Asking for support/who's on your list?

General discussion about relationship issues.
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spin
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Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby spin » Tue May 20, 2008 3:09 pm

Asking for help or support is something I have a lot of trouble with in nearly all my friendships and relationships. I don't want to seem needy or burden other people with my problems, so I try to tough out whatever I've got going on. In the end, I realize that this hurts me and the people who want to help me. While puzzling out how to ask for the help I need without feeling bad about it, I've been trying to figure out who I feel comfortable going to for emotional support.

Who's at the top of your list of people? This doesn't have to mean this person's the most important in your life, it's a combination of closeness, dependability, trust, etc. But who would you call in the middle of the night, what's your relationship, and why them?

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Olivier
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Olivier » Tue May 20, 2008 4:43 pm

This is going to be a bit boring, but in every case it's my wife. Even if the problem is with our relationship - or even especially then - she's the person I go to. When bringing up problems about our relationship is a bad idea (bad timing, likely to be taken the wrong way, etc) I either sit on it for a while, or bring them up anyway. Sometimes that leads to conflict, but we never really get the feeling we're keeping things from each other.

In an absolute crisis where I couldn't do that, I have four other friends who I would trust with anything - and I mean anything - and know that I would get only support and useful (and brutally honest) advice. One is an old schoolfriend who is now the godfather of our kids, and another my wife's best friend (and the kids' godmother). The third is a friend with whom I have that strange relationship where even though live a thousand miles apart and we talk only a couple of times a year, we're incredibly close. Even though he's the furthest away, he's the one that would come fastest if I really needed it. And locally I have a very good friend whose daughter is my daughter's best friend, and who would automatically understand that if I rang him at 3am it was for a reason. All four would probably rate on my wife's list as well, for what it's worth.

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Emmarainbow
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Emmarainbow » Tue May 20, 2008 5:19 pm

My best friends here - one will hug me a lot and care a great deal about my position and emote. The other will actually give brutal, honest advice to get me out of whatever shit I've got myself into.

My best friends at home, for when the ones here are not available would do everything they could for me, but I'm not as close to them.

And my mum, cos... she's my mum! We get on really well, and we understand each other. We've got a planned chat for when I get home, to properly explain what I'm at in terms with ase-ness and get my dad to come round to the idea.

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Wed May 21, 2008 9:06 am

that's a good question.
thinking about it, the only person I can think is a pen pal. we already dump on each other quiet a bit, but we have the same kind of humour so we know whether to take the other seriously or not.
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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ily
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby ily » Wed May 21, 2008 3:48 pm

That's a good question. It's a big problem for me. I am constantly telling my mom about my various issues, but I know she has her own and I don't want to be a burden on her. I try to tell my friends, with varying degrees of success. I've always been a fairly secretive person, so asking for help is kind of out of character.
But my mom is #1. I really don't know what I'd do without her, which is kind of scary, but I feel incredibly grateful to have a mom like her.

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Dargon
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Dargon » Wed May 21, 2008 4:38 pm

I know I am the odd one out here, but I have found that 99% of the time it is best for me to keep it bottled.

Or maybe it's just that when I need support, my closest friends are tobacco and alcohol ;)

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Wed May 21, 2008 5:48 pm

:sick: eww.. tobacco?! but nothing wrong with a good stiff drink. besides bottling it up is what real men do, push it down down, into our bowels where it sits and ferments and causes prostate cancer. but really, for every problem I share with my pen pal, I keep 10 more to myself.
Bottoms up! :drink: :thumb:
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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ily
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby ily » Wed May 21, 2008 7:31 pm

Oh yeah, how could I forget drowning my sorrows! :lol: But alcohol is a depressant...

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Thu May 22, 2008 10:11 am

ily wrote:Oh yeah, how could I forget drowning my sorrows! :lol: But alcohol is a depressant...

only in excess, in the right amount it improves sociablity, renders the dull, interesting; the foul, comely and improves coding skills to the point where they become 'skilz'.
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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Olivier
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Olivier » Thu May 22, 2008 2:44 pm

Noskcaj.Llahsram wrote:
ily wrote:Oh yeah, how could I forget drowning my sorrows! :lol: But alcohol is a depressant...

only in excess, in the right amount it improves sociablity, renders the dull, interesting; the foul, comely and improves coding skills to the point where they become 'skilz'.

Off topic, but that last bit reminds me so much of this :)

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Thu May 22, 2008 4:45 pm

that's exactly what I was referencing :rofl:
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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Emmarainbow
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Emmarainbow » Fri May 23, 2008 5:31 am

Ah xkcd... :mrgreen:

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Placebo
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Placebo » Sat May 24, 2008 6:59 pm

It kinda depends.

For general venting, emotional/interpersonal difficulties with other people of some sort, it'd have to be my mom and sometimes also a good friend of mine from college.

For general venting about my job/boss/classes (ah, the life of a graduate student) . . . it's usually a couple of my closer friends and classmates.

Actually, for my currently closest relationship (the one with the sexual elements), if we're having problems the only person we can talk it over with is each other. So far that works OK, because everything seems to bubble out eventually, but since none of my other friends or mom know quite HOW deep our friendship is, there's no one else I really talk to that one about (except you guys, ironically enough. ;) )

If I needed to call someone in the middle of the night, it would possibly be my sister--she's always up, anyway. Or my mom, depending on the problem. But if I needed help from someone in my immediate area, like a ride to/from somewhere, it'd be one of my classmates or my (sexual) friend. Although really, if all I needed was a ride, I'd probably call a cab. :) I'm OK with sort of venting to people and listening to people vent, no problem there. . . but actually asking them to DO something? There I usually have more trouble. I don't like to physically inconvenience them.
"Now it's right for me to be me."

Phil Halvorsen, from "The [Widget], the [Wadget], and Boff" (Theodore Sturgeon)

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schizoid
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby schizoid » Sun Nov 16, 2008 9:38 am

I also suck at asking for help/support. I don't want to burden people with my minor (or not-so-minor) problems since I'm sure they have their own stuff and I even feel that they wouldn't be interested in my problems.

But... who do I go to? That depends mainly on the problem. But I also know that there are a few people I can call up in the middle of the night if I feel the need to. One of them is my mom, another person's my best friend. And then there's my cousin, who I actually have called in the middle of the night when one of my dogs was acting really weird.
Image

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yogachick
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby yogachick » Sat May 02, 2009 3:05 pm

It is very difficult for me to ask for help or open up to people. I try to shoulder the stuff on my own, but the burden can get heavy. I confide in my best friend and another friend who I feel "safe" baring my insides to.

Trust is earned so it takes time to establish a relationship where openness is comfortable.

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ily
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby ily » Sun May 03, 2009 10:39 am

Well, it's not a person, but for me, writing is a fairly good form of support when there's no one around to talk to. Getting thoughts out on paper, rather than just letting them swirl around in my head, usually helps.

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Sciatrix
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Sciatrix » Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:39 pm

I've never had many friends, but I've always had good ones. Five of them I would trust with my life and my secrets; of those, three live close enough to me that I would feel no qualms about calling them in the middle of the night for help with anything, if it were serious enough. (The other two live approximately a thousand miles away, so the things I ask of them are of necessity limited mostly to emotional support.) I also have three other long-distance friends I vent to about problems, daily life, and all, but I'm not quite as close to them as I am to the others.

If I was in need of physical help, I'd certainly call my parents, but I just don't tell them much about my day-to-day life these days, partly because we're all bad at phone calls and letters and partly because they're both wrapped up in the stresses of their jobs and my other siblings at the moment. So I do feel more emotionally reliant on my friends these days--especially given some pretty huge fights with my mother in particular over the summer, when I felt like I got a lot of emotional support and help from all of them.

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Fri Aug 14, 2009 8:50 pm

I'm sad to say I've fallen out of contact with my pen pal. But I'm making inroads on a friend in my time zone, so huzzah.
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

whiteroses
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby whiteroses » Tue Dec 29, 2009 1:49 pm

In most cases, I usually turn to my parents, and two close friends.
I have noticed, however, that one of those two friends has somewhat distanced herself from me since I told her of my asexuality not so long ago.

Roy
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Roy » Tue Dec 29, 2009 3:39 pm

I'm afraid I do not get these concepts of "support" (at least not in this context). I often hear the term "emotional support", but I am at a loss as to what this means, or why some people find it so valuable. Is it really just as easy as patting someone on the back and saying "there, there" ?

Now, if you mean financial support, the internet is my one true friend there :D

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Asking for support/who's on your list?

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Thu Dec 31, 2009 8:34 pm

the internet cut me off after it caught me cheating on it with the local darknet :'(
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.