Confused about my Asexuality

General discussion about relationship issues.
OnionLove
New Member
Posts: 1
Joined: 17 May 2016, 16:03

Confused about my Asexuality

Postby OnionLove » 17 May 2016, 16:18

I had often been told that as a virgin I didn't have right to say I didn't enjoy the idea of sex or want sex because I never had it. I always thought that was a stupid thing to say because You can decide not to like something without experiencing for a variety of reasons. I had sex today with a male friend. It wasn't horrible sex, I wasnt attracted to him sexually anyway but I liked him emotionally so I thought we would be fine. I was so terribly wrong after it all we lay in bed awkwardly unable to look at each other because I had admitted I had no interest in the sex. I think his ego took a hit and so did mine. I hoped somewhere deep inside of me that maybe sex would fix me, make me normal, but I'm still the same person I was before.

And now i'm horribly confused about where I stand as asexual, and as a person. I want so deeply to be loved but it seems impossible without sex. And I wont have sex again because I really dont want to. It doesn't entice me at all. I'm from a island where we are taught that there can be no love without sex, we are taught sex before we are taught love. And I've always felt pressured by the worldly forces to have sex. And now, I feel almost at peace with those forces. But even so how can I hope to find anyone to give me the time of day when I wont have sex with them. When there can be no compromise. I cant ask anyone to give up sex for me.

Basically, what do I do?

Fem/ 21/ Jamaica

PiF
Apositive Star
Posts: 2269
Joined: 14 Nov 2011, 22:47

Re: Confused about my Asexuality

Postby PiF » 17 May 2016, 23:26

Hi Onion and welcome

I'll go through a few bits if I may and please remember this is just my opinion but hopefully others will chime in too

I had often been told that as a virgin I didn't have right to say I didn't enjoy the idea of sex or want sex because I never had it. I always thought that was a stupid thing to say because You can decide not to like something without experiencing for a variety of reasons.

Absolutely get your drift, I have never stuck my man sausage in an electric plug socket but I can certainly have an opinion on it...this largely comes down to that old question that applies to many different things...how do you know if you haven't tried it?

For me if you have sex then your opinion will be based on personal experience but as everyones experiences on sex is quite different, then all it will be is a better informed opinion on how it was for you. I think it helps to understand sex better if you have had sex BUT the idea you have to have sex at all to understand sex is not correct.

I had sex today with a male friend. It wasn't horrible sex, I wasnt attracted to him sexually anyway but I liked him emotionally so I thought we would be fine. I was so terribly wrong after it all we lay in bed awkwardly unable to look at each other because I had admitted I had no interest in the sex.

It may surprise that some who have sex for the first time can come away with both parties afterwards saying..what is all the fuss about, is that it? In many ways some also say "I'm glad I tried it, but It's not for me"...sex is built up by some as this big hoo har thing when in truth..sex biologically is for breeding but as humans we have also used it for pleasure, pain, torture, controlling and so many things beyond its basic purpose....if you felt comfortable having sex with this person, you tried it and it isn't for you then fair play

I think his ego took a hit and so did mine. I hoped somewhere deep inside of me that maybe sex would fix me, make me normal, but I'm still the same person I was before.

This is perfectly normal as you think..is it me that made the sex so meh, am I broken etc..in truth none of the above..you tried something, it wasn't for you so for now or until you personally want to revisit it..then that is it...don't over think this.

as to the rest..sexual repulsion, anti sexual or even sexual apathy are not traits that mean you are asexual...so hold fast with labels...labels these days seem to be more of a restrictive thing than a freeing thing

Many of those asexuals who have relationships tend to have them with sexuals, some asexuals find relationships with other asexuals but that is just one part of any relationship...compatibility and working hard for the relationship is more important than the sex part...of those asexuals who do have sex it has almost always been to please a partner..but this must be a two way street with both partners trying to respect each other and find a half way place for both

Love..trust me when I say this..asexuals can be as passionate in love as any other ..mostly because our need within a relationship is not based on sexual attraction..we absolutely want to be loved as much as our sexual counterparts..we have only one difference but for everything else we are the same

In regards to the world being sexually obsessed...I have never felt it is..sure 99.9% are sexuals but..not all sexuals think sex is the be all and end all..most have everyday things to worry about that push sex well down the list...education, bills, debt, cars, employment, accomodation, friends, etc etc....my point is that the claim about the world is sexually obsessed tends to be more by those who do not do it..rather than those who do....don't worry what the world is doing

But even so how can I hope to find anyone to give me the time of day when I wont have sex with them. When there can be no compromise. I cant ask anyone to give up sex for me.

A lot of sexuals aren't keen on sex either..sure it does make it harder to find someone who doesn't want sex but that isn't what asexuality is..asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and not the lack of ability or the lack of doing it

the key here I think is honesty at the beginning....for me personally..when I have felt a freindship could possibly start to become a relationship then you have to be honest but also be prepared to compromise..if you go into any relationship saying this is me take it or leave it...that isn't a relationship..that is one person controlling another

the key here is to be honest about what and who you feel you are..listen then to what and who they feel they are..see if there are commmon goals you can meet on and if not, are there grounds you can be flexible on and of course some points that are simply a no no...from that a relationship can be built or..honestly left alone...honest communication makes a relationship work most of the time..but also don't take it personally if it doesn't work...life is very much a long book...and the events of your life maybe the main story but...most of the inputs will be small paragraphs within chapters

I hope that gives you one view on your story so far? and again...welcome


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