Relationships vs relationships.

General discussion about relationship issues.
User avatar
Olivier
Regular Member
Posts: 139
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:19 am

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby Olivier » Wed Jan 30, 2008 9:23 pm

ghosts wrote:I find it interesting that you'd put your kids in the "Relationship" category, though. The impression that I've gotten from some other people in this thread and elsewhere is that they wouldn't quite fit in that category.

Well kids probably deserve a category of their own, because what you feel towards them really is unique - while the love is similarly unconditional as for a romantic partner it's far more protective. With kids, dependency isn't the negative that it is with a partner. But there are two reasons I felt perfectly comfortable putting those relationships in the "R" box.

The first is the fact that my relationships with my kids share that unconditionality - that total depth - that I share with my wife. There's a similar degree of trust, disclosure, shared humour and respect, and probably an even greater degree of solidarity - all things that make an "R" relationship for me.

Secondly, I think that sex has precisely nothing to do with differentiating relationships from Relationships. It's easy to feel a deep connection without sex, and even easier to have sex without a deep connection. While sex may be an important part of many adult Relationships, it's just not a defining characteristic for me at all, so there's not the barrier to including kids that some might feel.

Witch of Wapping
New Member
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2008 3:24 pm

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby Witch of Wapping » Sun Feb 17, 2008 4:33 am

I know nobody posted in this thread for ages (Sorry! Necromancy is only a minor offence when the whole board is this new, right? :/ ) but I've been thinking about it a lot, though I'll probably repeat what has already been said. I'm certainly with those who want the boundary "line" between romantic partnerships and other deep relationships much fuzzier.

I don't want to take away from the feelings of people in romantic partnerships and families, or from what is actually being said here. I just get a bit irrational and defensive around this, as if our parents' worldview, in which all people form couples and families, and that is the universal, only and proper way to feel like a fully loveable human being, keeps regrouping. Before I get wrist-slapped for self-pity, I actually do feel like a fully loveable human being, but my close family are all dead and my past sexual/romantic relationships always had fuzzier boundaries with my community of friends. So what ghosts said - the line is where you want it to be. The inadequacy of language comes in here somewhere, not only around "relationship" but around "friend", which has infinite layers of meaning. My friends, the ones I love deeply, are my people.

Like this:

Gadfly-in-Chief wrote:
ghosts wrote:The "just friends" part gets to me as always, because it minimizes the importance of a particular relationship.


There are people who think I and the non-relative I am closest to are lovers/in a Relationship. But no. What's going on between us is no mere Relationship. We're friends.

User avatar
Carsonspire
New Member
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Jan 19, 2008 6:17 pm

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby Carsonspire » Wed Feb 20, 2008 11:43 am

I can't help but think how Anglocentric this discussion is (for obvious, necessary reasons of communication). In some languages, such as German, all nouns are capitalized and thus the discussion of R/relationships becomes a moot point. In German, the differentiation is made between "a" friend (= relationship) and "my" friend (= Relationship). I wonder: do people feel more possession over others with whom they have a Relationship vs. a relationship?

User avatar
spin
Regular Member
Posts: 229
Joined: Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:56 am

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby spin » Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:20 pm

It really is semantics, and every language has its weaknesses. With all the excess vocabulary English has, you'd think it'd have better terminology to talk about love, friendship and relationships, wouldn't you?

I do think that romantic/central/'R"elationships are more possessive, though not necessarily in a jealous sense. It's more about affinity than ownership, to me. One way I think about my closest relationships is that I've internalized them, and think of them as extensions of myself. I'm happy, angry, embarrassed etc for them. I'm protective of them. But I don't feel any rights over them (or vice versa), unless they're mutually negotiated.

But, as I mentioned in the "what do you call your relationships" thread, I do refer to special people as "mine."

User avatar
Shockwave
Regular Member
Posts: 117
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2008 6:46 pm

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby Shockwave » Wed Feb 20, 2008 11:59 pm

spin wrote:With all the excess vocabulary English has, you'd think it'd have better terminology to talk about love, friendship and relationships, wouldn't you?


Very true...but terms only reflect what's in people's minds. When people come up with better concepts of love, friendship and relationships they find the terminology to describe it.

User avatar
spin
Regular Member
Posts: 229
Joined: Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:56 am

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby spin » Sun Mar 02, 2008 6:10 pm

New criterion: it's a Relationship when he asks if you'd like to meet his folks.

User avatar
Dargon
Mega Member
Posts: 516
Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2008 7:34 pm

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby Dargon » Sun Mar 02, 2008 8:36 pm

spin wrote:New criterion: it's a Relationship when he asks if you'd like to meet his folks.


Wow, in that case I am such a whore.

User avatar
Olivier
Regular Member
Posts: 139
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:19 am

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby Olivier » Sun Mar 02, 2008 9:42 pm

spin wrote:New criterion: it's a Relationship when he asks if you'd like to meet his folks.

When I was young, I was (I'm assured :)) the boy every mum wanted their daughter to go out with or marry. I met so many girls' parents :roll:. Funny thing is, that in more than one case I remained friends with the mothers long after losing touch with the girls themselves.

Kez
New Member
Posts: 33
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:13 pm

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby Kez » Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:29 am

Ooh, yes spins, that is a Relationship moment.

User avatar
Shockwave
Regular Member
Posts: 117
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2008 6:46 pm

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby Shockwave » Mon Mar 17, 2008 6:35 am

It is?

Ummm . . .

User avatar
spin
Regular Member
Posts: 229
Joined: Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:56 am

Re: Relationships vs relationships.

Postby spin » Mon Mar 17, 2008 12:30 pm

It depends on context, of course. I've met many peoples' parents without it having significance. But in a romantic relationship where meeting the other's folks would be outside of your normal social circuit. . .yeah.

Here's one for nonromantic r/Relationships. . .every so often I'm reminded that all of my dearest friends have other people they consider "best friends" or at least someone who, much as they love me, they consider closer than me. And I realize that while fella is definitely a good friend, I don't think of him as my closest except circumstantially.

It doesn't devalue our r/Relationships, it just feels weird when I think about it.