include poly relationships when I said "more or less" exclusive, since I believe that even poly relationships are exclusive to some degree or another. It's just that they include more than one person in the "significant other" category. I don't think there is a set limit to how many people can be in a poly relationship, but I still think that there is a line drawn between those who are part of it and those who are not.
I wasn't trying to dismiss the polys since I have come very close to being poly myself on more than one occasion.

(I have to say, that statement looks very weird to me, grammatically speaking ... :think: )
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fridayoak
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby fridayoak » Fri Oct 01, 2010 7:35 am

Sorry Kagu I misunderstood what you were saying with regards to Poly, I've edited that stuff out.


(And do you mean my statement doesn't make much sense grammatically, or yours? cos I did write it in a hurry)

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debiguity
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby debiguity » Fri Oct 01, 2010 10:55 am

We are all agreed that romantic/aromantic aren't the best words!

Kagu, that's an interesting idea you have with regards to aromantic. It addresses the idea of where we get our intimacy from - a relationship vs a community. Or at least that's where my mind went with it!

What I'd read elsewhere made it sound a lot more like aromantics couldn't form emotional connections. I know that's not how they intended it (well, some of them really might have!) but that's what it kept sounding like!

I think that I must just be somewhere in between, or maybe have aspects of both. Theoretically I would like to have a partner, but in reality I've been single for so long that it is hard to imagine being in a relationship. I'm not sure if I've internalized society's ideal of everyone-in-pairs, and if that is where the vague "it would be nice to be in a relationship" thoughts come from, or if it is really coming from me. Maybe that doesn't matter, I just can't help but to wonder these things.

So, I'm happy single. I generally avoid the possibility of relationships, though at least part of that has been because I've felt vaguely guilty, and maybe even a little broken, about the asexual part. In retrospect, I might have felt differently about it if I'd understood about asexuality and just had a frank conversation with them. But it's as much habit as anything else now to avoid relationships, and I almost never feel like I'm missing out on anything. I guess that's what makes me wonder if I'm aromantic. But maybe that's not quite right either, maybe I'm assuming romantic asexuals are actively seeking relationships, when it might really just be that they'd be open to one?

Either way, thanks to you both for the welcome! I'm enjoying it here already. :)

Oh, and thanks Kagu regarding the username! It seems to confuse a lot of people (they'll often switch the g with a q!) but it suits me and it's never been taken so far! :D

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ily
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby ily » Fri Oct 01, 2010 12:03 pm

Welcome to Apositive! It's a bit quieter here, so feel free to post lots. ;) (Also, cute cat in your avatar-- looks like one of mine.)

Yeah, I've identified as asexual for around 5 years now, and I still don't really understand the whole romantic/aromantic divide (more realistically, it would probably be a spectrum like everything else). I have a similar experience to you-- while I think a romantic relationship sounds good in theory, I've been single forever and don't seek out those sorts of relationships. I have experienced romantic attraction a few times, although not recently. Although I'm asexual, I have a hard time separating romance from sex, and asexual romance from a very close friendship. Basically I just think that the existence of asexuals messes so much with the concept of romance that it's hard for me to claim that it has any monolithic definition.

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Dargon
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby Dargon » Fri Oct 01, 2010 1:21 pm

Hello and welcome.

With regards to the discussion about the (a)romantic label, I've always thought aromantic to mean as fridayoak has said, lacking romantic attraction.

That being said, I've got my own ideas regarding the whole romantic thing, which are waaaay of the social norms, even within the asexual community, so I now tend to shy away from that label dichotomy as well.

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KAGU143
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby KAGU143 » Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:36 pm

Fridayoak, I was kinda laughing at my own statement and thinking that it looked weird.
It was the phrase "close to being poly myself" that made me stare at it. It's like ... erm, how many of me are there, really, if I stand very close together? Or something ...
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby Pooh Bear » Sun Oct 03, 2010 5:06 pm

Welcome Debiguity

So glad you are here.

Kagu had to laugh at your post - how many me's are there. I joked with someone once that what if all the people in your life where really just parts of your personality - then I saw the move about John Nash - "Beautifully Mind" I think was the title and realized for some they are. Great move by the way about the Pulitzer Prize [edit - it was the Nobel Prize not Pulitzer] winner in Mathematics and Economics.

Any way welcome again Debiguity
Last edited by Pooh Bear on Sun Oct 10, 2010 12:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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debiguity
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby debiguity » Sun Oct 03, 2010 5:18 pm

@ily - thanks! my avatar-cat (Tempest) is a princess. :)

I have been catching up on some of the older posts, and it has me thinking a lot! I don't know if it will translate into posting much (I bike commute, and somehow biking eats a lot of words) but I'm enjoying the atmosphere anyway!

Good to see another with a sort of ambivalent aromantic/romantic identification! One of the interesting things in reading some of these threads is to realize that much of the terminology wasn't necessarily thought out, but was just sort of thrown out there (not even necessarily in a serious way) and ended up sticking to some degree.

@Dargon - I would be interested to hear your thoughts regarding these terms! Is there a post you could point me towards? I am less and less convinced that it's a label that makes any sense, at least for me, but at the same time it does seem like there is *something* that is being described, and which might be useful to some.

@Kagu - I was riding to work early one day last week, and in this one spot as I rounded a corner there were two streetlights on me from different directions, and I had THREE shadows! Me, myself, and I, riding together! :D

@Pooh Bear - thanks! This is a very welcoming place. I like it. :)

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Sun Oct 03, 2010 6:05 pm

I'm a little late to the game but I'd like to welcome you too. I'd also like to apologize to everyone, school has been bushwhacking me hard so other than welcomes and sarcastic interjection I haven't really added much
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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Dargon
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby Dargon » Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:11 pm

debiguity wrote:@Dargon - I would be interested to hear your thoughts regarding these terms! Is there a post you could point me towards? I am less and less convinced that it's a label that makes any sense, at least for me, but at the same time it does seem like there is *something* that is being described, and which might be useful to some.


There is really no one post about this, it is something I have thought about over many years, kind of all clicked one night a few years ago, but I'm not sure I've laid it out all neat-like. Furthermore, I'm not sure it would be helpful for you, but since you seem curious, I'll go ahead, though I'll try to be brief.

First off, for years I identified as aromantic. I no longer use that label.

The term "romantic" to me implies buying into the societal notions of "dating" and "relationships." When I actually thought about it, these notions seemed rather nonsensical to me. They seemed to set up arbitrary limitations and expectations on any and all relationships. The more I thought about them, the less sense they made. As such, I simply stopped abiding by them, allowing and and all relationships to grow as they will (of course, if things get "interesting," or of anyone simply asks, I let them know this, as it is a bit odd for most).

Seeing as I do not abide by these labels, and I do not differentiate between "friends" and "more than friends," the (a)romantic labels become irrelevant. I simply have relationships that grow as they will.

I do not know if that will be helpful to you, but I suppose at the very least it gives another angle to consider on the whole notion of romance.

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debiguity
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby debiguity » Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:27 pm

@N.L - thanks! I remember those days of school and how it ate up all of my time. I'm a procrastinator, so I'm not sure I'd have made it through school if the internets had been around then! (Okay, they *were* around, but more of the telnet variety, and I didn't get into it.) Regardless, sarcastic interjection is a valuable addition to any online community!

@Dargon - that's interesting, it sounds similar in many ways to how some friends have described their poly relationships, or at least their views on theoretical poly relationships. Maybe yours is an asexual version of poly! Or something else altogether. In many respects, a more fluid way of looking at relationships in general does make sense. Maybe not for everyone, but certainly for many asexuals, or at least the ones who haven't had satisfying times in more traditional relationships.

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Dargon
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Re: Arriving from aven

Postby Dargon » Mon Oct 04, 2010 6:53 pm

debiguity wrote:@Dargon - that's interesting, it sounds similar in many ways to how some friends have described their poly relationships, or at least their views on theoretical poly relationships. Maybe yours is an asexual version of poly! Or something else altogether. In many respects, a more fluid way of looking at relationships in general does make sense. Maybe not for everyone, but certainly for many asexuals, or at least the ones who haven't had satisfying times in more traditional relationships.


Couldn't help but chuckle, as I no longer feel the asexual label fits either. But that's another story. And I don't really view "poly" as a necessary label either, seeing as I'm not differentiating my relationships. Most people looking in would consider it as such, and I take that into account, but I find that label doesn't quite fit either.