Sexual and Asexual

[Gwen_09]

I am a sexual female in a friendship with an asexual male. I am enjoying the level of emotional, mental and intellectual bond that is growing. I understand where he is coming from and what he is and is not interested in. But there is a part of the friendship that seems more and I am not reading mixed signals because neither one of us are giving off mixed signals or playing games at all. We are pretty much just enjoying one another's company without any problems. I am just wondering if there is something more I should be doing to nuture the relationship or is this just how it should be? I feel a closeness growing on a level that feels good and there are no problems. I do however have sexual attraction for this person and am trying to deal with it considering it is not what he probably wants to do at this point and I'm not confused about it. It doesn't make me sad that he doesn't want to, it doesn't mess with my self esteem, I just respect his feelings. I'm kinda dealing more with my growing feelings, and I am not interested in putting them on him. But I am not sure if I am doing it right or not. We get along well and I see an enduring friendship happening, but I do not see anything exclusive or whatever, I mean I don't see that at all and it is not an issue that I am thinking about. He's a wonderful, true, honest, funny, unusual, out of the box person. I just want to be a part of his life in a way that is comfortable for him and for me. I'm not hung up about not having sex. It seems like we can have the potential to create intimacy anyhow and it's actually nice. I'm comfortable where we are at currently. I mean really, if your child doesn't like to eat broccoli, are you going to make them eat it and then if they really say they have no interest in ever eating broccoli, would you get mad and wonder what you did wrong to contribute to why your child doesn't want to eat broccoli? No. My friend and I are different but not so much, this is what is great about us as friends. He's a very good friend and we both like each other and also care on a friendship level. I think I'm just asking for any experience of a sexual creature having a wonderful friendship filled with good stuff not centered around sex with an asexual creature and how the two can share a meaningful bond without sex. I think it has to do with mutual respect, to be honest. I believe that it can be incredibly true to fall for someone because they are real, regardless of if sex is involved, or not. I would only like to be fond of this person and not to fall at least not now and certainly not if it is unrequited. I believe an emotional bond can be powerful. I know how attachment hormones work biologically in sex and that they can be strong. However, I wonder if they are present as strongly on an intellectual level. Like when someone is really there for you and genuinely cares about what happens to you as a person. I have strong family and friend bonds that endure daily, I am nonjudgmental of any orientation, lest I be judged as well. This relationship matters to me. I perhaps should just let it develop and have fun on its own course. Please share your thoughts should any come up. Thank you. Sincerely,

[Noskcaj.Llahsram]

I've always been of the school of thought that you should just talk with him about what you want out of the relationship, but even if I'm not the best individual on this topic, I'd like to say welcome; and I'm sure the rest of the gang will be around to drop there two cents shortly
-ciao

[Dargon]

To be quite blunt here, I really don't see what the issue here at all is. It sounds to me like you have a great friendship that you are both happy with. Being asexual, I can not relate to having sexual attraction in my relationships, however, it sounds to me like you are rather content leaving that out. Perhaps I am simply misinterpreting what you are saying, but it sounds to me like you already have a happy, healthy friendship.

[Nathan]

Congratulations on finding someone to share that sort of connection with. A question to think about is, what do you mean by the word "friendship" in your post? For most people, I think, a friendship does not require sex, and so “having a wonderful friendship filled with good stuff not centered around sex with an asexual creature” would be just the same as a wonderful friendship with a sexual creature. But in the situation you're writing about, something would be different if that person weren't asexual, or else you wouldn't be posting here! You ask if everything is “just how it should be” – I don't think there's any standard way you “should” be involved with somebody, so if you're getting everything you want from your current connection, then, that's great.

But if you aren't, I think you need to figure out what you DO want from this relationship. What would change if the other person were sexual? Honestly, since you say “there is a part of the friendship that seems more,” since you ask “how the two can share a meaningful bond without sex,” and simply since you are writing to the board about the relationship even though there are “no problems,” I get the impression that you are thinking about the sort of intimate, committed, shared-life sort of connection usually considered a dating or romantic relationship. [I'm sorry if that's not what you're getting at...if it's not, well, maybe somebody else will find the rest of this interesting!] It is certainly possible to have that sort of relationship with an asexual person. And it is possible for an asexual person to fall for you in every way except sexually, so if you did fall for the person there's no reason it would necessarily be unrequited.

I think the first question to think about there is how a dating relationship for you differs from being plain ol' friends with somebody, and what part sex/sexuality plays in that. Most of the differences, I think, are not specifically related to sexuality; although sex is often a part of those differences it does not have to be. And, what does sex mean to you, and what do you get out of it? Figure out if there are other ways to get those meaningful things you get out of sex.

Basically, if you want something to change, you probably should talk to each other and see what you're both thinking here. And if you do end up becoming more involved with each other, keeping those lines of communication open is essential. Talking about a/sexuality itself is important too, so you can both understand where the other person is coming from, as long as you're both comfortable with that. And through that communication, you may find there are sexual things the other person is completely okay with, or will participate in infrequently, regardless of how that person feels about intercourse itself. And just as (I hope) many of the qualities sex brings to a relationship for you can be gotten in other ways, an asexual person may get something out of sexual interactions, even if it's not something specifically sexual.

The sexual outlook and the asexual outlook are both equally valid, and neither person should feel obligated to put up with something such that it's distressing to them, whether that's having sex or having no sex, or whatever else. If there's no middle ground to be found, well, that's probably the time to change the relationship or change what you're looking to get out of the relationship to something where both people are satisfied.

I hope I haven't taken your original question on a wild tangent. Stick around the forum, and of course feel free to post here or elsewhere if you like. Good luck!