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Identifying my aromance and asexuality

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 11:02 am
by spinfields123
I could really do with some help. I have merely stated "oh I'm straight" but actually it's not that simple and I haven't realised that until recently :lol:

A few days ago I was googling about asexuality and whether it was possible to "become" asexual, turns out it isn't in most circumstances but I remember earlier in the year I believe, at least to some extent, that I lost all attraction to girls for about a week and was wondering if there was a way to stay like that in the long term, I won't go into reasons as to why I wanted to become asexual as it's even messier and it steers away from the actual purpose of me writing this post but I was kinda desperate at the time involving my perception of life mixed with a little depression.

So my curiosity lead me to find out that there is a very broad meaning of asexuality, and in the basic meaning of the word, it simply means "no sexual attraction to anyone". Now I'm old enough to know that I'm not simply asexual, there are different terms which branch off and it's all dependent of which situations you do/don't feel attraction, so I think I am a greysexual because of that. But that's only a small part of my post as the bigger issue I have is the aromance part.

To be an aromantic is to not have a romantic attraction to anyone. Now again, I am not totally sure if I am or aren't an aromantic. I believe this because I have thought back at all the girls I have been attracted to in the past and comparing how I felt about them with how I feel about friends in general, and to be honest, I couldn't come up with many differences in feelings. I was trying to think of what makes them different to each other and I couldn't really find out what they were :unsure: this made me feel, only slightly worried but mostly confused and looked further for answers. I came across the term "quoiromantic" which means " people who cannot differentiate between platonic and romantic attraction, cannot define romantic attraction and therefore are not sure if they experience it, experience attraction somewhere between romantic and platonic, or want to be in a queerplatonic relationship." I could also be a queerplatonic, I mean, I haven't felt (what I thought was) romantic or sexual feelings towards guys etc. (does this mean anything concerning labelling myself, idk). But then I could also be alterous. Someone who defines themselves as alterous made this post which I also feel I relate to:
alterous attraction is a sort of gray area between platonic and romantic attraction. It's defined as "described as wanting emotional closeness without necessarily being (at all or entirely) platonic &/or romantic". You can have a romantic or platonic orientation and be alterous. For example, I'm grey-romantic but pan-alterous.

For me, being alterous means that when I meet someone new, I don't necessarily have the "oh you're cool, let's be friends" reaction. It's more of a "oh wow, I feel this super cool emotional connection with you, can I get to know you more and make that stronger?". All of my friendships are really emotions-based and deeper in a lot of ways than typical friendships. I guess it's sort of like the emotional closeness of a romantic relationship, but with the physical aspects of a platonic one.
Well, it doesn't really matter which word to label myself as, I don't see myself saying to everyone I meet "oh I'm a heterogreysexual quoiromantic" etc. (I'll just say I'm straight unless something develops, which I'll explain in a bit) But terms do help in terms of me finding out how to approach life and maybe finding people like me to help answer questions etc.

The idea of dating kinda terrifies me a bit, ngl, I just don't think it's "me", perhaps this could be a sign that I am one of those terms I mentioned above :thinking: I don't want my anxiety or empathy to cloud my judgement over where I fit. Perhaps I just don't have enough experience and I'm just a standard hetero, but there's no doubt I fit the definitions of quiro, alterous and queerplatonic. It could also be that I haven't found "the one" yet, but I'm not sure if that's what I'm looking for. Yeah I do like to be in my own company but there's a part of me that wouldn't mind a partner of sorts. There are couples who aren't actually "together" but do live together non-sexually/non-romantically, I guess it's like really close friends living together without the whole marriage/kids thing, perhaps that's the kind of thing that suits me, but this sort of relationship is so rare and I'm not too hopeful I'll ever meet someone like that (finding someone who relates to me is rare enough :lol: ) I just don't want to keep meeting people and thinking I'm in love when I'm not, I'm so confused lmao, ignoring these feelings is perhaps the best thing to do for both parties, but the frustration is still there.

Re: Identifying my aromance and asexuality

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 4:08 pm
by spinfields123
I came across the term demisexual but I don't think that applies to me as much as the other ones I mentioned although putting those aside it kinda does (I just feel like I'm subconsciously "making" myself apply to every label now ugh, wtfff)

I can suppress my thoughts on this topic as sexuality is mostly private and I have more important issues etc. but obviously when a "candidate" should come around this is where I'm unsure what to do (although I don't have this problem very often for anxiety and paranoia reasons) I suppose I should just start a friendship, then if I suspect/she tells me she wants something more I'd probably have to explain pretty much these essays and if she feels comfortable with that, or she just would rather disappear from my life, forever, and make me feel like shit. Oh and all this aside, I would always have had a fear in a relationship when something happens to put it to a halt, like she finds out something about me she doesn't like or whatever and I just feel like hiding in a box feeling miserable, there's one thing to "live in the adventure" and take risks but it's not so easy for emotionally sensitive people like me who don't take that kind of loss easily ☠️

Re: Identifying my aromance and asexuality

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2016 8:36 am
by spinfields123
I just find it interesting to know how many others are like me although it's great to have that sense of uniqueness, it's still a good feeling to find out you're not alone (another thing I like to do which kinda started a few years ago, thinking there was very few people who were like me until I became a regular on forums discussing life topics which deffo helped in my perception and of life etc. and depression)

I could also be
Autochorisromantic/Aegoromantic - Is someone who enjoys the idea of romance, but not wishing to be a participant in romantic activities (based off of autochorissexual / a disconnection between oneself and a romantic target or fantasy).
Frayromantic has also applied to me too in the past, but more in my earlier years and would also probably relate to quiromance. I know I have had recipromantic relationships before, in my earlier years (so messy tho :///) I also came across a term the other day which meant one love-like feeling but for everyone, seems pretty cool and something I could see myself becoming one day :heart:

Again I know labels aren't anything other than stats obsession just personal satisfaction I just think it's fun that no matter what you think might be different about you, there are millions of others who have also recorded there feelings and experiences on the interwebs :D

Re: Identifying my aromance and asexuality

Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 6:16 pm
by CatBunny
I'm being very blunt but there are a lot of terms out there that I think are just fancier terms for queer, questioning or people who confuse their anxiety and their sexuality or over describe something that already has a term for it. Like galaxygender is just fancier term for agender because galaxies don't have genders. Demisexual I know is a real thing but a term invented because you're afraid of romance is more of a psychological thing. Aromance is not experiencing romantic attraction. It is not fearing it or afraid to go through with it or afraid of human interaction. I think you might just be confused at this point and that's perfectly fine, you can identify as ace/aro queer or questioning aro or wait. You don't have to find an identity right away, it takes time. Also as someone with a mental illness I think you need acknowledge how that can affect one's judgement.

Re: Identifying my aromance and asexuality

Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 6:30 pm
by KAGU143
I miss the little "thanks" buttons that we had on the previous software.

So . . . consider your post "thanked" :D

Re: Identifying my aromance and asexuality

Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 3:15 am
by michaels
I can understand the attraction (pun intended) of having a single, pithy word you can use to cement your own view of yourself, but it can be a trap. People are too complex to be summarized in one word, and we never completely know ourselves anyway. Back on AVEN I came to be a proponent of abolishing labels altogether, and my mind hasn't changed about that. I still call myself asexual because it simplifies communication, but I certainly don't think of myself as monolithic. There are too many crucial details that don't fit neatly into just one word, and I'm sure that's the case with everyone else as well. In any case, words are useful when communicating with others, but can be detrimental if they become a way for us to communicate with ourselves as if we were others to ourselves.

Nobody asked me for advice, your life and be yourself to the extent reality permits it. Nobody has a complete understanding of their own complexities, so you're perfectly normal. :)