Scared of IRL relationships.

General discussion about relationship issues.
Caliguy35

Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Caliguy35 » 15 Jan 2016, 15:42

So this morning/last night I ended my last relationship with someone. The biggest reason why was because she wanted someone irl. I got myself believing that I could do it. But this morning the "ifs" became to strong. I ended it. Does anyone understand the fear of irl relationship? I've only had online relationships . It is all I know. I used to believe that it was all I needed. But now people seem to want more and more. When I am pushed into a irl relationship. I freak out I run the other way. No matter how strong my feelings are for that person.

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PiF
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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby PiF » 16 Jan 2016, 00:57

Hiya Cali

It's generally known that I am not a big internet fan bar the handfull of forums, ebay and emails and ceritanly no social media sites.

You say your afraid of real life relationships but do not really say what part/s of a rlr actually frightens or worries you? Could you be more specific?

Caliguy35

Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Caliguy35 » 16 Jan 2016, 04:31

Being touched/hugged any kind of touch coming from someone. Even if I trust them touch still sends chills down my body. Just talking with people face to face.

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PiF
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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby PiF » 16 Jan 2016, 05:52

So sexual repulsion with intimacy anxiety?

If that is the right direction then yes absolutely I understand why you still wish intimacy with the protection the internet and safety behind a screen.

As always there will be one major reason or a collection of several smaller ones but no less important to you reasons.

First bit of advice this grumpy old fart will offer........your not a bad person and all your trying to do is find your place in the world. That includes interaction with others. Not everyone has the confidence in the real world they have online, that is why most online communities flurish.

However, at some point if your absolute wish is a real life relationship then there is no other way than dipping your toe into the pool of real life

Relationships scare the shit out of me, I have had many short and a few long term and even halfway though my life, I still haven't got a clue what makes them work best, If I had I won't be on a forum :D

The safest way to start is with people you know in real life, most relationships off line happen normally through uni, school, work or other friends
..might be worth looking into?

The other thing..if real life interaction with a real person is a problem...then don't push it but be honest with the other person once it becomes clear your going from a friendship into an relationship.

Another way..and this might be a bit left field but humour me...S & M...when you look in the dark places of asexuality quite a few are into s & m due to the none direct touch that allows you to get close, even intense but with very strict rules agreed by both parties before anything happens

I am fully able to have sex but over the last few years I have chosen to be celibate realising that my list of requirements most will not be able to meet, that requires some honesty and the biggest person to be honest with is yourself.

The anxiety maybe a cognative behavioral resolution, or medication or even hypnotherapy

Lastly what I will offer..either go for it or don't bother at all..because you risk damaging yourself and your own confidence if you go for it then continually pull out again and again.

Beyond that there will be better people than I to help but I hope it offers just one perspective for you?

Caliguy35

Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Caliguy35 » 17 Jan 2016, 04:30

Thanks, PIF.

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PiF
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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby PiF » 17 Jan 2016, 12:05

I'm not sure if that is what you wanted Cali but I can offer a bit more.

I am quite tall and of a reasonable size and through work in the past, protecting myself has never been an issue. I am old school as well which meant I was raised in a way that meant you should never hit a woman. I have however in my personal life been involved with at least one violent woman. I won't go into to much detail but the damage done from that relationship for future relationships was substantial.

Where I compare it to your situation is that a friendship that started off in places I would not normally be, started to on a number of occasions reach a tipping point of anxiety, panic and fear, particulary around what if it happens again. It was that fear that often saw me finish things before they had properly gotten started believing mostly that it will end this way anyway so why go through all the fear, anxiety and sadness

I suspect like me, you know the reasons why you are this way or at least have suspicions. I found that as long as I allowed that situation to continue then yes at least I was in control but I was in control of my own misery and if I had the ability to enable my sadness to continue, then I would also within me , have that ability to make it go away.

I did take steps therefore to try relationships and whilst most have ended not as planned, some are now great friends and even the bad ones, I have had some good momments too.

Thrasymachus
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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Thrasymachus » 07 Mar 2016, 15:55

I lived off my mother without working for most of 20's. I wouldn't say I was full blown hikikomori, but I was definitely a NEET(Not in Education, Employment, or Training) with very poor social skills back then. However, I never believed in online friendship and still don't. You can socialize with someone online for years and their physical presence will be as strange as that of a total stranger, until you adjust to it. That is largely part of the reason why you were likely scared to meet in real life. Also while online socialization is more deliberate and conscious, your unconscious habits that tell others who know you, who you really are don't come out, because writing is a more higher order function that cannot be done by the unconscious mind. For example when I eat at home often I like to bullshit around, stop eating, take a mini pointless lap around the kitchen, living room, break to dick around the net, watch tv, tap my feet, etc. Obviously around people whose physical presence I am not comfortable or when eating out at a restaurant, I don't do that. You don't want to do the type of nonsense you are doing. Whatever you want in life, you will need some kind of social skills and ability to interact with others to get it. The more you live a surrogate online life, the harder it will be for you to re-integrate into society.

Within limits it is better to have more life experiences, instead of less. I regret that I didn't use my 20's to branch out and try different things instead of being scared of the world and thinking that adult life was like the cliques of high schools, which is what caused my retreat from most social life. Now I am 33 and feel like a barnacle trying to stick to the only good paying job with benefits I ever had, and I cannot try out different life circumstances, I am tied to this job for dear life.

If you are scared of real life, you may want to try AVEN, where people post to just post because they are very lonely don't really have anything going on. But oh yeah, they pretend to give advice(of course they don't have the experience or grounding for good advice) and like to jerk off making dozens of made up categories they pretend are ontological at a rate that would leave the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual Committee breathless(btw most of the DSM panel have drug industry financial ties, see: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16636630 ).

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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby PiF » 08 Mar 2016, 03:23

My daughter is a social media junkie and claims to have hundreds of friends. She recently moved and decided to hire a van but not a removal company. I offered to help and suggested perhaps some of her internet friends may wish to help......17 offered to turn up, 8 gave advice on how to move large obstacles and removals in general, 2 gave advice on how to drive a large vehicle and on the day.......0 turned up to help

Caliguy35

Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Caliguy35 » 08 Mar 2016, 07:37

Thrasymachus wrote:
If you are scared of real life, you may want to try AVEN, where people post to just post because they are very lonely don't really have anything going on. But oh yeah, they pretend to give advice(of course they don't have the experience or grounding for good advice) and like to jerk off making dozens of made up categories they pretend are ontological at a rate that would leave the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual Committee breathless(btw most of the DSM panel have drug industry financial ties, see: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16636630 ).

Aven? That site again? I love aven. Too much to leave it. But I've been banned so many times now. Thus I have little hope of returning.

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PiF
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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby PiF » 08 Mar 2016, 07:43

Hi Cali, good to see you again

Caliguy35

Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Caliguy35 » 08 Mar 2016, 07:51

PiF wrote:Hi Cali, good to see you again

I've been around the internet. Kinda still searching for a new virtual home.

Thrasymachus
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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Thrasymachus » 08 Mar 2016, 12:42

Just today I was wasting my time bullshitting and politicking in the hotel I am staying at in Thessaloniki after I got home around 7-8 pm or whatever after playing "cultured" tourist and visiting 3 museums and snooping around the peer by the cranes and tugboats. I wanted to go out to eat at the only vegan restaurant in Thessaloniki again before bedtime but by the time I stopped wasting time on the net, and reached there on my folding Brompton bike it was like 12 something am and the restaurant was closed. Now I have to eat an assortment of total junk food from kiosks.

See what internet addiction gets you? Nothing. (Good thing I didn't throw that hand grenade on toxic AVEN.)

@Caliguy35:
Do you work? How old are you?

Caliguy35

Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Caliguy35 » 08 Mar 2016, 14:41

I am 35. And yes I do work :D

Thrasymachus
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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Thrasymachus » 08 Mar 2016, 15:14

If you can socialize enough to work, why were you so scared to meet someone who you corresponded with online? However, I must admit I would feel very uncomfortable meeting someone I interacted with only online for years or months. Like I wrote before, online people can easily hide or simply cannot show their unconscious quirks, well except for very toxic people, who are toxic even online.

Caliguy35

Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Caliguy35 » 08 Mar 2016, 15:47

I am a tutor so I work on my own. I am my own boss. It is really a long story why I am scared of meeting people irl. Sometimes I think that I might get abused/or what have you. Which is one of the biggest reasons I would not want to meet someone offline.

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PiF
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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby PiF » 09 Mar 2016, 03:57

I know sometimes people attend organised meets because there are more than just 1 person and pretty much you will know them from online.

Some meets I've gone on I've stayed no longer than an hour and other I've stayed longer.

As to the online thing..there seems to be a step by step type of thing. often some people go through the boards and can then pm emails etc, some skype...so their are elements of avaliable progression

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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby Saintest » 02 Jul 2016, 02:29

Hi, good to see you all again=)))

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KAGU143
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Re: Scared of IRL relationships.

Postby KAGU143 » 02 Jul 2016, 02:58

I miss Caliguy35. :(
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