Sociability/Sexuality crossover

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:15 pm

On the advice of Spin I thought I'd bring over this rant I made a long time ago, unfortunately when I found it I realized it sucked, so...

RANT Ver 2.0

So, a long time before I realized I was asexual I realized I was introverted, not just the normal type that 20-25% of the population is, the freakish extreme that is the .01% of the population. For the few of you out there who have no idea of what I'm talking about; introversion/extroversion is a two end continuum of sociability, it has been used in many different personality theories over the years to describe sociability, so there exists many definitions. The one I like best was one that loosely described them as how you got your 'energy', rather then trying to explain it in an academic sense I'll explain it through example and generalizations: have you ever been out all day, just rushing around, being in a public place and feeling great the entire time, then 2 minutes after getting home you feel absolutely exhausted? You may be an extrovert. Do you have to be around people all the time? You might be an extrovert. Does the idea or thought of being alone make you tired? Than you are an extrovert! Do you spend your free time alone by choice? You may be an introvert. Do you feel comfortable doing public speaking but just feel out of place in a casual conversation? You may be an introvert.
Really those questions do little answer whether your introverted or extroverted, this one does though, it seems to be the quintessential question on the subject how do you feel about small talk. I have yet to meet an introvert who both enjoys it and is capable of it. I personally can't stand it, I'm incapably of it, I'm not a stupid individual but this seems the only thing I've ever encountered that I can't understand the reason or even the method of how it operates.
But how does this mix in with sexuality and relationships? In simple terms sociability says how much time you want to spend with people, sexuality is says who you spend that time with and for what reasons. Needless to say it is a lot more complicated then that. What I find inherently interesting about these two continuums is that the only time they conflict in the on the introvert end. You never hear of extroversion/sexual conflict (wanting to be around people/wanting to have sex with some of those people) or extroversion/asexual conflict (wanting to be around people/not wanting sex with any of those people) but for introverted/{sexual/asexual(romantic et al. types)} this creates a inherent conflict, how do you satisfy your need to be alone with your need for intimacy/sex, this is where my issue lies. I'm introverted, even by introvert standards, I don't like people, don't like spending time with them, talking to them, listening to them, etcetera but that's a personality thing not a sexuality thing, sexually I haven't got a clue what I am, all I know is I'm not attracted to any one on any level (other than intellectually), whether its because I'm asexual or because I'm so far removed from humanity that... I don't even have a word to finish this sentence.
Stepping back from myself and looking at this objectionably (one thing I'm really good at) one sees two things; introversion/extroversion is a really centralized thing but no one is both, there is bi-version, most people are teetering on one side or the other and everyone has days when they are the other; the other thing you see is that introversion/extroversion is more important to relationships then sexuality. After all a relationship is ultimately how much time you're willing to spend with someone, how that time is spent is just a detail. As Olivier said "I'm completely happy and comfortable with [being alone] - yet being with my wife is better", I would characterize this as a classic extrovert response. A more introverted person might say "I'm completely happy and comfortable with [being alone]- being with my wife is just as good" that's the difference: an extrovert's best friend/significant other will be someone makes them feel the furthest from feeling alone, an introvert's will try and find someone who makes them feel the closest to being alone. And like I said sexuality simply fills out the details.

Some of you out there will find this view warped, so in an effort to explain how I came to it I'll volunteer some facts about my life.
As a child I spent my time by my self, I'd dissect bugs with my hands to see why they were different from larger creatures (i.e. mammals) and I would test the limits of my body, how fast I could run, how far I could swim (that one went bad a few times) how much I could lift, etcetera. I didn't speak 'till I was nearly four but I taught myself to read by three, for most of my infancy I didn't 'ask' my parents for anything, if I wanted water, I'd push a chair over to the cupboard, get a cup and go to the sink and fill it myself, same if I wanted a snack, or wanted to examine something. School didn't go well for me, I got good grades, but people just didn't seem to like me, so I withdrew, I spent my time observing social structure occasionally I'd test my hypothesizes , but they inevitably fail. In preschool I had a single friend, I went over to his house once, then he never talked to me again, when I met back up with him in middle school he'd refuse to acknowledge the possibility of of us even knowing each other. Formal school was interesting I was in french immersion, poor man's private school, so you understand what that means, out of the 27 kids in my kindergarten class, 15 were in the same class as me for 13 years, I graduated with 53ish other F.I. students, most of them I met in junior high (our paricular school division had 5 elementry schools that had F.I., 2 junior highs with F.I. and 1 high school with F.I.; and if your wondering how come the math doesn't work out, people often switched to the english track). Elementry school for me was a living hell, bulled and teased the whole way through, to give you an example, off my report card from grade two "ABSENT FROM: [ 128 ] OF [ 172 ] DAYS OF CLASS" those 128 days I either skipped, stayed home sick or spent the day in the school office because I had gotten myself removed from class for the day to avoid the other kids. Not all the kids were bad, just most, one in particular was horrible, to the extend I tried multiple time to get rid of him, from throwing chairs, to attacking him with scissors. I'd like to make it clear on two points, one it wasn't a want to hurt him that I did those this is was because I just wanted him gone (not once did I stoop to the use of chemical warfare against him, as he was deadly allergic to peanuts), and two when we met back up in high school the first thing he did was apologies to me and said that realized that he was a first class ass back then. On the other hand there were good ones too, one in particular, a girl who was only in my class in kindergarten, after that year her family mover back to Quebec, was quiet possibly the most unique individual I've ever met, she was my intellectual rival and social equal and my life would have turned out drastically different if she had stayed here, or even if we had kept in contact. Junior high wasn't as bad, mostly because withdrawing became easier, my house was a 2 minute walk away, so if I had any amount of down time I go home. By the time I got to high school the others had mellowed out and I had begun to intellectualize to such an extent that you couldn't get any sort of emotional response from me. The only problem with high school was that it wasn't long enough, by the end of grade 12 I had begun to learn to trust people again, and if high school was maybe 1-2 years longer I would have probably grown to call them friends, though there are a handful of people from high school I maintain sporadic contact with two in particular, one is the closest thing I've ever had to a friend, he was just a very charismatic and go lucky guy, the other was a girl who 'til this day fascinates me with her dichotomy. Now that I'm in university it really quiet different, it is the first time that I'm with a group of people who I am not unquestionably smarter than, who I have no previous connection to and who have no idea as to what I was like in the past.
Right now you're wondering what the purpose of this sub (and better written) rant about my mundanely shitty life was included for, and it was to emphasize this: just as asexual have a unique view of sexuality because they are devoid of a key component of it, I too have a unique view social interactions, because during my formative years I was never subjected to any form of socialization ('til this day I still struggle to understand the rudimentary concepts of socializing because I was never exposed to those memes) and thus is devoid of that key component of it

On lighter note I find it quiet funny that I've come out to my family about being asexual (and they more or less [begrudgingly] accept that) yet would never consider telling them that I'm an introvert. ':|
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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Re: Socibility/Sexuality crossover

Postby Bunnyk. » Wed Feb 20, 2008 3:14 pm

As Olivier said "I'm completely happy and comfortable with [being alone] - yet being with my wife is better", I would characterize this as a classic extrovert response. A more introverted person might say "I'm completely happy and comfortable with [being alone]- being with my wife is just as good" that's the difference: an extrovert's best friend/significant other will be someone makes them feel the furthest from feeling alone, an introvert's will try and find someone who makes them feel the closest to being alone. And like I said sexuality simply fills out the details.


I completely understand what you mean with introversion and sexuality creating kind of a conflict in the area of relationships. I'm pretty strongly introverted myself - though not quite as introverted as you! :lol: I totally identify with the idea that the people I'm closest to are the ones who make me feel most like I'm by myself.

On the other hand, I still generally like being with my boyfriend more than being alone. Most of the time I come home and I'm happy to see him there. The great thing about our relationship, though, is that we're BOTH introverts, so neither one of us gets offended when the other says "I really just need you to go somewhere else for a while, ok?" As long as I get a few hours a week with a completely empty house, I'm still able to really enjoy spending time with my boyfriend. Of course, for us, mostly "spending time together" means he watches TV or plays Xbox360 while I read, so...it's not exactly very interactive.

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Re: Socibility/Sexuality crossover

Postby Dargon » Wed Feb 20, 2008 5:19 pm

Noskcaj.Llahsram wrote:As Olivier said "I'm completely happy and comfortable with [being alone] - yet being with my wife is better", I would characterize this as a classic extrovert response. A more introverted person might say "I'm completely happy and comfortable with [being alone]- being with my wife is just as good" that's the difference: an extrovert's best friend/significant other will be someone makes them feel the furthest from feeling alone, an introvert's will try and find someone who makes them feel the closest to being alone. And like I said sexuality simply fills out the details.


Let me begin by saying I consider myself introverted. I am consistantly INTJ on hte Myers-Briggs personality inventory.

I admit what I am about to say is based entirely on my own personal views and feelings, but I fail to see why Oliver's statement is "a classic extrovert response." I have a number of friends, and there are a few, very few, that I would prefer to spend time with rather than be alone (albeit, after awhile I will NEED to be alone for a bit).

I'm perhaps a bit odd for an introvert. I enjoy watching and listening to people. I actually enjoy the company of extroverts, as they often have interesting and entertaining stories; however I find myself unable to participate in the conversation, I just listen. On the occassions I do actually speak, it is about things, hobbies, politics, etc, never personal matters or gossip about others.

Point is, I've had quite a bit of experience with extroverts, and something that seems very prevelant with them is that they are NOT happy being alone. I have even had some openly admit a "need" to be around people. It's even evident at AVEN, if you ever take a look. Many people there long for or desire relationships, they would NOT be "completely comfortable and happy with being alone." I would go so far as to say they would be miserable as such.

A bit about how this applies to me, I have never been in a "relationship," nor do I plan on ever seeking one. However, I do have a few friends, three in particular, who I love dearly (even more than my family). I would say time spent with them is better than time spent alone (and as I said earlier, I do need my time away from them). One is an introvert similar to myself (likes watching and listening), one is sort of midway leaning extrovert, and one is quite extroverted. I will add that I tire quickest from the extrovert than the introvert.

I will, however, agree that introversion/extroversion is very important to a relationship. I am not certain where I would place it in order of importance with sexuality, but definately very close. I believe that introvert-extrovert relationships can work, but they do have their problems (for instance while an extorvert likes to talk and an introvert may like to listen, an extrovert may often want empathy while the introvert may offer solutions (this has been said about me)). I would say that two introverts or two extroverts would have a far better chance than a mix.

I would like to add that "spending time" with my introverted friend is somewhat similar to how BunnyK describes spending time with her boyfriend. It is often spent doing things like playing video games or watching movies or stupid videos from the internet, so it's more about the presence of the other and sharing our interests than it is sharing things about ourselves.

Lastly, my father is ok with both my asexuality and my introversion, but my mother actively tries to combat both.

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Socibility/Sexuality crossover

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:00 pm

I'm sorry you two are right, I kinda forgot to talk about the difference between wanting and needing something. I have to agree, when I'm around other introverts (a rare occurrence) we do often just sit and have non-personal discussions, though they are more like debates, almost completely divorced from our own personal opinions; and play street fighter. And when I am around extroverts in a social manner (a rarer occurrence) I just sit back, listen/observe and only respond with a "I guess so" if prodded for an input.

Bunnyk. wrote:As long as I get a few hours a week with a completely empty house, I'm still able to really enjoy spending time with my boyfriend.

I couldn't have said it better myself, even with my extreme self if I get enough alone time I can stand and even enjoy being around people, though as it stands right now I'm hover at a 5:1 ratio, 5 hours alone for each 1 of solid interaction. Again that fluctuates so much I can't even being to try and find an average, it depends on so much like what I've eaten, what time of day, my health, my mood and even just plain will power.

:yikes:
I still can't believe I forgot to include anything on the difference between needing and wanting d'oh :wah:
Oh well there's always Ver 3.0
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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Olivier
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Olivier » Thu Feb 21, 2008 6:07 am

Noskcaj.Llahsram wrote:As Olivier said "I'm completely happy and comfortable with [being alone] - yet being with my wife is better", I would characterize this as a classic extrovert response.

As someone who has produced a "classic extrovert response" I thought I'd chip my two cents' worth here (another classic extrovert response, no doubt :) ).

Firstly, I'll also say on the small talk question that I sort of get it, and I certainly can do it. So according to the theory, what with being sexual and all, it's looking like extroversion all the way, right?

Well, only sort of. On Myers-Briggs I usually come up as extrovert by the barest of margins, and when I was younger I came up as strongly introverted. I was a shy teenager, and there are still times when I can not under any circumstances be persuaded to make phone calls to strangers or people I don't know well no matter how important it is that I do so. On the other hand, I enjoy public speaking, but only because I get a rush from having overcome one of my greatest fears - it still terrifies me, but I love knowing that I can do it. Where does that go on the introvert/extrovert scale?

But back to the quote: I think one of the reasons I prefer being with my wife than being alone is a mix of introversion and extroversion. I like being sociable but the big wide world can be a bit scary for that, so I use my closest friends as a proxy. While I prefer the company of close friends, and especially my wife, to being alone, it's only by a small margin, and I'd NEVER choose the company of strangers over being alone, unless I felt like pushing myself, or there was a compelling reason to do so. And, to my shame, when I catch up with old friends it's nearly always because they kept in touch with me - if it were up to me I'd have lost touch with all of them, even friends who are quite special to me.

By choice, my wife and I moved from a huge city, where we saw our friends constantly, to an isolated rural valley where we can go whole weeks without seeing anyone outside our immediate family. Our city friends are always asking us how we handle the isolation, especially when it is enforced by flooding (which happens to us more than any other community in Australia - about three times a year), but we don't honestly notice the isolation, other than to revel in it.

So in some ways within my family and closest circle of friends I'm an extrovert (and markedly so, I'd say), but taken as a group, we have a fairly strongly introverted attitude to the outside world. But I think that goes for everyone, to an extent: we all have a comfort zone. For some it's a one-person comfort zone, and for others it's practically limitless. But for most it's in between, and we act like extroverts within and introverts without. Or is that just me, projecting? ;)

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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby pretzelboy » Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:00 pm

My understanding of being an introvert isn't so much a lack of desire for being around other people as much as a need to have a good amount of time alone to "recharge." (i.e. someone may like spending time with other people and relationships may be important to them, but they need their time alone too.) Also, I had thought that it had to do with whether a person preferred large group settings or small ones. Whenever I take personality tests, I have always come up as rather introverted. It's not that I don't like relationships with other people or that these are unimportant to me. But when I spend a lot of time around people (like when I visit home), I enjoy spending time with people and talking to them, but after a while I feel like I need some time alone to think and reflect.

Also, I tend to have a lot of difficulty in large social groups. In one-on-one situations with friends or family members (some of whom are among of my closest friends), I do just fine and can be very talkative. Also, I generally do fine in groups of just a few people, but the bigger the group the harder it is for me. People tend to get to talking about things that I'm not really interested in at all or that I don't know much about. Sometimes when I go to a party because I feel that my social life isn't what I would like it to be (I don't go to parties often), I'm fine when I can get into a conversation with a handful of people, but if I'm stuck in a group of a lot of people, I try to fit in, but sometimes it doesn't work and I start to withdraw into myself. When I leave, I feel drained and I need some time alone.

When I was younger, I tended to develop emotionally and socially way behind my peers (though I was never bullied or treated badly by other students). At school, I only had one friend before 5th grade. I recall doing other social activities, but these may have been caused more by my mom than by me. As I've gotten older (meaning older than highschool, I'm in my mid 20s), I've gotten a lot better at being able to socialize and being able to relate to other people (though I have a tenancy to strike people as being rather odd, though not, I hope, unlikeable.)

As I understand introversion, it has to do with liking are solitary activities like reading or going on walks, having a preference to interacting with small groups of people to large ones (and thus introverts prefer to have a few friends to having a lot) and feeling a need for a good amount of time alone.

As a somewhat interesting point, Noskcaj.Llahsram, what you describe as being an introvert among introverts sounds a lot like Schozoid Personality Disorder (yay for patholigization! :D ). Even more interestingly, asexuality is one of the diagnostic criteria and the most recent study of asexuality (not yet published) found in the qualitative that a good number of the asexuals interviewed felt that they could relate this this diagnosis. Granted, I don't know how reliable this is: are asexuals more likely to be strongly introverted than the general population? Or are people who spend a lot of time on internet forums about asexuality more likely to be strongly introverted than the general population? (boo for confounding variables }:( .)

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:55 pm

pretzelboy wrote:As a somewhat interesting point, Noskcaj.Llahsram, what you describe as being an introvert among introverts sounds a lot like Schozoid Personality Disorder (yay for patholigization! :D ). Even more interestingly, asexuality is one of the diagnostic criteria and the most recent study of asexuality (not yet published) found in the qualitative that a good number of the asexuals interviewed felt that they could relate this this diagnosis. Granted, I don't know how reliable this is: are asexuals more likely to be strongly introverted than the general population? Or are people who spend a lot of time on internet forums about asexuality more likely to be strongly introverted than the general population? (boo for confounding variables }:( .)

First funny story, about three years ago I was reading a book on how to act and portray realistic characters (called "Chaining the Beast", good even if you don't play the game its supposed to accompany) and it had a section on personality disorders, that was the first place I saw the word "Schizoid" the definition they gave for it interested me so much that it created my love for personality psychology. I have more then once thought I qualify, I love how the word sounds, I, personally, don't think it is a 'disorder' in the same respect as the others, and I'm reluctant to use it because people immediately jump to schizophrenia. Also a long time ago I saw (damn I can't remember where ]}:( ) some sort of survey that listed stuff about Internet user, the only things I remember are, Internet are more likely to be middle-class or higher, white (thought that is probably, or will soon be inaccurate, with more computers being used in Asia), male, and though introverts make up 20-25% of the real-world population, they were found to make up almost 50% of online population.
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Omnes et Nihil » Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:42 am

Noskcaj.Llahsram wrote:Really those questions do little answer whether your introverted or extroverted, this one does though, it seems to be the quintessential question on the subject how do you feel about small talk. I have yet to meet an introvert who both enjoys it and is capable of it.


I'm not convinced that there is anyone who actually enjoys smalltalk. I know people who believe it's important for a host of reasons. But I don't know of anyone who actually enjoys doing it. If anyone knows of such a person... please speak now. You will rock my world.

pretzelboy wrote:As I understand introversion, it has to do with liking are solitary activities like reading or going on walks, having a preference to interacting with small groups of people to large ones (and thus introverts prefer to have a few friends to having a lot) and feeling a need for a good amount of time alone.


Introversion and extroversion are functional categories. How they are defined and what they actually mean depends entirely on measure used for them at a given point in time, or an operational definition.

One of the more interesting definitions / explanations has to do with the "optimal arousal curve" (which of course has nothing to do with sexual arousal). When people are understimulated, they don't do well. Stimulate them more, and they do better, but stimulate them too much, and they don't do well. It's the upside-down U curve. The top of the upside-down U is the optimal amount of stimulation. For extroverts, that level is pretty high. For introverts, it's pretty low. By that model, extroverts are more likely to like music in the background, more likely to prefer multitasking...

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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby cyan » Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:51 pm

Olivier wrote:So in some ways within my family and closest circle of friends I'm an extrovert (and markedly so, I'd say), but taken as a group, we have a fairly strongly introverted attitude to the outside world. But I think that goes for everyone, to an extent: we all have a comfort zone. For some it's a one-person comfort zone, and for others it's practically limitless. But for most it's in between, and we act like extroverts within and introverts without. Or is that just me, projecting? ;)


Well, if you're projecting, I must be a linear combination of the basis vectors you're projecting along.

*Ahem* I mean, "I also feel exactly that way." I've actually sometimes wondered if I am, in fact, a shy extrovert, but I think your explanation makes more sense. I definitely gain energy from spending time with people, but mostly just when it's people I'm close to. Complete strangers ... it depends, but typically not so much. :P

Personally, I don't really think my sociability level has much of an effect on my sexuality; it affects my (a)sexual behaviour, because my complete lack of knowledge of how to socialize with other people impacts the sort and number of people I get to know. But I'm still a romantic asexual by orientation.

Then again, as a person who is extroverted at least around my prospective pool of relationship candidates (I can't imagine not knowing someone before falling in love with them ...), I guess that means I fit the OP model pretty well, don't I? ;)

Interestingly, I was also somewhat isolated as a child (though not to the extent of the OP, and I was typically ignored rather than bullied), and I also find myself struggling to figure out how to interact socially. But I would make a very clear distinction between my lack of a sex drive, and my lack of knowledge of how to express my 'social drive'; I tend to contest the idea that not being exposed to significant amounts of socialization in one's formative years has any impact on the formation or strength of one's 'social drive' -- just on their behaviour.

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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Tue Feb 26, 2008 7:49 pm

cyan, I'm not sure if you're commenting on just omnes or the entire thread; so I'll try to summarise my point in a dozen words or less: sociablity doesn't determine sexuality, but the expression of it. 1, 2, 3 .... 10 words, woo hoo. In my case, my sociablity suppresses whatever sexuality I may have. ':| I love that smilie
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Fox » Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:13 am

I liken my own introversion to a need to recharge. I like to be around people I know well, but eventually I need to be by myself for a while. Being around strangers or people I don't know well is stressful. I'd say that I need probably an hour or two to recharge after a day of being around people I actually want to be around. Granted, that's people I want to be around on a short-duration basis. Like Dargon mentioned, *waves,* extroverted people wear me out quicker than other introverts. I have one friend that can knock me out for days. Love her to death, but the combination of extroversion and a sedentary lifestyle makes me want to escape out a window sometimes. Luckily, her sleep schedule and mine are mis-matched, I get several hours alone in the morning when I'm at her place.
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ily
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby ily » Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:38 pm

Extremely good question, and one I struggle with. I sometimes do feel like a "bi" introvert/extrovert. I hate small talk, but always thought this was because of my autistic tendencies. However, I don't like being alone and, except for a small amount of recharge time, would be glad to spend all my time with those people I like. Like you said, N.L, I greatly desire relationships, while at the same time I get very frustrated with and tired of people. Yes, even though I'd rather be with people, I still get tired of them. I guess I just don't like being alone with my thoughts. 8|

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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Wed Feb 27, 2008 7:25 pm

I didn't like being alone with my thoughts, so I took someone else's. :wah: :lol: :dance:
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby cyan » Wed Mar 12, 2008 9:41 am

Noskcaj.Llahsram wrote:cyan, I'm not sure if you're commenting on just omnes or the entire thread; so I'll try to summarise my point in a dozen words or less: sociablity doesn't determine sexuality, but the expression of it. 1, 2, 3 .... 10 words, woo hoo. In my case, my sociablity suppresses whatever sexuality I may have. ':| I love that smilie


Heh, sorry, I have this unfortunate tendency to mix up several arguments (or thoughts) at once ...

I agree with your point above, and I think was trying to say that I agreed in my previous post as well. The corresponding thought was a sort of parallel musing. You mentioned that you feel like your unique view of socializing (and the reason you're an introvert?) is as a result of how you were socialized as a child. What I was trying to express is that, just as with one's sexuality, I feel like one's "sociability" (? degree of intro- or extroversion) is also innate, and that not learning the social memes affects one's expression of their sociability, but not necessarily their degree of sociability.

Summarizing that in a dozen words or less ... hmm ... "There is a difference between social orientation and social expression". Hmm, 10 words appears to be popular. ;) Though put that way, it almost seems so obvious as to not be worth saying ... :shifty:

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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Gingerbread » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:08 am

I'm an introvert.

"...an extrovert's best friend/significant other will be someone makes them feel the furthest from feeling alone, an introvert's will try and find someone who makes them feel the closest to being alone."


Yes... I once had this group of friends who I could just unwind with. Hours would fly with us just bumming around! In fact, your statement has just made me realise they make me feel like I can be more of myself, more than my S.O. Though, it might just be because the S.O is such a neat freak.

Anyhoo, +1 for those who don't get small talk! I just don't understand why anyone would find it pleasant to waste time talking about things that don't really matter. Will the other Aces tell me what their small talk pet peeves are? What kinds of small talk annoy you the most?

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:46 pm

woohoo for necroposting, but really it i good to see new members looking through the older threads, (and I'm a little happy that it is one of my few). The kid of small talk that annoys me the most is "so what's new?" type, I find it intrusive, much to my own chagrin my life is enveloped intensely in routine, so anything "new" is often at the forefront of what I am willing to talk about, but most of the time nothing is "new" so all the question is is a reminder of how my day to day life is disappointing at that point
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

Gingerbread
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Gingerbread » Sun Mar 29, 2009 7:41 am

Lol @ necroposting.

well, there's only so few places you can talk to other Aces on a board...

I have the same problem with "how's school?" because although I'm in film school I've made exactly zero films that are really complete. I don't have anything I would be proud to show anyone. I suppose that's that's mostly my fault tho :P

Sigh...

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ily
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby ily » Wed Apr 01, 2009 2:36 pm

Noskcaj.Llahsram wrote:... but most of the time nothing is "new" so all the question is is a reminder of how my day to day life is disappointing at that point


THIS. I hate "What's new?", especially when it's asked by people I talk to often. I feel stupid saying "nothing". :|

pretzelboy
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby pretzelboy » Wed Apr 01, 2009 8:17 pm

I have a bad habit of generally taking these are real questions (which they may or may not be.) In linguistics, there are referred to as phatic expressions. (Wikipedia has a good article on phatic communication.) You could try to not answer the question and instead give another phatic question.

A: What's new?
B: Hey, how's it going?

See where that gets you.

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Dargon
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Dargon » Wed Apr 01, 2009 10:52 pm

I always found it amusing that the proper response to "What's up?" was indeed "What's up?" Or at least in the case of the people I tend to hang out with, it is.

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ily
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby ily » Thu Apr 02, 2009 9:32 am

pretzelboy wrote:I have a bad habit of generally taking these are real questions (which they may or may not be.) In linguistics, there are referred to as phatic expressions. (Wikipedia has a good article on phatic communication.) You could try to not answer the question and instead give another phatic question.

A: What's new?
B: Hey, how's it going?

See where that gets you.


I take them as real questions too, and have been known to answer "how are you?" with "I don't know" (to people who might actually care how I am). Good to know these expressions have actually been studied. I know a lot of people hate small talk, but when I'm in a sustained bout of it, I sort of see it as a puzzle-- like, "How much of my real opinions/personality can I reveal without alienating this person?" ;)

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Sciatrix
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Sciatrix » Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:59 pm

I suppose I'm that odd introvert who can actually get the point of small talk. Let me first clarify: I'm with pretzelboy in that my conception of an introvert is a person who needs long periods of time alone to recharge rather than someone who finds being around other people inherently stressful. I've also consistently gotten 100% introverted on test inventories like the Myers-Briggs, need long periods of self time to recharge, and love to take long walks by myself. My roommate is just as introverted as I am, which works out wonderfully for us--we often spend hours in our room ignoring each other if there's nothing interesting to say.

However, what I've been discovering as I age is that I can "turn on" a more extroverted affect, going out and being friendly and generally making myself interesting. It's stressful to do it for too long, and it's not my default setting as it is my truly extroverted sister's, but I can definitely act very much like an extrovert in a social setting, especially if I've chosen to be there and I feel comfortable. It's an interesting process, and I've been told that I talk a lot more when I'm trying to get to know people than I do when I've known them for a while and feel comfortable around them.

For me, small talk is a way to figure out whether I can jump-start a conversation with someone that's actually interesting. Maybe I can see whether they've got an opinion on one of my pet topics, or an interest of mine. Maybe there's a bit of information they know that I didn't, and from there we can move on to something interesting. Small talk is a necessary evil to get to discussing the good stuff, and I like long conversations and stories far too much to give that up. (I'm another person who always answers "how are you?" honestly, by the way. Don't the point of polite lying unless I've got work to do that requires me to extricate myself from the conversation.)

I'd also like to point out that while too much social contact exhausts and upsets me, too little makes me just as miserable. In high school, I moved between ninth and tenth grade and, in classic idiot-teenager fashion, decided that I was only going to be in the area for three years so I didn't need to make friends or socialize outside of class. It took me a couple of years to realize why I wasn't happy--I was hideously lonely! I need a close, tight-knit network of real-life friends to feel secure and happy with myself and my situation.

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Noskcaj.Llahsram
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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Noskcaj.Llahsram » Fri Aug 14, 2009 8:43 pm

I'm starting to get better with the whole small talk thing, still almost incapable of starting small talk conversations with people. After an evening of putting up a extrovert front all night i tend to devolve into a spiteful tongued creature
Sciatrix wrote:I'd also like to point out that while too much social contact exhausts and upsets me, too little makes me just as miserable. In high school, I moved between ninth and tenth grade and, in classic idiot-teenager fashion, decided that I was only going to be in the area for three years so I didn't need to make friends or socialize outside of class. It took me a couple of years to realize why I wasn't happy--I was hideously lonely! I need a close, tight-knit network of real-life friends to feel secure and happy with myself and my situation.
I see where you're coming from, I vacillate be longterm solitude and bursts of socializing. If it wasn't me :sarc: I would say that I was a social anorexic, starving myself (for months, usually) then binge socializing. Only to convince myself that I don't need social contacts, rejuvenating the cycle.
What is love? Well, you know that feeling you get when you've been locked in a tiny dark space alone for a year? It's kind of the opposite of that.

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Re: Sociability/Sexuality crossover

Postby Isaac » Sat Aug 15, 2009 2:32 am

I'm rather introverted. If I'm in an activity with a lot of people, I prefer it to have enough breaks to recharge mysalf on my own. There's always a conflict if I'm planning something with an extroverted buddy: I want to maximize breaks and they want to minimize them. And they can't understand how they have broken their word and why I retire early when breaks are not respected.

I also answer honestly these stupid trivial questions that people believe that everybody enjoys. And I react violently if many people ask me the same in a short period of time. Once I was like, "I've written about this in my blog in order to avoid answering repeatedly to these questions, so read it before asking anything else about this topic." The star topic of smalltalk in Spain is the weather, but I use this topic to comment the forecast of the National Institute of Meteorology and encourage people to read it in the webpage of the Institute rather than in the media, which give an oversimplified version of the former.

Smalltalk is only useful if it raises interesting topics of talk. I also hate shared rooms, since introverts are minority, but I've never had problems with introverted roommates. In this case, our talk reduced to agreements for distributing bathroom use, fixing the time for switching light off and setting the alarm for the next morning.