Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

General discussion about relationship issues.
renaxdxdxd
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Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby renaxdxdxd » Sat Oct 22, 2011 5:29 pm

Relationship between asexuals is possible :)

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby renaxdxdxd » Sat Oct 22, 2011 5:30 pm

LIfe without sex!

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby renaxdxdxd » Sat Oct 22, 2011 5:30 pm

only true love or friendship

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FalconEagle
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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby FalconEagle » Wed Nov 16, 2011 5:49 pm

What?

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KAGU143
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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby KAGU143 » Wed Nov 16, 2011 6:36 pm

I am not entirely sure, TBH, Falcon eagle.
I was given a heads-up regarding this new member, because there was the feeling over at AVEN that they are a spammer or possibly a troll. (Although, if they are a troll they are not the highly articulate type that is so much fun to debate.)
I'm going to withhold judgement for the moment.

Rena, you are, of course, entitled to your opinion, but I know of several very "real" asexuals who are extremely happy in their relationships with sexuals. Different people have different priorities when it comes to relationships.
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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby PiF » Thu Nov 17, 2011 1:30 am

rena in the other place does exactly the same thing..will not be seen for weeks then floods every forum with the exact same thread..not sure why?

as to the content..asexuality whilst being an important part is not the only part of a relationship.. so whilst i appreciate on one subject it is hard..or not pardon the pun..the real difficulties within a relationship in general..are compatability..and not just can you do the pelvic mumba

most of my partnerships wether long or short term have been with sexuals and honestly disclosing my asexuality upfront was always a must

the only time i had an issue was when..i would be part of a relationships where the woman had said..i wish i could find a man who didn't wan't sex..which often turned out to be..i want to find a man who will have sex with me when i want and not when he wants :|

just having two asexuals in a relationship does not guarranty a relationship..compatability however gives it a far better chance
Last edited by PiF on Thu Nov 17, 2011 9:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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KAGU143
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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby KAGU143 » Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:00 am

Well said, PiF.
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby Dargon » Thu Nov 17, 2011 9:23 pm

I let this one stay because while I was suspicious as to it being a spammer or a troll, it also didn't clearly violate the ToS, so I just decided to wait and see what happened.

PiF wrote:..i want to find a man who will have sex with me when i want and not when he wants ...


This goes into a somewhat unrelated vein, but I found this part interesting. mainly because it seems to me to capture the a notion that seemed prevalent at AVEN that rather boggled my mind. The notion of "I don't understand why my sexual significant other won't respect my orientation and never have sex with me." It's the exact same scenario, only "when I want" is "never." and when they want is "sometimes."

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby Nyxks » Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:13 pm

I was with a fellow asexual for a time (5 years) and it was good but it wasn't a relationship that was going anywhere what so ever - we didn't have enough in common to be able to be other then basic friends.

For some that might be all that is needed, but for some of us its not enough we need a connection to a partner for a relationship be take place at a deeper level, my husband isn't asexual hir is very much sexual - but hir knows I have little to no interest in sex so knows to ask for it when the need arrises and if its within reason it happens.

I am very happy and in love with hir with all that I am, but it doesn't mean that I've stopped being asexual because that isn't the case I just happen to be one who has found a life partner who fits into my life as I fit into hirs life.
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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby PiF » Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:16 am

Dargon wrote:I let this one stay because while I was suspicious as to it being a spammer or a troll, it also didn't clearly violate the ToS, so I just decided to wait and see what happened.

PiF wrote:..i want to find a man who will have sex with me when i want and not when he wants ...


This goes into a somewhat unrelated vein, but I found this part interesting. mainly because it seems to me to capture the a notion that seemed prevalent at AVEN that rather boggled my mind. The notion of "I don't understand why my sexual significant other won't respect my orientation and never have sex with me." It's the exact same scenario, only "when I want" is "never." and when they want is "sometimes."


rena is a spammer troll but as you point out is not going outside the tos..they do it in a few asexual forums but appreciate your keeping an eye on it

as to the second part..I have often bit at people when they seem to say..hey i am asexual and i don't care that you are my partner and are sexual..you will meet me all the way and not half as would be fair...don't get involved with a sexual if you aren't prepared to meet them halfway I have always felt

the "when they want comment" has been a reflection of my own life certianly in that I am a very sex posiitive asexual

the dating pool of asexuals is very slim pickings indeed even more so as you get older as real asexuals get less and less.well visible anyway

my own personal experience from the women I have dated ..and there has been quite a few... is that most were pressured or felt they were pressured into having sex and most times not when they wanted but when thier man wanted..then along comes mr nice asexual..yes i can be nice :lol: ..and they say...oooo where were you 20 years ago..i would love to date a man who didn't want or need sex

so we date..they generally respect the first few months as do I and perhaps a shag a month is a good halfway point..that then starts to be innuendo here, suggestion there, touching here etc and the once a month say becomes a need for more than that from those ladies..quite often using they..see you can do it and you don't mind doing it so lets do it some more

and from that..I have found from most sexual women i have dated who have used the ..thank god a man who doesn't want sex..what they have actually meant is..thank god i have found a man who doesn't want sex all the time and i will decide when sex happens not the man

inevitably this had led to many many relationships for me...where the lack of sex was a huge bonus at the beginning and often the instigator for the lady...only to turn around and also be the cause of the end

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby flergalwit » Sat Nov 26, 2011 5:21 am

That's why I have never been tempted to date sexual women. I am simply not prepared to compromise at all - whatsoever. I'd prefer to be single forever.

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby renaxdxdxd » Fri Nov 02, 2012 4:14 pm

oh people I didn't want to say anything bad,I just think,that it's normal,that couple of 2 aexual people or 2 sexual will agree better than asexual with sexual.lol

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby Litterborn » Mon Nov 05, 2012 12:16 pm

No sex sounds awesome. For a while (as I frequented sites like AVEN) I mistakenly thought I could find such a bond just as easily as sexual people find sexual relationships. Also, the fact that I am a man, and I had heard so many complaints from women against the perverted pigs that most men supposedly were, gave me the impression that my lack of sexuality would be welcomed with open arms. Now, however, I share flergalwit's depressingly realistic approach.

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KAGU143
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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby KAGU143 » Wed Nov 07, 2012 10:50 am

Don't give up too easily, Litterborn.
An asexual man with a good grasp of human nature and the willingness to provide the emotional support that other people need will have no problem finding a partner. I would actually bet money on that ... (That is, if I had any to spare. :P)

There is a lot more to any relationship than sex. In fact, even among sexuals I think it is a lot less important than they realize.
People need to be accepted for what they are rather than for what they could be if they would only _____(fill in)_____.
That and emotional validation are the greatest of all human needs. (Aside from the animal needs of the flesh.) The two are, in fact, very closely related.
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Litterborn
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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby Litterborn » Wed Nov 07, 2012 10:52 pm

KAGU143 wrote:Don't give up too easily, Litterborn.
An asexual man with a good grasp of human nature and the willingness to provide the emotional support that other people need will have no problem finding a partner. I would actually bet money on that ... (That is, if I had any to spare. :P)

The cynical side of me is very tempted to label this as wishful thinking - no offense meant, just my natural reaction -, but as with the cat issue on the other thread, you must have seen a completely different side of people than I have. No problem finding a partner? Well... I don't claim to be good at understanding or supporting people myself, but I've known people who definitely are, and they've had a much harder time finding a matching partner than other people do - especially from their late 20s onwards. I'm curious about what kind of experiences or observations have led you to think the way you do (and by that I don't mean to question your claims, there would be no point to that; I'm just interested in a complementary POV).

KAGU143 wrote:There is a lot more to any relationship than sex. In fact, even among sexuals I think it is a lot less important than they realize.
People need to be accepted for what they are rather than for what they could be if they would only _____(fill in)_____.

I know what you mean! The checklist-type mindsets you speak of are a great example of people going about validation the wrong way. I really doubt that people can't be happy with a partner who doesn't fullfill every single requirement in their checklist; chances are they just place an incredibly high number of demands just to feel important, just to make sure they don't have less than their friends. After all, feeling any less special than a Hollywood celebrity has become something to be ashamed of. Acknowledging how small and ephemeral we really are? Big no-no.

However I do acknowledge that people's flaws can be hard to deal with. People almost never come complete and pristine from childhood and adolescence, they often need some help to complete themselves. I guess a better approach would be "Love not what [they] art, only that which [they] may become" (paraphrased from a certain musical). Within reason, of course.

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby KAGU143 » Fri Nov 09, 2012 12:38 pm

:)
Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt. I really do believe that what I said is true, but it's not as easy as it might sound.
To explain it in detail would take a lot more time than I have available right now, but I might be able to condense the basic parts and fill in the rest later if anybody is interested.

The key is to understand the realities of human nature. Oddly enough, when you get right down to it, there is very little difference between the basic needs of the different genders.
Validation is the most basic emotional need, but it isn't easy to define exactly what it is - particularly since it can take different forms for different people and, to some extent, for different genders.
I will try to hit some validation high points, but this first draft will be very incomplete and probably not very organized. (Real life is interfering with me again. *sigh*)

It begins by listening to what the other person says and by accepting it as being entirely rational and correct within the parameters of that person's experience. Don't judge anybody's opinion as being wrong, even if your own experience has led you to exactly the opposite conclusion. If you naturally agree with them that is great, but, if you don't, then ask them how they came to their conclusions. Try to consider how they got to where they are, and remember that they can't possible tell you all of the factors that affected them and influenced their decisions. (They might not even know.)
In essence, When you converse with someone, especially someone new, always begin by agreeing with them about something and be willing to show respect for their ability to make sense of their world.

Let's do an experiment. (This will be a first for me! - I have never tried anything like this before, but who knows? It might be helpful, and, if not, we can try something else. I think that accurate communication is very important and worth the effort. ) So ...

Try to imagine someone who really annoys you. You know ... someone who comes across as a total ass, or a total bitch, or whatever. See if you can pinpoint what it is about them that bothers you the most. What quirk do they have that really drives you nuts?
No need to name names or provide any details, but if you can come up with something then post it and lets dissect it to see what it's made of.
It might be fun. Bring a pointy stick if you think that it would be helpful. (That's dissection humor - sorry. :oops: )
I will try to get back online later today if I can, but tomorrow is more likely.
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby Ragdollphysics » Fri Nov 16, 2012 12:48 am

i can perhaps see where the OP is coming from, one may have more happiness when with a partner who not only gets us but feels the same
however - don't read on if you are of a sensitive nature...

the cynical truth is humans are not designed for monogamy, diversity is key in nature
monogamy is a man-made construct and a prison for many

no couples are safe from the inevitable boredom we eventually all end up feeling
society & the media lie to us, there's no such thing as "love" there's a chemical and it wears off, that's all, simple

poly is a much more viable option - with other genuine poly ppl
i am not currently poly but as a pack animal, i see it's possibilities - in the right hands ofc
(i have way much more to say but time is short...)

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby ParaLLL » Fri Nov 16, 2012 1:21 am

But, if monogamy is a man-made construct, doesn't that mean that everyone is "genuine" poly (if not aware of it)?

Personally, I... haven't really been willing to put the time and stress into being sure, but I'd probably count as poly. Even with that, though, I think that love (monogamous or not) is entirely possible. An asexual-sexual pair might have one more obstacle to deal with, sure, but it's not a guarantee either way and, assuming that both (or all) people involved know that about asexuality and what it means and... well, that everyone does communicate, I don't think it would be as big of an issue as it would appear most of the time. It is one more potential thing that could cause problems, but that's just a risk of relationships. All relationships include issues that the people involved have to learn how to deal with and be aware of; no relationship will ever work well for long without the people involved having to communicate and share and figure out compromises. At least if I'm in a relationship with someone sexual, I (and, since I tend to be pretty immediately blunt about it, they) know in advance what one issue is that needs to be dealt with, and have some idea of how to figure out how to deal with it. Most problems in relationships would not come with nice advance warning like that.

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby KAGU143 » Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:04 pm

I think it's important to distinguish between emotional love and agape love.
I can't think of a better term for it right now, but what I mean is the kind of love which is a conscious choice and is outwardly expressed by a person's actions. It's not a feeling, but a choice and a decision to love and cherish a person regardless of whether you might be mad at them at the moment, or whether you wish you had made a different choice of partners, or whatever - therefore, it can last a lifetime.

It's kinda boring from the outside, though, and it doesn't happen suddenly and uncontrollably so the entertainment media tends to ignore it.
I don't know if it would show up on a brain scan or not, but it doesn't appear to be hormonal. It seems to have fallen out of favor in today's society, and I think that's sad. Without it, relationships have nothing more than chemical-induced feelings to support them, and, as you said Ragdollphysics, those chemical have a very limited warranty.
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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby ASIC » Sat Nov 17, 2012 8:34 am

KAGU143 wrote:what I mean is the kind of love which is a conscious choice and is outwardly expressed by a person's actions. It's not a feeling, but a choice and a decision


I don't know if you've read any of the mid-century novels of Elizabeth Goudge, in particular The Bird in the Tree and Herb of Grace, which both deal centrally (among other subjects) with this issue of love in marriage as a conscious choice, divorced from desire or even romance. I found "The Bird in the Tree" very disconcerting when first I read it, because in presenting its pair of passionate soulmates held apart by the dictates of society it doesn't then follow the path that one subconsciously expects of this type of novel.


My own gut feeling is that monogamy is an active thing: an act of will, caused by refraining to pick any temptations offering themselves elsewhere - but then as one who has no temptations to infidelity or promiscuity that is easy for me to say. If I actually had the offers I might feel differently!

ASIC

Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby ASIC » Sat Nov 17, 2012 8:44 am

Ragdollphysics wrote:the cynical truth is humans are not designed for monogamy, diversity is key in nature
monogamy is a man-made construct and a prison for many


Humans may not be naturally monogamous, but they do seem to be extremely possessive: a mistress is as capable of being violently jealous of her lover's wife as the wife (with more social backing) is of her husband's mistress. The harem is as full of rivalry as the barrack-room... your average human simply doesn't like to share, however roving his own eye.

Unfortunately, in humans, sexual activity is linked up with all sorts of other social and emotional bonds (not least to the resulting offspring): it isn't just a matter of a quick knees-up round the corner when both parties happen to feel like it, or even of a new mate to be established every mating season. This is one of the drawbacks of being a sentient animal I suppose...

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby Ragdollphysics » Sun Nov 18, 2012 6:12 am

I believe in commitment. :)

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby Ragdollphysics » Sun Nov 18, 2012 6:28 am

pack animals interest me
pack dynamics the females go with all the males so that all the males are invested (not knowing which of the offspring is theirs) and equally, the men mate with all the women ensuring maximum diversity and survival of the species

as a species i feel we are very successful
jealousy - is just fear - fear of loss, we are lead to believe there is something to fear in losing, we don't own anything so how can we lose anything, we certainly don't own people

thinking of small packs of prehistoric man, cave dwellers, everyone is good at something, we can all fulfill a role, nurturer, hunter-gatherer, wise one, lawyer, disciplinarium, cook, cleaner etc etc

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby Ragdollphysics » Sun Nov 18, 2012 7:18 am

(Researching asexual poly...just in case it exists....)

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Re: Real asexuals can be only happy with other asexuals.

Postby ParaLLL » Sun Nov 18, 2012 1:58 pm

I have never been able to find a consistent definition of polyamory; it seems to range from 'open to multiple relationships' to 'absolutely cannot stand being with less than two other people at once.' Apart from the last one though, people who are both asexual and polyamorous definitely exist, though I can see how it would be less visible a lot of the time.