My brain is confusing me!

General discussion about relationship issues.
Kez
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My brain is confusing me!

Postby Kez » Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:42 am

This is all about me, so I'm sorry if I appear to be a little self centred.

Up until a few years ago, I thought I was aromantic-asexual. Which was all fine and dandy by me, I was happy being single, and being alone and all that, even for the rest of my life. Then I started liking girls, which confused me a little bit, but I was still happy about. That stage lasted a year and a half or so, right up until a month ago. I had no sex drive (I still don't), I hadn't masturbated (my new years resolution is/was to learn how, which I feel silly about), and I'd never been kissed.

Because I started liking guys, too. Not sexually, still romantically (which I think might be a problem, because all the people I've fallen for have been very sexual), but that's still in the rhelms of possibilities because I'm not adverse to sex. I also figured out several months ago that my ideal relationship would be a polyamorous one, which adds yet another problem onto the pile.

Which now makes me a bi-romantic, polyamorous asexual. Kinda a mouthful. Still, I figure they're all labels...

My friends are under the (not so wrong) impression that I'm a little bit kinky, and that's true - I'm not into vanilla (although deep down I'm a true romantic), I'm sub, and I'm a teensy little bit sadist. (They don't know all the finer details though.)

So where do I go from here? There's one guy and one girl in my group of friends I am interested in (but I very much doubt it's returned), and I'm not into the whole lesbian scene (I've heard it's very incestueous in Sydney).

I figure I'll just take it one day at a time, but it does get hard sometimes.

I don't think there's any advice for me - I'm mainly using this as a sounding board, to get my own thoughts out.

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Emmarainbow
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Re: My brain is confusing me!

Postby Emmarainbow » Mon Mar 17, 2008 11:49 am

Shall we have a whole bunch of 'my brain is confusing me' posts? :D Cos mine is too, a little. Mainly I'm ignoring it though, and just doing what feels right.

I've always known I was romantic on some level - lonely for a relationship. However, only quite recently have I been actively picturing myself in one, and labelling people as 'maybes'. I'd never assigned myself as interested in men or women; why should I? But in September I pictured myself in relationships with men (though I wouldn't rule out a girl). However, since my Mildly Sexual Experience, I have been pretty much exclusively interested in women (although I still wouldn't rule out a guy), and have gone so far as to seek these out.

I remain open to the idea of polyamory - I don't think I'd be able to do it myself, but as long as I felt I got enough attention I think I'd be happy for my partner to be actively poly, and you never know. I have a feeling many asexuals are pretty sub - I don't know how to take control of a sexual situation, and would feel much more comfortable if the other did.

So... yeah! That. There's a lot of nuance to explain to people, is there not? :shifty:

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Mysteria
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Re: My brain is confusing me!

Postby Mysteria » Mon Mar 17, 2008 10:33 pm

Emmarainbow wrote:I have a feeling many asexuals are pretty sub - I don't know how to take control of a sexual situation, and would feel much more comfortable if the other did.


That's an interesting point right there. In my case, although I'm fairly submissive in general, when it comes to sexual interactions I think it would (theoretically of course) really depend on the person I'm with whether I'd be more dom or sub. With men, I'm far more likely to be sub; with women, I'd rather be dom (or so I suppose). I'm not sure why exactly this is, but I think may be partially due to my androgynous mindset, and partially due to the fact that if I have sex with someone, I'm doing it to please THEM. I don't care about taking any pleasure from it myself. With most men, it seems like they'd rather dominate, but with women? The lesbians and bisexual girls I've met who like to be on top all say that they focus on giving their partner pleasure rather than taking it themselves. It would make more sense to me, then, if I were involved with another woman, to be the one doing things to her rather than the other way around, because I wouldn't get much out of that. However, I don't know if I would ever be entirely comfortable in that role, since I don't know how to take control of the situation. But then again, I don't know if I will ever be entirely comfortable in a submissive position either. I think I could learn either way, but I doubt it will ever feel natural to me.

This is all just idle speculation, though--who knows if I will ever test the theory. And moreover, who cares? :lol:

Kez
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Re: My brain is confusing me!

Postby Kez » Tue Mar 18, 2008 12:01 am

Yes, I was thinking about the "asexual passiveness" = sub theory on the bus this morning, and it makes perfect sense. I think because we're not focused on ourselves - thus on the other person, and _their_ pleasure, it would make sense that we act submissively in bed. (I never thought I would type those words!)

And I wouldn't know _how_ to take charge in the bedroom, or in a relationship in general.

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spin
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Re: My brain is confusing me!

Postby spin » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:55 am

Actually, I totally disagree. I do think that power play or other kink can make sex more interesting or enjoyable for asexual people. It makes perfect sense to me that asexual folk would be a bit kinky. But dom/sub is about both people's enjoyment, and being dominant is certainly not about focusing on oneself. Like Mysteria says, the dominant partner is usually more focused on the submissive.

My personal thoughts on power roles are very gendered—I see myself as submissive to women and dominant to men. I'm very attracted to strong, older women and would let certain ladies have their way with me, but I like the thought of taking that control myself in a relationship with a male. Just because I don't know how to take charge doesn't mean I don't want to.

Kez
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Re: My brain is confusing me!

Postby Kez » Tue Mar 18, 2008 12:25 pm

Yes, but spin, the dom partner can either give or ask to recieve. Where as the sub usually would just follow orders (or something along those lines).

Why would it make sense for asexuals to be kinky? Because the sexual attraction isn't there, and thus other things appeal more, or something else?

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spin
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Re: My brain is confusing me!

Postby spin » Tue Mar 18, 2008 3:02 pm

Yeah, I would NOT want to follow orders except from a woman. I can follow someone's lead, but that's different from taking orders. I wouldn't want to be submissive to anyone but the particular sort of strong woman I'm attracted to.

And yes, I think kink makes things interesting when sex itself isn't necessarily a desire.

Omnes et Nihil
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Re: My brain is confusing me!

Postby Omnes et Nihil » Sun Mar 23, 2008 10:33 pm

spin wrote:My personal thoughts on power roles are very gendered—I see myself as submissive to women and dominant to men.


Wow. Oddly enough I don't think I've ever hear anyone articulate that before. That's ringing a bell, somewhere underwater.

Just on a purely... I guess political-visceral level, I could never be submissive to a man, but I could also never be dominant to a woman.

And I don't mean in actual sex because I don't think I could do any of that anyway... just in general. The gender-based power politics would just be wrong. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I could ever be with someone who was standardly gendered. Hm. Never really thought of that.

Wow, this would be so much more complicated if I were sexual. I think I would spontaneously combust. There would literally be almost nobody that I could be with, keeping my politics intact.

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LadyAlbius
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Re: My brain is confusing me!

Postby LadyAlbius » Thu Jul 17, 2008 5:47 pm

I totally agree with spin on the whole "Power play or other kink can make sex more interesting or enjoyable for asexual people. It makes perfect sense to me that asexual folk would be a bit kinky..."

I don't enjoy sex, but I don't consider it torture either. I get enjoyment out of pleasing my partner, so I guess I tend to be a little more "dom" because of it. I find that sex in public places (or anywhere "atypical" really) makes sex more exciting for me.